I've done a bad thing. But is this a normal reaction?

[IsThisNormal1]

Sorry, this will be long.

Been together almost 10 years. He's late 30s, I'm early 30s.

I'll start off by saying we've had a lot of stress in our relationship. About 4 years ago we were dealing with a lot of drama with my family - absolute narcs, the lot of them. It was resolved 2 years ago and I'm NC with them now.

Due to this drama, our relationship has taken a back seat. He's never been the romantic lovey-dovey type, but all intimacy stopped. We don't kiss, cuddle, hold hands, nothing. Sex is rare. Almost non-existent.

When the drama was resolved, I thought brilliant we can get on with our lives now. This hasn't happened. He does literally nothing. I do all the cleaning, washing, DIY, I even book his car MOT and doctors appointments for him. He wont take any initiative. Works at the same dead-end job which he hates but won't do anything about because "Brexit" or "job hunting is too hard" or various other reasons.

I experienced a major hiccup in my job last year (company restructuring) and was almost made redundant. I'm the bread winner so this was a huge deal. I signed myself up for an online course and told him he needs to step up with housework etc because I need to do this qualification while also working a 50 hour week. He stepped up for 2 or 3 days, then went back to his old ways. He leaves everything at his arse. I spend the evening cleaning, it's a shit tip by the next day. I do his washing and ask him to put it away, it gets left in a heap on the floor. Dishes left next to the dishwasher for me to put away. This goes on daily for months. Every day it's like he's saying a massive "FUCK YOU".

I don't like to nag but when confronted he says he's just got no motivation since the drama. Yes it was traumatic but life needs to go on. I have zero family now and it's not exactly been easy for me either! I've offered to pay for counsellors etc for him. No. He just spends all day every day watching YouTube and doing nothing. He says he needs to "build up" to doing anything and if that doesn't work, he can't do it at all.

Last night we went out for a few drinks at the pub. I admittedly drank too much and was very intoxicated. We both were. There was a man there and we got chatting at the bar. A proper real conversation for once about history, a mutual interest. This went on for some time and I feel we did have a connection of some sort. He left, and I went outside a few minutes later because I was starting to feel a bit unwell with the alcohol. Unbeknown to me, the man was still there and he kissed me. I haven't been kissed or even had any ounce of affection for years, so stupidly I didn't stop him.

DP came outside, saw this, and flew into a rage. He threw a glass at me, cutting my arm. Blood pouring. He then took my purse and went home, leaving me stranded with no money for a taxi home. The guy behind the bar had to loan me money.

I got home and DP had locked the gate knowing full well I couldn't reach the lock to get in. (The taxi driver managed to reach it for me). This morning I find that he has cut up all my bank cards, and hid my house keys so I couldn't get out. He says he didn't want me "sneaking out anywhere".

We talked today and I told him how undervalued and unappreciated I feel, he said "well write me a list and I'll do the cleaning every Tuesday". I don't need him to clean, I just need him to start acting like a proper grown-up.

I know what I did was wrong, I don't deny that. I feel awful. I've apologised to him. He has spent the rest of the day saying nothing and holding his head in his hands. I understand he's upset. I would be too. His cousin phoned this evening and he was all bright and cheerful like nothing happened. Then was laughing at stuff on tv. An hour later hes slumped on the stairs saying he feels sick and dizzy. I can hear him how pacing upstairs. Hes acting like I've just killed someone!

Words can't express how bad I feel. It was so out of character for me. I admit it was nothing more than feeling "wanted" for 5 minutes. I would never have seen this man again and regretted kissing him almost the moment it happened.

I'm not sure why I'm posting. I've been horrible, I admit. But with his reaction, I just know hes going to make me "pay for this" and use it as an excuse to do even less. I love him still, I really do. (Although the resentment is horrific) Am I kidding myself? Do I need to call time or do I deserve this?

He's secretly happy you no longer have your parents and he is dressing this up as his trauma but actually he is pleased you now only have him

I can't believe he is acting so hurt. Yes the kiss was bad but his reaction is totally out of order. The comment on his way out of the door about hoping he doesn't lose his temper or whatever shoes that he thinks he is totally a victim of circumstance and takes no responsibility for his actions. I would say in the light of this you are not safe. At some point you could easily again do something that triggers him and he would feel no responsibility to rein in his behaviour.

OP I have been close to where you are. Big (my) family drama resulting in my going NC, lots of money involved. My ex secretly loved all that though, which I didn't see at the time, the drama meant he was able to 'be there for me' supposedly whilst never really having any of the emotional fall out that affected me. It also made me vulnerable in lots of ways and he was able to exploit this.

He was also a man-child, we had been together since we were 20 and he hadn't grown up. I was basically his mother. This was a decade later.

The thing he held over me wasn't cheating but the fact that I had tried to end things once and left him heartbroken. Guilt and sunken costs fallacy kept me with him.

We did get married and that lasted about 18 months before I realised that I couldn't have kids with this guy and live my life like this. We split when I was 31 and although the break up, divorce and property split was awful I haven't regretted it for one second.

I met someone else, of course I did - there are loads of actual nice men out there and I was still really young! We have now been married for five years and I gave birth to our third child two days ago. I am literally the happiest person I know.

Run away. Do it now, while you have no real commitment to him (a mortgage and a dog are nothing, honest to god, nothing at all that can't be sorted easily) and get on with your life. You will regret it forever if you don't. You could waste 50 YEARS like this!

Sunken cost fallacy.

Sunken cost fallacy.

Sunken cost fallacy.

Op- you are his mother, his MOTHER!! You cook for him. Tidy for him. Look after him. Clean for him. Baby him. Excuse him. You look after him like he's a child - he said to give him a "list" and he'll do it every Tuesday? He shouldn't need a bloody list as an adult! You shouldn't need to be telling this teenage sponger what to do!

There is NO shame at calling something this unhealthy quits op. He has done such a number on you - you are a hard working, intelligent woman - he will never marry you. He will never start cleaning up after himself. You will forever be his maid and his chef. The kids- yeah, not great - but it showed you that you can still connect with another human being. Still talk and have fun as adults, not with an immature man child who is your lodger that you look after. Did you really see this for yourself in life?

He will never change. However you will - leaving will give you freedom. Breathing space. Endless possibilities. He is suffocating you, dragging you right down and worse, keeping you down. You are worth MORE than being someone's skivvy.

*The kiss, not kids.

Also, as other posters have said, he is completely using the whole family dramamthing to keep you in your place and keep using it as an excuse.

Do I want to leave him? Honestly, I'm not happy and haven't been for some time.
I will read up on the sunk cost fallacy because right now, I'm trying myself in knots convincing myself that the grass cannot possibly be greener.

I'm working today and everything is in a haze.

I will enquire today about counselling for myself. He's off work today, don't know what kind of mess I'm going to go back home to.

If it was the other way around and the OP had walked outside and seen her DP kissing someone else, you wouldn't all be taking his side.

He lost any right to a moral high ground when he physically assaulted her and left her stranded.

he caught her and reacted angrily.

His reaction wasn't normal. It was violent and abusive.

If the roles were reversed, you'd still be siding with the OP.

Any time a woman has come on here saying she's hurt her partner she has been rounded on and told to leave and get counselling because attacking your partner is abusive. A handful have had some sympathy where she has sustained prolonged abuse, and even then she was told quite clearly that the assault was unacceptable. But a kiss outside a pub as an excuse to fling a glass at someone, cut their cards, lock them out and leave them stranded? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Imagine how you'd have felt if it had been you that had watched your DP flirt with a woman for an hour in the pub, then walked outside and seen them kissing?

Pretty confident I wouldn't physically attack him. I'd be crushed, heartbroken, furious, a whole number of things. But I still wouldn't throw a glass at him and leave him stranded, because I'm not a violent waste of space.

OP your solution to your desperate unhappiness is that your partner should change (it would need to be more of a metamorphosis really); be more responsible around the home, be more organised, more ambitious, more loving, less emotionally incontinent, less like a beligerent teenager. OP with the best will in the world, you can't change him, he is what he is. As is said on these boatds all the time, you can't change people all you can to is change how you react to their behaviour, and I think you know in your heart you have outgrown this relationship. Time to stop trying to change him and accept it's over

The housework thing he is totally not understanding. He says if he "starts off" by doing the housework every Tuesday, then this "should" eventually lead to a habit of cleaning up after himself on a day by day basis.. words just fail me. Is it so hard to look around and think "oh I've left this sitting around, I'll put it back?" Nobody is following me around getting me into the habit, I just do it.

His strategy for a Tuesday clean to get him into the habit proofs that he is simply not able to change his habits, more importantly he is not capable to change his attitude toward you. Seeing what is needed to be done around the house without being told is part of a healthy relationship. I really hope you find the energy to lave him. What you did is nothing compared to the passive hoary presented for years - he hs checked out of this relationship long before that unfortunate in the pub.

I'm trying myself in knots convincing myself that the grass cannot possibly be greener.

In that case I think you need to take a step back and book at your standards and expectations. What everyone is saying is that the grass couldn’t be less green on your side of the fence.

What is your conception of men that you don’t believe you could find someone better and more suited to you than this.

Typo: Horay = hostility

Autocorrect gone crazy!!

To answer your question: No, it's not hard.

There is an article I want to link to be annoyingly cannot find it. Please accept my remembered reiteration below

Basic premise is: most people want to be in a good relationship.
It has a diagram with stick men and steps

(Worst) single < bad relationship < good relationship (best/goal)

So you are staying in your crappy relationship hoping it becomes good and because you are scared of you are single you go back to square 1 and its even further from where you want to be.
Also a bad relationship is better than no relationship, right?
Plus maybe you won't find someone and you are stuck at level 0. Single. Alone. Foreveeeeer.

Wrong....
(Worst) bad relationship < single < good relationship (best/goal)

By staying in a bad relationship you put yourself further from your goal (good relationship) because you aren't available to meet someone to get into a good relationship with so you actually have to do more steps to get to a healthy relationship than a single person.

Basically you really should leave this guy your relationship is abusive toxic and DOA. What you've got for can't be fixed so you are choosing a bad relationship which blocks you from ever having a good relationship (and children if you want them)

Jesus Christ. He injured you, cut up your property and hid your keys to prevent you getting out? That's abuse OP. Whether you wanted this relationship to continue or not (sounds like it was already over as he's frankly an arse!) please leave. He's already threatened you again by suggesting he might 'lose his temper' tonight!

Woah. This relationship has run its course. He injured you, destroyed your possessions and locked you out then inside the house? That's unforgivable. Aside from being a cocklodger for years. You can do better he needs to fuck off. He injured you. What'll he do the next time he's hurt? Punch you? Kill you? It doesn't bear thinking about. He's not in control of his behaviour OP. That's a dangerous person to be with. Take care.

FFS OP, your replies are so wet and confusing- you didn't murder anyone through your drunken kiss. It was 'wrong' but look at the situation you're in- your current 'p' is a manipulative loser. I'm surprised you didn't run away with the interesting kissable stranger. Chuck this one out and start again with someone who has a bit more dignity and self-respect. The throwing at glass at you (is have called the police)/tiny voice/sighing/hugging the dog/still not changing his ways despite what's happened is fucking frustrating to read.

He gets his kicks by frustrating you.

I think he bloody loves a reason to be the victim and this kiss will be the perfect excuse to be hurt hopeless and aggressive for the rest of your days together. He will NEVER let this one go, I promise you. I'd suggest you make those days as few as possible otherwise it's not much of a life for you OP. You can do better

My XH wasn't remotely abusive, nice enough but we just couldn't get along - I felt when we separated I might live to regret it as the grass was a bit green when you looked at things objectively. However I've found much more happiness with someone else who's a better fit for me and who I can really relax with. So it's natural to wonder if we're doing the right thing BUT your grass is dead! The only way is up OP!

He deliberately resists you and plots daily to be obstructive. This is his passive aggressive war. He is really fighting one of his overbearing parents (tell us about them) - some unresolved childhood conflict that he is meting out on you - drip by drip - passive aggressive covert abuse that is eroding you to the point of losing your dignity. Dead by a 1000 cuts.

I bet when he ever does anything (after weeks of nagging) that he does a deliberately shit job, a half job, noisily banging the dishes in the sink, moaning on.

He has turned you into something you don’t want to be the raging, nagging, overloaded exhausted, confused partner. This is not a life.

Your partner should enhance your life - to support, encourage and develop you - to enable you to be the best version of yourself.

Kindness and respect are the two v basic components of any relationship - even a friend or colleague. That is not here.

The grass would be much greener on your own.

"Ive just went upstairs and hes sighing and clinging to the dog. Poor dog looks miserable! DP said today that hes not willing to "give up on our relationship because it's not fair on the dog""

It's all about him, isn't it? His decision as to if you're allowed to leave, same as the keys and the credit cards. He refusing to allow you to leave because it's obvious you are doing 100% of the work in this relationship and have been for a long time.

Notice how hes still not thinking about whats fair for YOU at all? It doesnt even occur to him.

Honestly OP, do you really value yourself so little that you truly believe this is the best you can do? My parents did a proper number on me too (haven't spoken to them in six years now) so I get it, but even I knew that I was worth more than my shitty relationship, and mine was probably not as shitty as yours.

You're really really really young still. This is the only life you are ever going to get, please don't waste it like this.

FML Did I really just read that he's blaming the breakdown in your relationships with YOUR family for his lazy arseditis

I've heard it all now. He's a lazy cocklodger. You deserve way better

It often happens that if you have a shit family of origin that did not cherish you - any passing random that even gives you the side eye is comforting and attractive. You have been in this relationship a v long time and from a relatively young, inexperienced age. I think getting the house and then the years and years of drama with your DP distracted you and masked the loser that he was and how he was unable to meet the v basic needs of any respectful partnership.

But you are maturing and growing emotionally. You have started to see the cracks and have taken action (changed your mind about children with him).

But you need top quality psychotherapy to re-wire your abused mindset so that you have some boundaries and can live a fulfilling life. Dumping this loser might even make this fool wake up and re-evaluate his own life.

Do both or one of you drink a bit too much? That can often be a “comfort” and “escape” in unfulfilling relationships.

You can help him a little. The fastest way to get into the habit of cleaning up after himself is to dump him. I say a little because nothing you can do or say or beg or sob can stop in from being a violent abusive manipulative wetwipe.

You need to get away from him.

What you did wasn’t great, but frankly given how your relationship was it’s hardly surprising

He’s a grown man who isn’t pulling his weight financially, around the house or emotionally.

You’re with him because change is hard, not because he’s a decent guy & you love him

You deserve more out if life than this 🌷