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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I just an old misery?

5 replies

Raven79 · 17/11/2019 15:03

Hello. I don't know if it's just me being miserable but I am just not looking forward to Christmas. We usually do a secret Santa (siblings mum and stepdad) and often people spend nearly £100. In the past it's been fun but the last year has been stressful. I haven't seen my sister for three months as she is extremely volatile. She starts arguments and then accuses family of talking behind her back. She's also telling everyone she's going to try for a baby. She's nearly 40 and has an 18 year old. I've just been diagnosed as post menopause and although I couldn't have children even if I wanted (my child's dad took his life) it hurts that I've had no say in my life. I also suffer extreme tiredness and aches. I told my sister this and she just dismissed it and said "that's what I'm worried about so we are going to start trying". I was expected to babysit my nephew constantly when I was first widowed and I know I'll be expected to again. My family raise their eyebrows at her outbursts but say nothing. I've tried to stand up for myself in the past but then I'm the one in the wrong. Because it's Christmas we are supposed to be all happy families. I love my sister but I just don't like her. I'll have to sit and listen about their houses they rent out and their expensive holidays. I hate it. I'm in a council house and haven't been abroad in 8 years. I'd like to go away for my daughter's 18th but I feel pressured into doing an expensive secret Santa. I suggested a cheaper one this year bit was shot down (despite my mum originally saying it was a good idea). I feel stressed about the whole thing. Am I wrong? X

OP posts:
gardenerlily · 17/11/2019 15:13

I don't blame you for being stressed. Christmas is just one day in the year and you should be allowed to spend it as you wish.

Could you say that you can't afford expensive presents and you are saving for a holiday and you want to do your own thing this year? Could you perhaps see family you are close to for a Christmas Eve or boxing day quick catch up instead? It's your day as well as your family's.

I'm also on a tight budget so I can understand where you are coming from. I have always done what I have wanted for Christmas and I think everyone else should too. It wouldn't bother me to have a pizza on my own lol.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 17/11/2019 15:16

You're not wrong no. I call it Stressmas.

You can opt out. Arrange a quiet xmas at home for you and your dd. Refuse to babysit. It's only hard saying no the first time, after that it gets quiet easy.

topcat2014 · 17/11/2019 15:22

I am dreading Christmas too, but for different reasons.(We had an adopted child for seven weeks who then went back. ). Tbh I am avoiding it if I can. Society places such pressure for us all to have a perfect John Lewis Christmas and it can't always be done. Good luck OP

0SometimesIWonder · 17/11/2019 15:29

Another old misery here; I hate the whole charade that's Christmas. Months of hype for one day and it's become all about consumerism.
That, and too many absent friends make it hard for me.

fit4more · 17/11/2019 16:01

Ok. Firstly, calm down. There’s an awful lot going on in your post. You come across as having the green eyed monster. You know that’s how every family operates right? You get together and talk about stuff you’ve been doing, plans for the future, things you want to do/buy/see. What else do you talk about otherwise? Politics? What they do or don’t do in their lives doesn’t/shouldn’t impact you. If it does you need to start counselling right now and learn resilience. Have you heard of “ducks back”? You smile, nod say “right. Sounds great” then promptly forget. Otherwise you’ll be constantly stressed and feeling jealous. You need to focus on yourself, your own family unit and work out why them saying things/anything impacts you so much. I had a family party this weekend and there was loads of that kind of talk going on. I can’t honestly remember who said what about anything. Smile and nod, smile and nod. It’s called small talk. You are taking it all way too personally. You also need to learn “no is a complete sentence”. They want to do £100 secret Santa? Your answer “no”. If they want to do it, they go ahead. You say no and that’s the end of the story. Your sister expects you to babysit? Wtf? So what? She can expect diamonds and rubies but what she expects isn’t the law and you won’t be arrested if you say “no”. Another line you need to practise in front of a mirror is “sorry, that doesn’t/won’t work for me” said with a slight smile. You don’t elaborate or explain. It sounds like you are letting your family over step boundaries. Learn resilience and stock phrases. So what if your sister has 10 babies? It’s nothing to do with you or your life. It shouldn’t even cross your radar. If your 18 year old wants babies then you’re interested. Millions of people are having babies all over the world. It’s no big deal. Stop obsessing about your sister. You’ll be so much happier if you get rid of FOMO and put energies into yourself. You live in a council house? Great. Why is it an issue for you? Not everyone can have the same standard of living. Be happy with your own stuff in house. You might benefit from some CBT to be honest

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