4 year affair

[Shazza46]

Sorry guys but it happens!
I’m a Muslim woman that has had an arranged marriage for 25 years, not my choice of partner. I don’t find him attractive and have never liked sleeping with him. I can’t do all the usual things with him like going to cinema , dinner having fun etc as we do not have anything in common. I have tried for a long time but if there’s no attraction there then it’s not gonna suddenly appear. I have two boys one is grown up and the other one is 10. I am 45 years old.
Four years ago I met a man that I developed feelings for and I can say I am madly attracted to and in love with. He was with his wife at the time. To cut a long story short she admitted to sleeping with someone else thus the marriage broke down. So he is now alone. All this happened whilst I was in a relationship with him so I supported him also regarding his marriage breakdown.
Anyway his wife did find out about me and him and texted me saying that he is a liar and always will be .. and that their relationship hasn’t finished (this is what he told me.) and they had been trying to work at their marriage but she was leaving him. She also sent me messages of him confessing his love to her at the time when he was telling me that there was nothing left in thier marriage. Obviously it was his wife and he was tying to maintain his marriage but he didn’t tell me this. His wife also mentioned that he has always ‘talked’ to women and has been caught a few times (phone calls, inappropriate messages to other women.. apparently) what she was trying to say is that he is a cheat - but she didn’t say it?
Ok so because I’m in love with him I want to leave my husband for him. How ever gut feelings have stopped me ?
It seems he is very selfish and a bit of a narcissist. He is very charming loving and loves sex. However when we argue sometimes he refuses to listen or acknowledge anything I say as I’m unimportant. There was a time a year ago that I told him to go . I finished the relationship as he kept hassling me to leave my husband so I said ok go find someone else. Then a few weeks later he admitted that he sent inappropriate texts to another woman on linked in..??
So the bottom line is I can’t trust him. Something has stopped me in the past few years from leaving my husband? Just a bad feeling about him that he’s a liar and a cheat. All he does is confesses his love to me like a madman, and will come close to tears expressing his love to me . He is a good looking man and can have anyone he wants but he says he can’t trust any woman as he has been hurt and only trusts me .
I can’t ask you guys on what to do .. but does this guy sound genuine ? He wants to marry me ?

Obviously he knows how hard it is going to be for me to leave my husband as I am Muslim and it will cause a big uproar due to cultural reasons I will probably lose a lot of my family members over this. Would he really put me through all the hassle to marry me then get bored and start looking elsewhere? He is also 46 and has two daughters living with him as their mum has left the house. Any help appreciated guys !

I'm sorry but you absolutely cannot trust this man. It seems clear that your unhappy marriage has skewed your perspective on this affair. He is a liar and a cheat and undoubtedly will do it to you, too.

does this guy sound genuine ?

No. Seriously, no.

If you are unhappy in your marriage and you cannot see a way to resolve this then you should absolutely make steps to end it and plan a new life. But do not base your decision and plans on the fact that you think this guy is your knight in shining armour. I would bet my house that even if he does "commit" to you, he will be bored in a matter of months and either be back with his wife or seeing other women.

It is never wrong, religiously or culturally to leave a bad marriage or relationship but do so with honesty and integrity.

I think you need to be alone, for a long period of time and then see how you feel and if he has been patient and given you space.

As far as this man goes, he sounds untrustworthy but then you met on dishonest grounds and built your foundation together based on infidelity and that is never a good start.
You really need to leave your marriage, it does not sound good but don't leave for another dysfunctional man, do it for yourself.

As for culture, I'm Sikh, come from a hugely influential family. Married someone suitable who then had 3 affairs and decided he didn't want to remain married.

We have 3 children together. EVERYONE in my community pressured me to stay with him as we don't 'don't divorce. There was no way I was going to stay.

Almost 5 years later I have a new partner who absolutely worships me in every way and I him. He is a wonderful man and we are compatible in every way. He's black.

My point is life is what you make it (to a certain degree) be honest in your decisions, don't compromise yourself and do what it best for you and your children. Your community doesn't have to live your life, you do.

And in case I haven't made it clear, ditch the unstable OM, allow your husband a chance to build a new life, build your own life and THEN think about a relationship, an honest one.

DM1209..
thanks for your story ! The guy I’m having a n affair with is also black? So to marry him would be so controversial! I’m pakistani and born and bred here in the uk and taken to Pakistan to marry an uneducated man? Don’t get me wrong he loves me and has provided for me and despite me sometimes being stubborn in wanting to have my own way, has let me have my way. Ok comfortable financially as he works all hours, but I feel I’m missing out on a true relationship? I can’t even sleep with him anymore as I am not attracted to him ... I’m like his babysitter? As he has always sought my opinions decision making and really can’t make his own decisions? Obviously he is from Pakistan and it frustrates me ? Like when the kids leave home ? What relationship do I have in our old age?

The crux of your issue for me is your affair, I have never been in your position so cannot understand it.

I know with my partner, it is hard enough to be in a honest relationship where we were both single when we met, without the looks and the comments, I cannot imagine what that would be if my relationship with him was the result of an affair and why I left my husband.

End your marriage and be single. Your OM doesn't sound at all like a good guy.

I appreciate there are cultural issues at play here, but I strongly feel it’s madness to leave one relationship in order to jump straight into another one.

If you want out of your marriage you should do that if it’s best for you. And be content with going it alone. If you then start another relationship at some point, great.

There is a very big chance this guy you’re seeing is a dick. You just haven’t realised it yet as you have had an affair, not a proper relationship. You need to separate the two rather then go ‘I will only break up with A if I can get into a relationship with B.’

It takes a certain tyoe of person to send inappropriate linked in messages. It's seriously not the place for that behaviour and is seedy and desperate. I'd go with your gut feeling on this that he is not to be trusted. I understand this is easy to say from an outside perspective so I wish you a lot of success and strength for the coming months/years. Remind yourself, you only live once, how do you want to look back on that time? Who do you want to have shared it with? No decision is right or wrong.

Don't jump out of the frying pan into the fire. There are men (& I daresay some women), who like having more than one significant person in their lives and this man sounds like one of them.

However, if you are really unhappy, you don't have to stay with your husband. If you're not happy the chances are he isn't. Try talking to him about an amicable separation and do tell him your reasons.

I'm sorry you had to go through an arranged marriage, that must have been incredibly difficult. Sounds to me like affair might the right trigger to leave a very unhappy marriage. But not to stay with the affair - as neither relationship you described sound healthy or happy, how about being single for a bit to give yourself the chance to find a partner that you really connect with on all levels?

Thanks everyone for your responses... they have really helped.