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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need some good old mumsnet advice - new relationship and whether I am over reacting?

18 replies

TheSparkling · 16/11/2019 22:28

I've been seeing a man for nearly three months. He seems genuinely lovely, kind and undemanding. I really like being with him and there does seem to be a chemistry of sorts when we are together. But I have some issues - we are about an hour away from each other so with kids (mine) and work we usually manage to see each other once a week, sometimes twice. Recently though we have really struggled to get together and I am finding I am less interested in him the longer we are apart.
I think this is because he wouldn't let me go to his house last weekend because he said his house was a mess. This was the Saturday, on the Sunday we had arranged a double date meal out with some friends of his. His friend changed the times and I couldn't go because I had childcare issues at that time. To be honest I felt really cross that we hadn't managed to meet up all weekend when I had planned childcare and we were both off work (both shift workers). I did blame him in my head and felt unvalued because he hadn't put any effort into his house so I could go over. I know it wasn't his fault directly that the time of the meal was changed on the Sunday although he knew I couldn't go at that time. But I understand that he wanted to see his best friend and we've not been together long enough for me to take priority.

So, that's over a week since we last got together, planned to meet yesterday but he agreed to go into work so that was cancelled, and then today, he was coming over and an accident on the motorway held everything up for 3 hours so he gave up and went home.

It just seems to me that he is saying he wants to be with me (if you read the messages he sends me) but in reality he isn't putting any effort in to organising it. I don't know whether I am over reacting, every thing in isolation could be out of his control but then why not put some effort into sorting his house so I could go there?

Am I wrong? Am I expecting too much? I have not dated for a long time so I am really not sure where I am at with this.

OP posts:
bangheadhere40 · 16/11/2019 22:47

I think you have to go by his actions, not his words unfortunately. If you have a gut feeling it's normally right.

bangheadhere40 · 16/11/2019 22:48

And have a read of the dating thread on here, it's great.

Groovinpeanut · 16/11/2019 22:52

I don't think you're wrong to feel as you do, or that you are over reacting. The whole reason for being in a relationship is that you enjoy seeing each other, and enjoy spending time together. So if that's not happening you're bound to question the relationship. Has he got children?
The messy house excuse is a bit lame. It sounds like he's got too comfortable with a bachelor pad.
If you don't miss him much when you don't see him for a while, that's quite telling don't you think?
He may not be the one for you. I wouldn't waste time with waiting around for someone you never see. Life's too short!

TheSparkling · 16/11/2019 22:52

Thanks - there have been a few little things that have made me think this is not going to be a long term relationship but because when are together there is chemistry I get confused.

OP posts:
Ilovethekitties · 16/11/2019 23:08

If he wanted to see you, he would, no excuses. Simple as that. If he isn't then there is your answer.

FoxandFish · 17/11/2019 06:45

I would believe in his action rather than words. A few years ago I dated a guy who declered he wanted to be with me and how great I was etc. but he often cancelled dates and gave me very poor excuses. I tolerated it for a while as I didn't want to comes across as needy and I was confused by what he was saying and how great it was when we eventually spent time together but then spoke to him about it and he admited he was actually to busy for a relationship. Well thanks for letting me know!GrinWink I did not waste my time on him anymore.

RantyAnty · 17/11/2019 07:14

It sounds like he's lost interest. I would start to date others.

Rainbowshine · 17/11/2019 08:21

I think he’s married or has several women he’s dating. Rubbish last minute excuses would say that to me.

wishywashy27 · 17/11/2019 08:25

You're definitely not being unreasonable to feel this way. If someone wants to see you they will regardless of whether that means rescheduling with a friend or making sure their house is tidy. It really isn't difficult.

Personally I would distance myself a bit and see if he makes the next plans to meet. If he doesn't you have your answer. Must be really annoying to make plans just for them to get altered or cancelled all the time.

I remember in the early days of me and dp we would do anything to sneak even half an hour together - it shouldn't be hard work at this stage even with the distance factor.

LittleWing80 · 17/11/2019 08:31

How is he with communication when you are not together? I.e calls/texts you as much? Have you noticed a change in pattern?

happytoday73 · 17/11/2019 08:32

The messy house excuse is lame... He could have hit it for the hour it took you to drive and made at least some rooms reasonable.

I'd judge him on his actions and start to pull away. If he is interested but distracted he will start paying attention.. If not well that's as you expect...

Michaelbaubles · 17/11/2019 08:40

I agree with the pull away advice. Do chatty, light hearted messages etc (so it’s not like you’re sulking or playing games) but don’t necessarily be the first to initiate chat and don’t suggest any meet up plans. If things fell through because of issues on his end he should now be keen to make up for that. If he doesn’t plan anything this week I’d say he’s just not that into you.

rowrowrowyaboat · 17/11/2019 08:52

Hes just not that in to you....
Sorry op, i know it sucks to hear, but at 3 months in it shouldn't be this hard work, he should be climbing mountains to see you 🤷‍♀️

RadishesAndLentils · 17/11/2019 09:13

The motorway holdup is actually the least crap of the excuses. If after 3 hours he was still closer to his house than yours then that seems reasonable.

And you might have been ok about it if it hadn't come off the back of the two really shit excuses the previous weekend.

Messy house? WTF? You've been there before presumably so if he lives in squalor you'd already know and if it's just usual mess then he could have fucking tidied it.

As for the friend changing plans and your childcare issues, there are loads of different ways he could have handled that which didn't involve just blowing you off for the whole day.

That said, I think it is easy to overreact when you're disappointed. I only see my boyfriend at weekends and sometimes he's had to cancel and I do get angry. Not at him because it's always for a good reason. I'm just really disappointed and it makes me cross. I don't think you're overreacting though.

TheSparkling · 17/11/2019 09:30

Lots to think on here - thanks everyone.

I am beginning to suspect he is quite lazy and used to being a bachelor - I've been to his house a few times, it was always fairly tidy and clean. He did have a break in a few weeks ago and has two windows boarded waiting for insurance to replace them. But he has shown me pictures so I don't get that that is the only reason I can't go to his.. The not being invited to his I find the most odd.

I guess I am just wondering if I am over reacting as I was really disappointed about last weekend. Anyway he has asked to meet for lunch today so I've said yes, will see what the day brings.

OP posts:
happytoday73 · 22/11/2019 22:11

How did it go?

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 22/11/2019 22:58

Sounds to me like he is making excuses to get out of seeing you. Once is understandable, twice is a coincidence and 3 times is bullshit. You've only been dating him 3 months and he's blowing you off this much already?

I had an ex that did this to me. Always plausible excuses and he could lie without flinching. Turns out he was a narcissistic sociopath and was shagging as many women as he could. Every time I didn't listen to my gut feeling about a situation, I've always regretted it. Listen to your gut.

MyKingdomForBrie · 22/11/2019 23:01

He's not that into you, I'd say. The messy house thing is just pure bs.

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