Is this abuse or am I over reacting?

[Whisky1988]

I'm sorry it may be a long post. I have noone else to turn to.
Been in a relationship 10 years 2 kids. He moved from London (about 40 minutes drive away) to live with me near my family etc this is relevant. Relationship has not been good for last 5 years. He holds things in then suddenly something will happen which will cause an argument and he will go on and on and on twisting things to make me seem horrible. Today is a great example I took his washing out of the washing machine so that I could do mine and the children's, he already had washing hanging up around the room so I put them on the table. He asked me rudely why I had done that. I immediately get defensive because I don't like the way he asked me. Now for the past 4 hours he has been texting me calling me a manipulative selfish bitch. Telling me I never wanted to have a family, I'm a retard (sorry for the language). On another occasion when Coming back from holiday he had a go at me because he put a large amount of stuff in the children's suitcase and my son wanted to take his very large water pistol home, so I moved some of his shoes from my sons suitcase to my daughters. I was a controlling manipulative bitch who is turning his son in to a pussy he kept shouting outside reception. On the coach (about an hour) he told our children he was going to move to spain/live in London he would see them when they older to explain the truth/he was going to take them to town tomorrow?! He always tells me of the great sacrifice he made 7 years ago moving from London what sacrifices have I made. He goes out constantly all night sometimes all weekend. Never spends time with children he comes home too tired, but as soon as they go to bed he goes out. Doesn't contribute enough despite being higher earner. 500.00 when our rent alone is £1000 so I can barely make ends meet (It all ends up on credit card) He always threatens me 'you don't know what I have planned' 'I want the children's passports.' telling me he will move out of UK. He hit me once last year a slap around the face, he pulled me down the stairs. Police were called by neighbours I told them everything but didn't press charges, he didn't say sorry.
Sorry for the long l, poorly written post. Just need to know am I going crazy?

Why are you still with him. I suspect maintenance would cover his contributions

Yes, I'm afraid this is abusive. It sounds like it's been building for such a long time that it's become normal to you. But it's not normal behaviour and it's not ok. He doesn't sound as though he has any respect or appreciation for you or the children. I know you must be scared of leaving, for what he may do or how he may react, but you're on the receiving end of his negative, manipulative behaviour more now than you would be apart. I would suggest contacting women's aid for some advice.

I have asked him to leave but he won't. We rent my credit is very bad.

He is an abusive arsehole. Please make steps to get rid x

Thank you for your replies I really appreciate it. I know it's not normalbut when I read his messages today why do I feel this guilt?

100% abusive. Do you have friends or family who could help? What's the housing situation?

Please get your children away from this bully before this atmosphere becomes their 'normal'

There's no evidence accept text messages today which make me sound bad so how do I get him to leave?

Every single time I see a title like yours @Whisky1988 I hope I can read the op and say, “No, it’s just normal run of the mill everyday relationship”

It never happens tho. Today is no exception sadly. This is abusive.

Thing is, as my therapist told me - over and over, it doesn’t have to be abuse for you to find it unacceptable.

He makes you feel awful, he makes you unhappy, your kids are being set an awful example about life and relationships.

Deep down you know it’s not acceptable or right that’s why you’re here.

Your kids will grow up thinking this is normal and they will repeat this scenario in their own lives.

Trust me, that’s going to kill you to watch.

So... you may have given up on yourself a bit, but you can’t give up on them! Get out of this for you, for them whatever motivates you more, doesn’t matter, you must get out.

You deserve better, the kids deserve to see you happy.

We rent. He pays his half but doesn't cover food bills council tax etc. Rent is £1000.00 my wage is £950 his is £1900.00 as a result my credit is really bad

I'm really sorry for what you've been through. You're in an abusive relationship which has escalated to physical abuse. You really need to start making plans to exit the relationship and protect yourself. You can get debt advice from the National Debt Line: www.nationaldebtline.org/ they can help you get your money under control.

Rights of Women can give you free family law advice and Women''s Aid can help you exit the relationship safely. Please give them a call. Don't let him know you're making plans to leave.

He is financially abusing you as well by not paying is fair share. No wonder you have bad credit.

None of what you’ve said is normal. You need to think about your children. Do you want them to grow up and be treated like this or treat others like this?

Do you suspect drugs? Next time he mentions leaving just say "yes please, when are you going"

From from a financial aspect you are likely to be better off as a single parent. Figure out what your bills/income would be if her left. It is likely you would get some benefits.

Do you have family support? If so get them involved so you dont feel so alone.

This is very clearly abuse. He sounds absolutely awful. Please do not continue this any further!

I am new to Mumsnet and I can not believe the upsetting stories I hear about woman being in these awful relationships with children around. I came on here as I had just left an emotionally abusive man (no children thank god). He’d call me the worst names under the sun and lose his temper with me everyday. A trick that I learnt was one time when he was going off at me in the car whilst he was driving, I recorded it to look back on to remind myself it’s not me going crazy! It devastates me to know that woman still stay with these scumbags.

I wish you all the best OP and I hope you can save yourself before you lose yourself

Thank you everyone. Deep down I now its not normally and he knows I want him to leave. I have done an online calculator before and would be so much better off. I just don't know how to do it. I will definitely make the phone calls on Monday. To be honest I'd always thought of womens aid as something for people in much worse situations

Are both your names on the tenancy? Do you have family you could stay with until you could save a bit for a deposit on a property for youself and the kids? You need to get legal advice asap to see how to get away from him. Contact womens aid for advice.

Both on tenancy. Could stay with parents at a push but would still be paying all the bills

I don't suspect drugs, I do think he could be depressed he does say that sometimes

Objectively, rationally... this sounds awful. Unhealthy & abusive, for you and your kids, no question. It's a real positive that you'd be financially better off on your own, and a good foundation from which to work your way out of this relationship. He's already got you doubting yourself, OP. Enough! Best of luck - you can do this.

He isn't just abusing you, he is abusing the children as well. Talk to Womens Aid for advice and support, and reconsider speaking to the police again. They already have a record of what happened before, and they are becoming more and more clued-up about why women so often back out of pressing charges, because of the fear of making things worse or reprisals. Get as much help as you can, and if possible talk to your neighbours and ask them to call the police on your behalf if they ever hear anything again.

I'm with others this is 100% abuse. How long is left on the tenancy?

I think you would be better off with maintenance and possibly some benifits but mabey head to famlies for a while to get back on your feet. Are your family supportive. My mum would dread me being in that type of situation and would be there to help.
Go to womens aid they will be a great resource to help you back on your feet.

It also sounds like he may be emotionally abusive to the children so getting them out may be in there best interest.

You don't have to stay in a tenancy if you are being abused, please phone Women's Aid, get some advice on your rights.

Thank you all for your advice I will definitely take it on board