I feel trapped... help me make sense of my feelings

[msflibble]

I am 36, married to DH for 7 years. 2 kids, 5 and 2. DH is a good dad, kind, caring, funny, handsome and smart. He can also occasionally be cold, critical, negative and a little bit rubbish at everyday physical affection (other than when he wants sex) and saying positive things about my personality and appearance. Basically I get about 1 compliment per year, less than that if I don't remind him it's nice to say appreciative things.

We got together after I was in an emotionally very abusive relationship with a person who had BPD. I was very scarred by the experience and looking for safety and kindness, which DH provided. We also had a lot of fun together and got on very well. The sex wasn't electric but good, and I just assumed that was fine and a trade-off for having a stable relationship with a man I liked and loved, rather than felt desperately infatuated by.

Fast-forward 10 years, and I just have no sex drive, except maybe during ovulation. DH has been sort of understanding and sort of not. I know he wants to have sex more. We do it about once per week. I've had a lot of sex when I wasn't super in the mood and I think it is breaking me. I initiate when I think I can handle it but sometimes it's a mistake, and how can he know that? But I don't want him to feel rejected, so I do it anyway, and then I have to just get on with it... and it's hard. I don't like the kissing, or the foreplay. I can handle the penetration, somehow it's the easiest part.

I don't really feel horny hardly ever. When I do, we have good sex, but mainly I don't. I wonder if it means I'm not attracted to him? But I find him so handsome, he has an amazing body, I just.. don't want sex. My mum died about a year ago, and I wonder if that has had some effect.. though my libido has been steadily declining since I turned about 29 (7 years ago).

I have no idea what to do. It makes me wonder if I love him, but I'm pretty sure I do. If he didn't expect sex I would be completely content! But he does. And there's always that unspoken pressure. I feel like every night that I go to bed and we don't shag, that I'm hurting him. I feel guilty. I don't want to break up. I just want a man who can understand my lack of interest in sex while I try to recover it.

Can anyone help me make sense of my feelings? Is this normal? Is this part of marriage, bereavement, ageing and having young kids? Or am I just not in love?

HELP!!!!

I am so sorry for your loss. You are being very hard on yourself. My DM died three years ago and I am only just about feeling normal. I get the sense that your husbands periodic cold behaviour has deadened your trust and connection with him.

It might be worth speaking to your GP to check if there's a physical cause of your loss of libido.

What birth control do you use?

We use tracking of my cycle plus withdrawal. So no hormones. I am on no meds except magnolia bark extract, which has done wonders for my mood and anxiety.

I switched antidepressants in the spring (from sertraline to bupropion) and suffered a lot of stress and anxiety, sleeplessness, dry mouth, dry eyes, even worse libido, early periods etc - all symptoms of the perimenopause. But I've had my hormones checked and everything is apparently normal. My periods are extremely short- just 3 days of minimal bleeding, which is a lot less than I used to have before my first pregnancy.

I'm frightened that even though I love him, we're just not sexually compatible. The thought terrifies me. I worry about having sex I don't really want to have for the rest of my life. It scares the shit out of me. We have a whole life together, with gorgeous kids, mutual respect and shared adventures. But is it enough? Is sex really so important? I just don't know anymore.

Hi OP

I think you are at a crossroads where you either turn back into your marriage and work with your DH on improving things (this needs a bit of honesty and buckets of willingness on both sides) or you turn outwards and head towards a separation.

Only you can decide. I would favour trying to repair your relationship first.

I should say that you already know what the key issues are. I bet if he was more affectionate and appreciative your libido for him would take a big uptick.

I think that the fact that you find him physically attractive isn’t enough by itself to make you want sex with him. As a PP said, he needs to step up to become more helpful and affectionate and it doesn’t sound like the sex itself is that great (so your body doesn’t want to keep coming back for more). If you can get things back on track, you will probably want him more.

Thanks for the replies.

Geppili - I didn't say before - I'm so sorry about your husband. Losing a spouse is about the hardest thing that can happen to a person.

Yes, I think there's a lot of truth in what you're all saying. I feel a bit left out in the cold. When my mum died he was there, but he never asked me if I wanted to talk, or if I was ok. I was pretty stoical about the whole thing. It's bothered me in fact, I feel I haven't been able to access my emotions because I have too many emotions. But some volunteered warm hugs and cuddles and words of encouragement would have been nice. Even just saying you're handling things really well, good job etc.

In the spring we had a bunch of stressful things happen and he became very abrupt and rude for a few weeks. I pulled him up on it, and he stopped, but I think it's had a big impact on our relationship.

Re. the sex - it's very samey. Starts the same way, ends the same way. Variations on a theme in between. Like I said, if I'm in the mood, it can be great, but when I'm not it's hard to handle. The last time, a few nights ago, was borderline traumatic because I really just wanted to stop and I couldn't say the words.

The problem is if I'm honest now, how hurt will he be? There will be a whole lot of emotional fallout. What I really want is to see a relationship counsellor but he doesn't think things are bad enough. Maybe I have to insist.

Sorry for your loss and that you've been having a difficult time. I think that it's very reasonable for you to want more affection and appreciation. Do you think that he just doesn't understand this, or that he doesn't care enough or wants to be cold? If it's the latter then it'll be hard to improve things, but if he's just a bit oblivious then maybe he can learn. Some men are rubbish at picking up on hints (including me) and really need things spelled out.

If he won't do counselling, maybe ask if you two can just have a "relationship chat" at an agreed time each fortnight or something. I do this with my wife sometimes and I ask whether there's anything she'd like to discuss about our relationship, and I try to reassure her that I will listen without trying to shoot down what she's saying. It can be difficult, but ultimately I want my wife to be happy with me and I feel good if I've helped us to get there, if that makes sense. You could try to frame it positively, so not "you never do this" but rather "I really like it when you do this, it makes me feel great, could you maybe do it more?" Give him a route to feeling like he's an awesome guy for doing things that make you happy.

Firstly, I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mum, that will have had a big impact on your life and on your marriage, given that you haven't felt supported. I felt like you do for a long time in my marriage. I was with my husband for 24 years from the age of 20 up until three years ago. I think you're doing incredibly well to manage it once a week I must say! I got to the stage when it was only a few times a year and I had to be pretty drunk. He spent every weekend trying to get me drunk and constantly pressurising/insulting me in order to get his way. I particularly resonated with the not being able to kiss him and I can now see that was a big warning that things weren't good. In my case, the sex issue wasn't the only problem as he was emotionally/verbally abusive and fortunately, I did manage to end it. I now have a new partner and we have been together nearly two years and kissing is such a huge part of our connection and not just sexually. I would say that you are at a crossroads. Either you come clean and see how he reacts and try and work through it, or you make the break. You only get one shot at life.....😊

I felt this way in my marriage. Sex had become a "chore" and something I wasn't particularly interested in. For my husband at the time, that felt alienating but the more he asked for it, the more pressure I felt. It was like we got into a cycle we couldn't escape.
Reading Esther Perel's book "Mating in Captivity" really helped me understand my feelings and what was going on. I realised that I deserve and enjoy sex but not under pressure and not when my partner neglects me or is critical in other ways.
The sex I have now is totally different and feels amazing. It is possible to get in touch with your sex drive again but do it for you, not him.

His not agreeing to counselling with you because it's not bad enough yet is ridiculous. Would he prefer an ultimatum at breaking point? He needs to change too and that requires communication.

FWIW, sex once a week is pretty average but the feelings you have about that sex are NOT ok. You shouldn't feel coerced or pressured. No wonder you aren't enjoying it!

OP have you spoken to him about this?

Have you considered whether it's possible you may be asexual or homosexual? I'm sorry if that sounds blunt but from your OP you don't mention ever having enjoyed sex.

Stilllearning - thanks for the suggestions. I hope he'll agree to counselling eventually, but if not a relationship chat could be a real help.

Blissfully - I hope so much we don't have to separate. He's not in any way abusive. He has his moods and isn't perfect, but altogether is a very sweet man. We do need to work on our emotional connection though, that much is crystal clear.
I'm so glad you found a better relationship though, your ex sounds like a nightmare

Sprites - thanks so much for the book recommendation! I do feel like we've gotten into a vicious circle - I withdraw, he pressures, I give in due to obligation then feel more alienated from him. I think we definitely need some expert help to solve the problem. It's so encouraging to hear I might not have to feel this way forever!

Evenmorefurious - I'm definitely not homosexual or asexual - I tried sleeping with women a couple of times and it wasn't right for me. And I had a very high sex drive in my younger years, and was very active both with earlier boyfriends and at the beginning of this relationship.

I do think there's a possibility of sexual trauma though. There was definitely some dodgy sex stuff with my ex that could have left a mark on me. I used to respond to anxiety and difficult emotions with being hypersexual. Now the opposite seems to be happening.

'We use tracking of my cycle plus withdrawal.'

That genuinely isn't a reliable contraceptive method- please don't just use that unless you're prepared to risk bringing another kid into this situation. That's my main and stand alone point.

Also, though, it may be on some level that you know (sensibly and rightly) this fact that this isn't a safe method of contraception, and the risk of pregnancy is part of what's putting you off sex. Unless you can persuade your husband to wear condoms or have the snip, please see your GP to find a reliable method of contraception, unless you're happy to have a baby feeling the way you do about your marriage.

If he won't go to counselling together, have you considered trying counselling on your own and see how that goes? It might help you to process previous traumas and to explore what you want at this point. (I don't think you've mentioned already trying it - sorry if you have!

If he's a decent sweet guy then he won't want you to be suffering and he won't want you to be having sex that you don't want. I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but it would be good to find some way to let him know that you need things to change. You don't have to explain how long you've been feeling that way if you're worried that that'll make things seem even worse to him - you can just start from now.