I made the stupid mistake of being in a relationship with a colleague who I worked closely with (we are both in our 40s , both divorced, same number of DC.) We dated for 18 months I thought quite seriously and kept our relationship secret because it's not allowed at work, until I discovered via another colleague that my supposed bf was in a four year relationship with another more senior colleague (a 60 year old) who was also keeping it quiet for the sake of the work policy.
I confronted my b/f who admitted that he had been in a relationship with the other colleague and was in love with her and obsessed by her and they had, had a rough 18 months where she had briefly returned to her exH and that he had got with me in order to distract himself from that heartbreak. Apparently she is currently going between the two (her ex and her boyfriend at work - my ex.)
I've found the last two months of this discovery and subsequent removal of everything I thought was my reality, pretty rough. What has made it worse is that he has kind of kept the door open by saying that he knows that his relationship with this woman is completely unhealthy and that it has to end. And he knows that it lacks substance and I have depth but that it is like he is addicted to her because she intermittently rejects him and please can I help him get over it. He says he wants us to "stay close," so that when he gets over it he still has me in whatever form I want.
It was especially painful hearing him telling me how he stares at her name on wats app and waits for her to come online and start typing to him and how he sometimes leaves her 16 calls in a row. He says she is a nightmare and a drama queen but that he just cannot kick his obsession and he knows that it's all about her occasional rejection of him which is why he wants her. He adds that he is so grateful he has me as a friend and can now tell me everything and it is a sign that we are such good friends. That he will never lie to me again and he is there for me no matter what.
He and I have had some quite fraught conversations on days when I have been really struggling to come to terms with what has happened. He has been very compassionate and worried about me and gone out of his way to talk. Him being so nice and apologetic only makes me suppress my anger about it all and makes me become quite self destructive (drinking and eating too much.) I keep overthinking and wondering why he wants to be with this woman and not me, and he keeps explaining that it's an addiction and he needs to get over it, that he was really happy with me and I am much better than her, but that now I know, I can't unknow it.
I know deep down that I love my job, I'm good at it and I don't want to move. I am determined to make it work despite the daily torture of having to see him and having to see them together. I have found it so hard to keep remembering how we went from seeing each other and having sex 3-4 times a week and speaking most evenings and mornings, making breakfast and dinner in each others kitchens to this professional relationship where we are supposed to just cross paths in the office.
He has suggested that I give him a list of things he can do to make this all easier for me. I appreciate the gesture but I don't even know what I would put on that list. I crave the emotional intimacy we had before even if it's as friends but then I feel that is desperate and accepting of this situation where I feel I was conned - even though he has been so apologetic. Last month I told him I thought that no contact would work for me, for a while. He got very upset and cried and said that he couldn't do that. He eventually agreed and we tried it, but we work so closely together (about 10-15 work calls and meetings a day) that it was pointless.
What can I sensibly and self-lovingly ask from him to help me get on with this job and make it work?