Does anyone else's DH struggle with fatherhood?

[sinkingfast]

I'm a regular poster/lurker but have changed my name for this.

My DH and I had the worst day of our marriage yesterday. We have 3 kids aged 5 and under and if I'm honest, he's been struggling with the whole concept of being a Dad and having a family for years. He loves the children to bits and is actually a very good father but really struggles with not being able to lead the kind of independent life that he used to. He's also a complete "neat freak" so the state of the house really gets him down as well.

I really don't know where to go from here. We can't have another weekend like we've just had, with everyone shouting at everyone else and him being so completely and utterly miserable. There's plenty of other stuff going on as well (too long to go into) which doesn't help but I don't think it changes the fundamental problem which is that deep down he resents the ties that the kids and me represent.

I'm sorry this is such a ramble but it helps a bit to put it down in writing.

I am sorry to hear about your weekend, SF.
I do understand, it is such a stressful thing this parenting business.
I think we all regret the loss of our independant days, it is so hard not to be able to just walk out of the door and not have to make massive preparations to do it.
I don't think we struggle too badly but i tink you get into a mindset where you believe that nothing like your old life is possible again.
Bit by bit we have managed to adapt and do some of the things we used to do, albeit with ds too.
Not easy, maybe your dh needs a few days away if you can cope.
The oher thing that I always see on those tv shows is that the fathers who end up spending more one to one time with their kids realise how precious they are and realise that the world is such a special place when seen with a child.
Maybe he actually needs more time with them with no distractions!
not sure if that will help at all, but sending you a sympathetic hug anyway

Thank you biketastic. Maybe some time apart is what we need, although it would break my heart (and would devastate the children). I'm an ostrich when it comes to this sort of thing, but I think it's all gone too far now.

SF, sorry you've had such a crap weekend. I think you've hit on something quite serious, if you believe that your DH resents the ties of you and the kids. It's something our culture is quite ambiguous about, because it appears to reward and value youth and freedom more than stability and responsibility, so lots of men have these attitudes. Do you and your DH make the effort to spend quality time together? I agree with Biketastic that he probably does need to spend more one to one time with the children, but it also sounds like you two need to spend some time together doing nice stuff and re-discover what brought you together, and also nail some of these cravings for freedom and escape that your DH seems to have.

Hope you're feeling better today. Sometimes a nightmare weekend like you've just had is the catalyst for sitting down to change things.

what do you think, just a weekend, or a real "sometime apart"
maybe you need to go with hi. Is there a granny or two who can look after the kids?

I really appreciate you two taking the time to reply and I think you've made some pretty important points. We really do need to spend some quality time together (sadly no Grannies to help out so evenings will have to do) and he needs time for himself and time together with the children. The grass is always greener and Meanbean's point about the culture of youth and freedom that we're surrounded by is a very pertinent one in his case, I feel.

My DP struggles too - not that he doesn't love DDs, he does but he's a control freak in that he has lists everywhere about what he wants/needs to get done (one of which I noticed last week, was sort the loft out FFS).

Anyway our kids are very young (under 4)and often things just don't go as he imagines they will. Just as an example yesterday, we decided to go and buy the kids some shoes - barely 10 yards up the road and DD1 falls and cuts her leg.

He got very huffy and said we should just abandon the trip altogether, "I have jobs I need to sort out blah blah blah...". I had a real go and told him that for me it's like having 3 kids and that sometimes I need him to be the voice of calm and reason, not go off on one. He calmed down eventually and we did get the shoes, but I feel like I'm having to parent him too sometimes...

Thing is, he's just not a natural parent, he's hard working which is a good quality, but even when he's playing with or looking after the kids, he's invariably trying to get some job done at the same time. Consequently, they pick up on this and insist that it's me who reads to them, takes them to bed etc....

i agree that he needs to spend quality 1 to 1 time with kids.
i wouldn't think though that all at once - maybe you take 2 and leave 1 with him. and rotate it over a couple of weekends??
maybe get him to sit down and think SERIOUSLY what splitting up would mean eg - you meet someone else and they become 'daddy' - that may freak him out enough to knuckle down!

Mum2girls, your shopping expedition made me smile. Your DH and mine sound very similar TBH.

Oh, sinkingfast, your message could be from me! Except that DH & I are on an ok streak at the moment, but I nearly walked out on him in june. Well, nearly took the kids to go sleep in a hotel, he was being such a prima donna, in the ways you describe.

I don't know if this is a start, but DH has been trying really hard to not shout at the kids, and that helps. I am working on him to just not get so upset by them, to make a conscious decision to not get upset it. It's easier than it sounds -- maybe we just don't have the energy to get upset like we used to.

really sorry to hear you're having a tough time sinkingfast. 3 children under 5 - can't relate as only have 1. Sounds really hard but I guess it will get better and at least the chaos part won't drag on for decades because they are so close in age.

just a small note - has he actually said what is worrying him? perhaps worth saying that you found the weekend difficult and he seemed to struggle too - does he have any thoughts? maybe just leave it open. He may have something completely different on his mind?

If it is the state of the house etc that bothers him, can you both find some specifics that would help? e.g. i really hate opening the door to chaos and if i just relocate the mess behind things so that it's not visible when I first come in, I feel calmer. Sounds ludicrous but it helps me and dh.

Hope the week is better.

I can relate 2 what you are saying completly, as my dh is very similar.
Neither of our children were planned & I know that he would have been happy to not have any atall.
He 2 is not a natural father & obsessed with having a tidy house, to the point that he has bought very expensive Next wicker chests as toy boxes, so that they blend in with the furniture!
He also shouted at ds1 & wanted 2 send him 2 bed early last night because he accidently spilt the contents of his lego box into the toy box while putting them away.
I did put my foot down & say that asking him 2 try & tidy them up is a more appropriate thing 2 do rather than sending him 2 bed & he then calmed down & realised that he was a little severe.
Last year we very nearly split up, as things had got so bad & although there have been improvments since then, I know he will never be the ideal father.

Really feel for you, Sinkingfast. Prett yclear already on this thread that plenty of people struggle with their DHs in a similar was, but it sounds like there are some other issues between you and your DH.

My DH is also a great father, but not in the way I had hoped my DH would be, IYKWIM. Does things when HE wants to, and doesn't thinl he should scacrifice his own desires for the kids. Example: he said to me the other day that he was happy to kick a ball around the park with DS for 20 mins but "I'm not taking him to the swings cos I find standing around watching him climb up a climbing frame for the 20th time so effing boring" Like I find it really fascinating! He just doesn't seem willing to put himself out in the same way I am.

On the one hand, I think if I had to commute and work hard all day, maybe I'd want to use my time off how I wanted too. On the other hand, I think FFS, he has his breakfast and lunch home made and given to him, dinner ready when he gets home, and once he's home that's it for the day. I, on the other hand, have to cook, clean, feed the kids, get up 5 times a night with them, and it never ends from dawn to dusk. And then DH complains about the "state" of the house!

I'm going on a bit but just wanted to say I think a lot of men, though essentially decent blokes, can be bloody selfish and thoughtless about what it takes to look after young children and run a home. And three under 5, well, I take my hat off to you.

Bottom line is, taking the parenthood element out of the equation for a second, is DH someone you still want to spend time alone with? Do you LIKE him? I think as mothers we can become so entrenched in our roles as wife and mother that we sometimes lose touch with our "former selves" and the basis on which we fell for DH/DP in the first place. Of course parenthood changes everything, but I'm just thinking perhaps if you can get back to that personal connection with each other, you can rebuild things from there?

sorry about all the typos - why are they invisible till AFTER you post??

Thanks again. Yes there are plenty of issues between me and my DH, mostly not of our making IYSWIM. It's been a very tough year with all the most stressful things happening, apart from divorce . He's just taken on a new job and is also studying which means what free time he did have (not much as he has a long commute) is being eaten up. We've let our relationship slide to the point where we live in the same house and talk about the children, but that's about it, so that's a major area of work.

I think a lot of men are essentially selfish and that's not really a criticism, more an observation. I wouldn't take the biggest piece of cake on the plate and he would. But really, if he's happy, the rest of us are happy and vice versa. When he's happy and fulfilled and has some spare time to spend on himself, he's a much better husband and father.

We had a chat tonight (before he disappeared off to do yet more work) and I think he was shocked at how the weekend had developed, so maybe Meanbean's observation that "Sometimes a nightmare weekend like you've just had is the catalyst for sitting down to change things" will come true.

Well that is exactually what happened with us last year.
Things had got really bad after ds2's birth & we had this awfull weekend which resulted in him threatening 2 leave & then being shocked when I said "good"
We ended up having a huge talk & I told him every thing that was bothering me about our relationship & his relationship with the kids.
I think it really shocked him & he changed a lot after that.

Sinkingfast, you're talking about my dh. He loves our kids to pieces and keeps saying how he wishes we could go out like we used. to. We've also just had the weekend from hell. He is under an awful lot of stress at work at the minute and everything is just getting on top of him. He went into work yesterday and got everthing off of his mind,. Like I've been telling him to do for weeks. I'll you what though, a different man came home from work last night. TYHe old dh that I've not seen for months. It was lovely. He walked in went straight into the lounge. Called the kids and got down on his knees and gave them both a huge cuddle and told them the old daddy is back and he even appologised to them both. Exactly what they understood I don't know they're 3 and nearly 2. But it brought a tear to my eye. DH then went and bathed them both, red them a story and put them to bed. I then heard him say nite, nite, daddy's going to go and spend some time with mummy. It was wonderful. My old dh back. I'm just hoping it stays that way and he doesn't let all the stress get to him like that again.

I hope you sort it out sinkingfast, we did

Yup, my dh is like this too. This is why he doesn't want another child (a HUGE bone of contention). He loves ds to bits, and is willing to do half the weekend 'work' that ds brings. However, he finds that his 'me time' is very limited, and does not want another child to impinge on the little time that he does have. We are going through a bad patch at the moment too.

No advice, just wanted to let you know that you weren't alone.

Hugs

I think that alot of families with young children are having the same issues but it's just not talked about. Me and my dh ended up in marrige couselling earlier this year over state of relationship with ourselves and the children. Although things are not great still at least we are now able to talk about what's bothering us instead of sweeping under the carpet until it blows up. Dh is not an outdoors dad at all and this drives me nuts. Any days out, holidays, even trips to the park are planned organised and instigated by me, while he is just a pretty face in the corner while I do all the work, which is not exactly relaxing for me. We have talked about it now but it won't change. He's great at other things that im not and I suppose it's all about balance really. But couselling definatly helped us to communicate.