Reality of split hitting home

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

Have NC for this, have had threads previously when trying to make up my mind.

Have been with DP for 15 years; met after I had divorced my 1st husband. With hindsight, I think he saw me coming & was on his best behaviour until I moved in with him, to another city & away from family/friends.

Then the shittiness started - being lazy round the house, lack of interest in sex. At 35, after 5 years together, I issued an ultimatum as he was dragging his feet about commitment & wanted a baby.

So we agreed to go forward & I got pregnant. What I didn't realise at the time was that he was having a "fling" (as he calls it). He won't tell me who she was & doesn't know why he did it. I had suspected at the time & he denied it. I would have left if I had known.

After having DC, he started working long hours/away, leaving me to juggle everything at home. With no family support, I was struggling to work, look after DC & do all the domestic stuff, as he never contributed. I was angry of course.

Then he developed depression & was off work for a long time, eventually losing his job. The financial strain was enormous. Again, he did not pull his weight at home.

We have not had sex in 7 years - he blames depression/medication but for me it's resentment.

So I told him a few weeks ago that I could not continue or see a way forward.

But the reality is horrific. I've seen an IFA/lawyer & cannot stay in the house, so will have to move.

The DC will have to move schools/towns.

I need to increase my income so need to change job & am finding it really hard to get something else as I work in a small profession. Many of the posts are temporary & won't go for a mortgage.

I want to move back nearer family & friends, but DP doesn't want to separate.

It's just a mess & I feel so overwhelmed & am not thinking straight.

The primary decision you need to make is whether you want to leave him. Do you ?

If the answer is yes, then take stock of what you will have to start to rebuild your financial life and career. Adjust your aspirations and make some life plans. At the moment you are only seeing the losses and negative aspects of a split.

I don’t know your exact circumstances are, but I am guessing from the post you will leave with

• some equity
• a job, whether you choose to keep it is another thing
• a career
• time, during which you child will become less dependent and which you can use to rebuild your finances.
• access to child support and welfare.
• freedom to make a secure and loving home (albeit unmortgaged) for your child, which you cannot do at the moment.

This is a far cry from walking away with a bag of clothes and a few quid in your pocket.

If he saw you coming 15 years ago, he’s still seeing you coming. But really why are you walking towards someone. Stop, stand by yourself and choose your direction to your future. One that might be harder work but which you control.

You can move back home and you can separate

What is he doing apart from saying he doesn’t want to separate

Thanks for the replies; I'm not seeing the wood for the trees at the moment.

I can't move home unless I get a job over there (which I am trying to do) but the jobs are temporary & I won't be able to get a mortgage.

At the moment I can borrow 60k - even with the equity I have in the house, I can't stay here & will have to move nearer my existing work, where I know no-one. Or else the city's worst school catchment.

What is he doing? Well, he has started doing more round the house, which sticks in my throat as I've been asking him for over 10 years to pull his weight.

He wants to go for counselling. I've said I'm willing to go, but the atmosphere at home is awful. We're just avoiding each other & it's always me who is trying to open up the communication.

@LemonTT - I know I'll be ok in the long-term, it's just trying to navigate this split, with so much uncertainty that I'm really struggling with.

If I could have bought him out the house, or managed to get a f/t permanent job in my home town it would be much easier.

And I'm dreading the impact on DC, moving them away from all they are familiar with. My oldest particularly is a daddy's boy.

But at the same time I can't stay in a dysfunctional relationship....