Advice about an ex

[Iris1990]

I’ve been with my partner almost 3 years and we have 2 children together. We have had massive issues due to him having a severe gambling problem that I only found out about when my eldest was 6 weeks old. He’s managed to stop for the last year and has worked really hard to turn his life around but it did tear us apart. The lies just destroyed any trust and love I had for him.
I believe that we could have a happy life if we carried on working on our relationship and getting back on track but I’m not in love with him; I love him as the father of my children and my best friend/ partner in life but I’m not in love with him.

My problem is, I have an ex who split from me 4 years ago - we had been together 3 years and I wanted to take the next step; baby/engagement/buying a house but he wasn’t ready to. This caused issues with us because I was 100% sure I wanted to spend my life with this man, I was in love with him from the second I laid eyes on him and I wanted us to settle down.
This caused him to start pushing me away and the more he pushed, the harder I tried to cling on as I couldn’t bear losing him. In the end it got too much, I was too clingy and he left.
I don’t know what to do, it’s been 4 years and I am still completely in love with him. I don’t want to break up my family for nothing but I know I’ll never love anyone like I love him.
He’s stayed single ever since we split but now he’s in a relationship and he’s such a good man, he’d never cheat on her but in a dream world, telling him how I feel might mean he realises he feels similar and wants to give things another go? (I can’t believe this would be the case)
Do I try and tell him how I feel? Do I risk breaking up my family to make myself happy or do I stay in a relationship where I’m not in love with the man? I don’t want to leave my partner and be a single mum because then no one wins; me, my partner or my children.
Please could someone give me some advice on what I should do 😫

Why did you have children with a man when you were still in love with someone else?

And why did you have another child with a man you didn’t trust and had lost all regard for?

You have a lot more to think about other than your ex who is now with someone else. I suggest you start with issues closer to home and out your two innocent tiny children at the front of you mind not another man

You cant rely on another man to 'save' you. Your options arent just one man or the other, if you arent happy then jumping feet first into another relationship is a huge mistake anyway.

From what you have said you would be far better off being single and co parenting. Dont try to destroy what your ex has now because you arent happy. If he wanted you, he would have let you know in the time he was single.

You're living in a fantasy. Your ex has given you zero reason to think he wants you back, and he has settled down with someone else. You really need to work on letting this obsession go.

Thanks for the kind replies guys... Not.
I wouldn’t break up what he has with someone else but I know he would be too proud to tell me if he did feel the same when he was single as he’s the one who left me.
And I always put my innocent children first, thank you... hence the fact we are working on our relationship after everything he’s put us through, including spending all of our money on gambling and leaving me with no money to feed our children and having to beg borrow and steal for them. I stuck by him and helped him through it so my children could have a decent father.
We got pregnant with my eldest by mistake and conceived my youngest when my partner had convinced me that he’d stopped gambling, only to discover while I was pregnant that he never stopped, which left me in hospital with a heavy bleed at 28 weeks due to the stress.
I moved on after we split and tried to forget about my ex, hoping my feelings would fade over time - I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life waiting for someone who didn’t want me.
I feel like I didn’t make myself clear in my first post... I’m not wrecking anyone’s life or trying to hurt anyone, I’m with my partner and we are working on improving our relationship but I’ve never stopped loving my ex, I can’t help that and I’m making the best of my situation now.
I didn’t realise I would come across as a bad guy

I am a mother to three young children and left an abusive man - their father. I know not all in life is not rosy. I know mistakes are made myself perhaps more than many others.
But it is no good being petulant with people on here that are merely telling you the truth.

In your words “you are working in the relationship”. You are not if you are pipe dreaming and longing for someone else who despite having less serious issues than a gambling addiction was unprepared to commit to you enough to start a family.

Either work at this relationship or leave and bring your children up as co parents. Whatever you do don’t start running around after a man who also has form for breaking your heart.

And actually, now I come to think of it even the title of your thread is all about him and NOT a mention of your children.
Be honest with yourself.

I wouldn't actually recommend you stick out your current relationship. Living with an addict of any kind is hard and if you don't love him any more then no amount of "working at it" is going to help.

It's just your ex is a red herring, a distraction and it's unrequited love. You're focusing on the wrong thing .

How old are you? It seems you have rushed decisions and feel the need to cling to a man. There maybe some underlying reasons for this, often childhood related.

Your partner's gambling was obviously extremely hurtful and broke your trust but as a mum you have to put your children first and that means thinking and acting with your head.

Forget the Ex, if he comes into your mind use a diversion technique until he is history.

Work out if your current partner can genuinely change, realistically only time will tell. Once you see and feel the change your trust might rebuild and then you will feel more secure.

If however he breaks your trust again then be prepared to be a single parent. It really is the only option as your children don't deserve to have another man dropped into their life because you are afraid of being alone. You will need time to be single to build up your confidence.

It sounds harsh but with 2 young children there is a potential for them to have a very unstable childhood.

OK op, think ppl are being a bit harsh on you here.

But I also think you are only thinking about ex now because your current relationship isn't working and you are feeling lonely. And perhaps the passage of time is adding rose tinted glasses into the mix.

I say, get shot of current partner (don't let him live with you if he has a gambelling problem). And once that is sorted, take some time to become used to your own company again (because dating to 'fix' something. Eg: sadness about a failed relationship) doesn't work. Then maybe start dating again.

But let your ex remaining the past. He may not even be that person you remember. Especially now years have passed. And besides, he also walked away from you then so...

You were strong once and you will be again. Just sort your current relationship out and then take some breathing space. Look for peace, rather than a man to fix your woes.