Kissed someone else - feeling so guilty

[GlitterOwl]

I need to get this out there as I am feeling desperately guilty and awful in myself. Please be gentle.

The last few months have been pretty hard for me. I have suffered a bereavement, after someone very close to me died, the person I loved and trusted more than anyone in the world. I have been experiencing awful anxiety, for which I have been taking medication. And to top it off, I am trapped in what I believe can be classed as an abusive marriage. My husband shouts at me and abused me verbally as every chance he gets. And when he isn't shouting at me he completely ignores me - I haven't had any affection or loving actions in a very long time. I knew things weren't going to work out when he shouted at me on the way back from our wedding, before he spent our wedding night in the spare bedroom, chatting to friends online. I guess I only have myself to blame really?

Anyway, I have felt desperately alone. I don't have any friends I can talk to, or family who will support me and not judge. As a result, I have become close to another man. It started off as a friendship, but gradually became a little more - he is nice to me and seems to actually care about me, plus gives me he kindness I don't get anywhere else. To cut a long story short, he kissed me and I responded. He has professed feelings for me but we have both agreed nothing would ever happen as he is considerably older than me and married himself. I don't plan to kiss him again.

People will ask why I don't leave - I am scared to. I'm scared about life independently, and I don't think I could survive where I live financially as needs two incomes. I also have a better the devil you know mentality.

I feel desperately guilty about the kiss, and worried people will find out. It's not doing my anxiety any good at all. If my husband finds out I know he won't be hurt or care in that regard as he seems to think I'm a piece of crap, but he will use it as a reason to shout at me and make my life hell as he's done so over much less.

I'm feeling helpless and awful.

Don't beat yourself up. We all need a hug or kiss or affection when we're low, and it sounds like you need it more than most. Life is short. You didn't let it get out of hand so don't worry. Try to get out of your unhappy marriage, find the strength. It took me 9 years and it's not easy but hopefully there is a happier life for us eventually.

Your relationship is not a healthy one. Being scared is not acceptable. You need to leave and you know this.

You will be ok. You will be better than ok. Maybe not as financially comfortable, but happy and relaxed.

Your husband will not change, so you must. Good luck op. I really hope you can get out of this abusive marriage.

Find the guts to leave. Your h is making your life unbearable.

This older married man is “being kind” and “professing feelings” because he wants to have no strings sex with a young woman behind his wife’s back. Don’t be fooled for one minute he would leave his wife and don’t waste your time. If you do have sex with him he will spin out the old “I feel guilty”, “My wife’s suddenly ill or emotionally unable to cope alone” etc etc.

I have no designs on being with this man, and even if I did, I am not stupid enough to think he would leave his wife. But even if we were both single I wouldn't want to be with him anyway.

I've been in and am in your shoes GlitterOwl and am actually looking for advice on here though my circumstances are maybe a bit different.

I didn't realise my husband was verbally abusing me until it escalated to the point where he threw something at me which hit me in the face. It was only after searching online and reading up that the scales have fallen from my eyes and I have got the courage to leave him. Like you I got involved with someone else, whether for comfort or love I am still working through

For you I would say, use the experience you had with the older man as a lynchpin. You need to leave too. Believe me the day unpacked my bags and left I was relieved. That says it all. Don't tell your husband about the kiss, you don't know what he might do. He might become physical. Instead plan your escape, consult a lawyer and get out. I wish I had so much earlier.

You will be better than ok. I should have added you said you had no friends or family to support you? Can you phone a domestic violence helpline? They will help you to see he is an abusive twat and need to leave. You deserve so much more my love.