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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I tell him I know

16 replies

mutterandmumble · 17/11/2019 18:35

My husband and I separated in May. Problems with jealousy (him) made worse with alcohol. We have one 13 year old at home. My ex is an over dramatic and slightly odd man and it has been emotionally exhausting. It was over a long time ago and I should have acted sooner. Even though the relationship is over, I know he will be awful about any new relationship I have.
The thing is this. With his work, he stays away a night or two a week all over the country. (We have informal joint custody of 13 yo, it is all fine). I know for a fact he has met another woman, 120 miles away and they are having a relationship. I know this as I found a card from her when I was at the house (he'd left it lying around by accident). It said how she had loved the last few weeks together and felt safe in his arms and hoped her future involved the two of them etc etc It definitely wasn't from the bank :-)
Now I am delighted about this. We were never suited and if he has found someone to be happy with, that is brilliant. It also makes life easier for me as his attention will be focussed elsewhere.
He has arranged a few 'work' trips down there, but when I have said (trying to be subtle!), it's okay if you want an extra night to meet up with friends etc he has acted holier than thou and told me how he has no friends in the area and all the trips are purely business etc etc etc.
I assume he is acting virginal to keep some sort of emotional leverage over me. He maintains publicly that we should get back together. It is never going to happen for many good reasons.
Should I just tell him I know and it is all fine by me so we can stop this ridiculous charade?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2019 18:41

I wouldn't bother. He will still deny it and become even more of a twat. Let him live his life and you live yours. I wouldn't even care what he thought about anything.

LemonTT · 17/11/2019 18:42

No, you shouldn’t mention it.

I’m not sure how you explain why you lifted it up and read the card.

Elieza · 17/11/2019 18:42

I wouldn’t bother. Let him think his business is private. And you keep schtum about your business.

Longfacenow · 17/11/2019 18:45

I wouldn't bother. But, I would use this to help you move on too! I would tell other people though that you are aware he is moving on if they say oh but he wants you to get back together to shut them up!

Oldbird69 · 17/11/2019 18:54

You'd have to admit you'd been snooping, so that would become the focus of the conversation, not his new relationship

mutterandmumble · 17/11/2019 18:56

Fair enough. I am perfectly happy to admit I read the card!
A little context, unfortunately I cannot just 'live my life' as he has threatened to beat up any hint of a male friend (yes, I have said I would go straight to the police). There is a lot of history here of emotional abuse. I guess I just hoped that this would take the threat away.

OP posts:
mutterandmumble · 17/11/2019 18:57

I'll just keep my fingers crossed they have a nice romantic Christmas and the relationship moves forwards.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 17/11/2019 18:59

Move out? Take a picture if the card for your friends if they turn into flying monkeys and tell him under no circumstances is he going to beat up anyone you date

Oldbird69 · 18/11/2019 06:30

Oh dear, he sounds very controlling. He may well get a shock if he tries to beat up a future male friend. Not many will stand there and let him 🤨

LemonTT · 18/11/2019 10:25

If he is that controlling and threatening violence, why on earth would you get into his business. You would be showing a perverse interest in his love life and he will construe that as interest in him.

Honestly, check you own behaviour here.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 18/11/2019 12:49

I don't think it sounds like telling him you know would be a safe strategy.

You need to look at all possibles now as "WWID given that he's made threats of violence".

How much has he been seeing your DC? Is it in a safe environment e.g. former family home?

Bluntness100 · 18/11/2019 12:52

Just let him play his game op and let it be. It's doubtful any good can come of confronting him.

mutterandmumble · 18/11/2019 12:56

Thanks Bluntness100 , yes I'll let it be.
I have been unable to put enough context in here, but I will leave it alone.
No further advice needed :-)

OP posts:
SpinneyHill · 18/11/2019 13:06

Although telling him "you have a relationship we are not together you are not part of my life please leave me alone" might carry some weight.

IT IS ALSO THE TRUTH
I would be logging every threat, but you sound like you are still trying to appease him, that's the abuse that you have escaped and you will have to move on at some point.

SpinneyHill · 18/11/2019 13:14

He maintains publicly that we should get back together

This is not ok, he was abusive so you ended it with him. You need to put some boundaries in place because he is showing no respect for your decision to end it, you wanted to be free of him. You have a right to end a relationship for any reason and he cannot pretend it doesn't really matter unless he agrees.

SevenStones · 18/11/2019 19:04

If he is using his supposed lack of a relationship as emotional leverage over you, then it's nullified by the fact you know he's in one.

And now you have a bit of "power" because you know.

So keep quiet and use that "power" to let it all wash over you and help you move on.

Flowers
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