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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this bullying from my mother?

6 replies

TodoDoingDone · 17/11/2019 10:59

I lost it on the phone to my mum and feeling bad. I live abroad and 6 members of my family want to come to visit. About a month ago, they announced they wanted to come two weeks later. I said no, as it was an inconvenient time with work, schools etc. My mother was a real pain about it, saying "we're not coming to see you, but the children"and basically not taking my no. I stood my ground saying we should agree on dates that suit us all.
Well, then she started asking for dates, that suited. One possibility was Easter and before we agreed on final dates, they've booked. Informed in an email. I don't know if I can take time off work, children have school because they booked days before holidays as it's cheaper . Whatever.
She just rang saying she hears DH is stressed because they are coming (things always get twisted so it's his issues, not mine). I lost it, told her we hadn't agreed, fed up of being "shouted at" by her (In losing it, I used the wrong word, nobody shouted at me, just constant nagging about it.)and told her we'd speak another day.
She's just rang back saying,"oh, don't let them shout at you. Call me. Hugs".
I feel bullied!. Do you think I should ignore, or ring and clarify the shouting bit? I'm sure she'll try to blame DH.

OP posts:
fit4more · 17/11/2019 12:36

That’s awful and yes she’s a bully. Tell them that if they want to come then they’ll have to come knowing the house will be empty for the first week of their stay. They will have to amuse and cater for themselves. Message (not verbal) that she really should have checked dates before booking because this country’s term dates are different to the uk. It’s fine to come but you will be at work and kids will be at school. You can all have dinner together in the eve. Try not to let her over drama you into a reaction. You don’t have to book time off work. She’s an adult and can look after herself. It’s perfectly acceptable to spend a few hours with them in the evening only. You probably need to figure out why she triggers you so badly

FizzyGreenWater · 17/11/2019 12:48

Can you email or text? It needs to be plainly stated in writing.

'Let me be clear about this. I am not upset because of DH or anyone here 'shouting' at me because they arte not. I am upset because once again you've streamrolled over me with this visit. We were DISCUSSING what times were convenient for BOTH of us, we hadn't agreed on final dates and you've gone and booked. That is NOT ok with me and I hate the way you've now used your old tactic of twisting it around to try and make the issue mine or DH's. I'm upset with you because you're pretty much a bully over stuff like this. STOP steamrollering, START respecting me, STOP pissing around with doing something unacceptale then sending huggy messages, or the visit is going to be cancelled.'

BaronessBomburst · 17/11/2019 12:55

My DM and DSF turned up last summer, having invited themselves with very little notice and at a completely inconvenient time. Then proceeded to huff when we didn't cancel a previously planned day out.
I have decided that they're not doing it again. I'm sick of being railroaded and bullied and I'm just going to say that they can't come at all in the future.
Sorry, I've got no helpful advice just a sympathetic rant.

TodoDoingDone · 17/11/2019 13:23

Thank you for your replies. They really help. I feel heard and validated!

FitI think I know why she triggered me, she did exactly the same thing a month ago. I dealt with it calmly then. But now I let out all the frustration. I'm the kind to swallow things up and the explode! Conditioned as a child not to show anger probably. On top of it, I'm also stressed - work, teenagers, hormone s, ongoing chronic health issues with DD and DH (which they know about) and I need couple further health things to check out.

Thanksfizzy, your message is perfect. I can't write to her as she doesn't do messages or email. (sil emailed-sil under pressure too to book tickets) but I'll stick to that script.

Baroness thanks for the sympathy. We seem to have similar railroaders as family. So I do sympathize with you too.Good for you for standing your ground. It's infuriating.

I can't Face talking to her today. But I hate the idea of her sitting self righteously thinking she's done nothing wrong. She's always right and judgemental.... there's a reason I live abroadWink

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 17/11/2019 13:33

Tell that as she didn’t check with you it is inconvenient and then send her the link to local hotels and or air bnb.

Then end with, ‘we will try and fit in a dinner while you are here’

BaronessBomburst · 17/11/2019 15:20

She's always right and judgemental.... there's a reason I live abroad

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