Hate my relationship

[LittleMe23]

I will try and keep it short.

I’ve been with my DH for 8 years. The first 1 year and a half was good, loving, affectionate. Then I moved in with him and he became distant and uninterested.

He ignores me most of the time, when I talk he never looks me in the eye, walks off and never responds.

When I am upset he ignores me and has told me to get over it or change my mindset.

He has no interest in sex once a month if lucky, never wants to try anything new. Refused to get on top or do foreplay for 3 years. Then refused to sleep with me for 2 years.

We have sex once in a year and I get pregnant. He rarely spoke to me for the whole 9 months and wouldn’t even sit next me to on the sofa. I become depressed for the first time. Which he said I can’t be bothered to handle.

He always says nice things like he loves me and I’m his world but never shows it. I am very open with my feelings and concerns about our relationship and he always say he will try harder but won’t. I’ve tried to leave him many times even packed a bag and went to my mums but she said I should go back and work things out.

I have nowhere to go. He loves DD and showers her with affection kisses, cuddles, tickles, plays with her.

I don’t think he does it on purpose his parents are they same. They never told him they loved him, hugged or kissed him growing up. They never show emotion or argue and he is the same.

Sorry not as short as I wanted.

I just need advice. I’ve told family but they say he is a nice guy and I have no friends.

Have you thought about counselling?
If he refuses to go, then go yourself if you can because they will help you get your thoughts in order.

If your daughter was in this relationship, what you advise her? You are someone's daughter too.

He sees you purely and simply to facilitate his life and actively tries to fob you off with a few meaningless words. He is also very much a product of his own unloving upbringing (itself a red flag). Many abusive men can be quite plausible to those in the outside world and image is all important to them.

Joint counselling here is a non starter in any case so I would look into counselling on your own. You need a calm and safe environment in which to express yourself verbally and he will not give you that.

My advice is to seek legal advice asap with a view to leaving this man. This is no life or marriage for you and your daughter is seeing mixed messages from her dad (by being affectionate to her but not to you as her mum). This will confuse her as well as harm her emotionally.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

What do you want to teach your daughter about relationships and what is she learning here?. Is this really the role model she should be learning from?. Would you want her to have a relationship like yours, no you would not and its not good enough for you either. I am sorry to read that your mother let you down so badly here by telling you to go back so you need support from other areas, she cannot be relied upon here. Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations can help you move forward. Keep posting here too.

Well you need to leave him

What’s your living situation? Do you work?
Why don’t you have friends? Does he stop you?

No I don’t work. ‘He doesn’t want a stranger raising his child’

@AttilaTheMeerkat- my dad wasn’t very nice to my mum he was rude and verbal abusive. I think he cheated as well (which I heard through rumours), but she stayed with him until they day he died, 40 years.

I know it was an unhealthy relationship and in comparison mine isn’t that bad. Still until the end they were adamant they loved each other and were very open and honest and talked all the time.

I mentioned counselling over a year ago and he refused said he doesn’t have to money.

What's your plan so?

You grew up with a shitty example of a relationship between your parents and you're replicating that with your partner.

There's more to life than this, op.

He sounds controlling - why does his opinion you should stay home with dc trump everything? You're isolated and financially dependent.

You don't have to live like this. You need to start taking steps to leave.

I just don’t know how. I think that’s why I am stuck. Council housing is a 5 year wait and can’t live with family. So I just stayed.

I am learning how to drive so I can be independent.

Since having DD (18 months) I’ve had a lot of pelvic pain. Back, hips, groin docs are useless. When I do simple things like walking or standing for long periods of time I ache, but I will just have to get an office job. (I am young and slim)

He is the only relationship I have had, I think I have always been afraid of being lonely but I don’t really care anymore.

It’s nice actually having someone to talk to. Who doesn’t just dismiss me and say everything is fine. Thanks.

At the moment it's a forever wait because you're not on their list and you're not bidding for homes.

You'll stay lonely in this relationship and reliant on his good moods unless you start breaking out on your own.

Learning to drive is a great step.

How about also doing some other courses to get you geared up for work?

He always says nice things like he loves me and I’m his world but never shows it

Words are easy. His actions show who he really is. You clearly both had disfunctional relationship examples to learn from growing up, you need to break the cycle to help ensure your daughter doesn’t end up with a man like her father in future.

You’ve been with him 8 years and it was only the first 18 months that was good? That’s the saddest part. You’ve lived with his emotional indifference and unavailability for what, 6 and a half years, just because you didn’t want to be alone?

Personally, I’d be looking into some individual counselling for yourself, and work on building your self esteem and self worth so you can see that you deserve more nan this shitty relationship.

The massive waiting lists for council homes is always thrown around, but it doesn't actually work like that. Your need is assessed and you're given a banding, and then you can bid for homes that come up right away, and if you're the right priority you might get it. Leastways that's how it worked for me.

@WhiteVixen counselling would help but first I will need a job or money.

I guess I am just an anxious person.

Have you spoken to your GP? If you're in the UK you should be entitled to 6 free counselling sessions. I believe you self refer now. It won't be specific marriage counselling, just general but it might help to talk to someone who doesn't dismiss your feelings. .
(It used to be 6 free sessions but this may have changed - check with GP

Its a really good idea learning to drive. You need to be as independent as possible if you are thinking of leaving.
Do you think he might be in the closet?

@madcatladyforever I have questioned this but I have seen his phone and he does google naked females.

I think it’s a common misconception that all men love sex. Some men and women just aren’t in to it. Also watching too much porn and masturbating can ruin your sex drive.

@Livebythecoast I have looked into therapy and all the NHS give is cbt for depression and anxiety. Maybe that is just the area I live in.

OP, your mum is not going to give you the advice and support you need because she remained in an abusive relationship all her life. You are now in a shitty relationship because of the example she set. Do you want that for your child?

No one is asking you to pack a bag and make yourself homeless. Start by getting some information for yourself and take it from there.

It's an idea to call Gingerbread who are a UK charity and they can answer any questions you may have on becoming a single parent.

You've had years of this awful behaviour and it's not going to get any better, no matter how long you hang in there hoping. You owe it to your daughter to bring her up in a healthy, happy environment and this isn't it.

It sounds like he has CEN (childhood emotional neglect),Google Dr Jonice Webb as she has written 2 books about CEN and the impact it has on adulthood,it may give you a greater understanding of it and hopefully allow you both to work through it together.It sounds like he is crippled by it but things really need to change as it must be so hard for you too,he really needs to address this before he loses you.

This makes me so mad. It's not a million miles away from how my dad treated my mum growing up. Let me tell you, this is domestic abuse. Withholding affection is abuse. He dosent want sex? Trust me, he'll be getting it elsewhere. No man is voluntary celibate. The reason he's distant isbl because he has no emotional connection to you, because he's playing away. My dad and mum had separate bedrooms and it turned out my dad was sleeping with tonnes of other women. They were married for 30 years. It can be extremely damaging for a young daughter to grow up watching her mother treated like this, devalued and stonewalled (look up the term, this IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE). Don't put up with it, kick this pig out the door and don't look back. I was that daughter who watched her mum being ignored and rejected by her own husband every day. It's very damaging to a young girls self esteem and it's a terrible terrible model for her future relationships. What I'm writing might sound extreme and reactionary to some but I know what I'm talking about. Sorry but my dad was OK with me when I was a baby too but as I got older he treated m the same way he treated my mum... As "less than", inferior, nothing and worthless. Don't wait to find out if this emotionally retarded swine of a parter does the same, because it will destroy and damage your daughters self image for life. She will wonder "why dosent my dad love my mummy? , why don't my parents act like other mummies and daddies? Why won't my dad speak to my mum?" trust me these things are VERY confusing for a little kid and will scar them for life. I was that girl, please don't let there be another. I have been through enough pain due to the way my dad treated my mum and then treated me the same in the end, it's messed up my choices in men too such as I pick emotional retards who are really cavemen and treat me badly... Please don't give your daughter the same damaging "education on life".

I want to apologise for calling you significant other a swine and a pig. Its just people treating each other this way makes me so mad. I don't know him, or the issues he's faced in life. I do think that porn is cheating though. Sorry to be so direct. Sorry to accuse him if cheating but I refuse to believe he's been voluntary celebrate for 6.5 years. I'm saying these things to make you wake up and realise how bad things are so you and your beautiful daughter can escape any further harm, that's all. It's better to face the truth than run from it. Now I may be wrong and maybe he hasn't cheated but it sounds like he dosent value you, and you are a beautiful strong woman of high value who deserves SO MUCH more than what this man is giving you. He's ungrateful and entitled by the sounds of it. That's why I think you should make moves to leave. I know it's not easy and it may take a while but start by telling him your sick of being treated like a non person and eventually you will find your own place. It may take 2 years if you have a young daughter but it's worth every second to reclaim your self worth, it sounds like this man has destroyed that.

Trust me, my situation isn't a million miles away from your own... I split up from my DDs dad when 7 months pregnant due to him assaulting me, but he too used to say lovely things to me. Turns out he was sleeping with prostitutes and using my money to buy crack cocaine for them! The moral if the story is.... Actions speak louder than words.