Make up after separation?

[user1471238641]

After some advice....

I have had an intense period of stress, through setting up a business and other projects. This has kept me away from my family, sometimes seven days a week. Whilst at home I have not been engaged and have been tired. I believed that I was doing the right thing, but can clearly now see my priorities were wrong.

During this time I have been quite miserable at home, mainly as I haven’t seen the kids and work a stupid amount of hours some days. I have not been fun to live with, and have spoken to my wife unkindly a large number of times. I have said things that I have not meant when we have argued and have generally not been myself. I have not been helping with the kids or house, which put a lot of pressure on my wife too. I have been quite self absorbed, isolated and in a bad place. I didn’t realise.

We recently had a large argument and my wife has said things are over. This hit me and I could see where I had gone wrong. I have thought a lot about the mistakes I have made and I have apologised and accepted that my priorities have been wrong and I have also apologised for speaking badly to her which I deeply regret. I have started doing all the housework and putting effort back into helping with the kids. I have also suggested we try days out again, but it seems too late.

I have acknowledged that I have got angry and very stressed many times and I am now booked in for help with this.

I really don’t want to loose my wife, as I love her very much and am after any further advice about what I can do to improve this situation.

Maybe ask your wife how you can gain her trust back.
I know that you are trying with the children, house work and days out, but you must be consistent and put your words into actions.

You need to have a good talk and say that you know you neglected her and the children and was a general misery with all the stress you had, but you want to change and make it upto her and Dc's.
Good luck.

Helping with housework and kids is great - but what about her ?
Maybe some effort/ time with her would help more.

It seems your wife has had quite a miserable life for quite some time. I imagine any trust or faith she had in you is shattered, especially given the fact that you have been verbally and emotionally abusive to her. I fear this may be a case of too little, too late. If the marriage can be saved, it's going to take massive and PERMANENT change. If she is set on ending the marriage, I hope you give her the courtesy of doing so amicably and with respect.

Just wondering how long you've been married. How long have you been working on the business and other projects? Were you actually separated as in you moved out?

Is anyone else involved, or did either of you see other people during the separation. Has your wife suggested marriage counselling?

Are you separated now or are you still together?

You're doing all the right thing at home but what about her?

Write her a letter similar to what you've written here. Take her breakfast in bed this morning and let her read the letter while you get up with the kids (if they're young) and keep them occupied so she can rest.
Take them to the park and buy her some flowers on the way home.

She might still not want to be with you. She might still love you and just be at breaking point. You have to be prepared for both.

Just tell her what you’ve written here. Also marriage councelling

Do NOT take her breafkast in bed, jesus. Or flowers. It's just more shit she has to clean up, not to mention being a total cliche.

This is very sad. I'm sorry for both of you.
I do wonder how long it took her to have enough and if she hadn't said anything how long this would have continued with no change.

You sound very self-aware for someone who was abruptly shown the truth. On some level you must have known how awful you were being. It is brave of you now to take responsibility and want to change, but and I say this kindly, because of the complete overnight overhaul she will be incredibly cynical. Deservedly so. Especially because chances are nothing would've changed without her changing it.

To make her realise this is a permanent change will take a lot of work, but you know this.

On the other hand she is perfectly within her rights to not give you that.
You clearly want your family I hope for your sake she is willing to go to counselling. It'll be painful but a learning experience. I think there is a way back from this. Good luck!

Thanks for your responses.

We are living in the same house still and no one else is involved.

I ave tried talking almost every day, but it is not getting anywhere and I can not really get the conversation started.

I have tried to make lots of hot drinks, bought chocolate bars which she enjoys and made really nice food. I have also given space and time out for a couple of coffees etc. I will try anything.

If anyone has any other suggestions, please share. Desperate to find a way forward.

Just keep doing what youre doing. Show her the man she fell in love with, the one she cant live without. Be consistent, be attentive but dont drown her. A letter is a good way of putting all your thoughts and feelings out there to her. You can take your time and really express everything you need her to know (rather than talkinb face to face and chocking and forgettin all your strong points) Try to take her load off. Make her laugh. Compliment her and thank her for what she does (without sounding twatish or like youre tryin too hard) Even if you have to fake it till you make it, try to be that man that gave her butterflies and dont feel discouraged if she doesnt respond straight away. If youre living together... you have quite a bit of room to make things better. Patience. Its not gonna get fixed straight away but not all is lost. And worst ways if all was lost... you'll know you did your best. Rooting for you...

I also think a letter is the way to go.

How long were you dis-engaged from your wife?
How long was she carry the load alone?
Over what period were you abusive in how you spoke to her?

The length of time is important.

If this has been going on for an extended time, she maybe now no longer in love with you.

Unfortunately love needs nurturing and it sounds as if you wife has self respect and has decided life will be better for her if she doesn't have your negative presence in her life.

I think you need to write her a letter, spelling out your deep regret and asking her is there any way forward.

If she says No, I think you need to accept this and treat your wife with respect.

Show her that you do respect her, the mother of your children and can accept and own your part in your marriages disintegration.

Perhaps through showing her that you have changed you may thaw her distaste for you.

Good luck.

I have tried to make lots of hot drinks, bought chocolate bars which she enjoys and made really nice food. I have also given space and time out for a couple of coffees etc. I will try anything.

You have GOT to be having a laugh. ALL of your "strategies" involve food/drink?!

Shoulda, coulda, woulda.... didn't. At least not until she told you to fuck off out of her life.

When she tried to talk to you, you ignored her, and your DC. When she cried, you ignored her. When she got upset and angry you called her names and spoke horribly to her.

You had chance, upon chance, upon chance. And you put yourself first EACH AND EVERY TIME!

And now you're going to lose her and you're finally upset and willing to change. Except it's because once again you're putting yourself first. YOU don't want to lose her.

Boo hoo.

Take it as a lesson, and try not to fuck up your relationship with your DC the same as you've fucked your marriage up.

@HypatiaCade

Harsh......but bang on the money I'm afraid.

OP, focus on as advised above, on trying not to lose your children, because it sounds as if they have been living in a very miserable, stressful house.

They won't forget this, believe me.

You could do worse that sit down with your children and apologize to them.

Parents fxxk up. It is very good lesson to show them that you can take responsibility and accept you were wrong.

I have apologized on occasion when I have been in the wrong.

Hi All, thanks for your responses. We are all still living together and getting on ok.

I am still desperate to save the marriage but will have to see what happens.

Still helping round house, being kind etc and doing anything I can.

Also getting professional help with stress which is working well.

I have tried the letter and unfortunately it has not been opened.

Thanks again for all your replies.

Unfortunately, every time you disrespected her, a little bit of love for you ebbed away.
And you did it for so long that all the love has probably gone from her now.
She has also lost all trust in you and any respect she might have had for you.
That is not something that comes back easily.
It takes years to build back up again.

as I love her very much
Really? Because you do not treat the people you love and respect they way you have treated your family.

Give her space - lots and lots of space.
Time out for a couple of coffee's is simply not enough!
She needs some proper quality time alone to get some headspace away from you.

Appreciate you are doing what you can now!!!
But it may just well be too little too late!
That's something you will need accept as and when it happens.
Don't disrespect her further by pushing too much and expecting her forgiveness after such awful behaviour.

OP there are consequences to your actions. Sometimes it really is too late.

My ex did what you're doing when I finally snapped after years of abuse. I knew it was just him trying to avoid any change to his life. It was very sad and I still loved him, but I could no longer give him chance after chance, there were little children involved and I had to put them before him.

He also would say he loved me so much etc but the cold hard truth is that he still treated me badly despite that. He ONLY changed once he had eroded all my love and hope with his behaviour.

If that's love, it's not worth it for me. Love isnt enough and your wife probably knows that.

Keep up the counselling and do what you feel is right, but dont delude yourself that you can erase your awful behavior if you just stick the boxes for a bit. The pain of emotional abuse doesnt go away, it changes you and takes away your hope. She may never regain any love for you and you can't blame her for that - you did this, not her.

I know things may not work out, but I live in hope. I need to keep trying.

We haven’t communicated as a couple for the last 3-6 months which has been very difficult.

I will keep trying my best.

It is not "helping" with housework or childcare. Those are your responsibilities that for a not insignificant length of time you shirked.

Stop referring to it as "helping" like housework and childcare are your wife's sole responsibility and you're doing her some kind of special favour. They are your jobs to do.

It reflects extremely poorly on you that you couldn't be bothered to pull your weight before and left your wife to pick up your slack, and are now painting yourself as somehow generous for starting to pull your weight.

Buying chocolate does not compensate for such gross disrespect as you have displayed and continue to display.

I haven’t been able to do stuff around the house due to work. I agree that was wrong and I have massively cut that down.

I am now trying to do 90% plus of stuff at home as I can see it was wrong I haven’t done it for a long time. I accept its my responsibility to do this. Things had got horribly out of balance.

You sound truly sorry for your behaviour and that counts for something whether it works out or not. Good on you for trying to make it right, I hope it works out for you.

Still trying to work on things and improve. Had a good Christmas and hoping things get better in the new year and we maybe able to talk things through.