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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He asked what I thought

6 replies

Claire926 · 15/11/2019 21:26

I went on a date with a new guy last week (not the same person my recent thread was about). When I met him I thought he was nice looking but I didn't feel this 'spark' everyone keeps going on about. I enjoyed his conversation and felt we had a lot in common. He asked to meet again at the end and I said yes.

In the past when I have gone by looks it never works as it impairs my judgement and in the end the truth shows that some of these men are not compatible. This guy text me tonight asking what I thought after the first date. I told him thought he was good company and easy to talk to with common ground but cannot know someone after one date.

He said it makes a change to hear that and women always decide from the first date which must mean they don't want to see him again. He said he doesn't know after one date if he can decide if the illusive spark is there.

I replied and said that some people have unrealistic expectations and that sparks are not always instant and can impair judgement. I also said it is a bit like when you first become friends or start a job, you give it a chance and in time know if it is right for you. I am waiting for his reply.

I personally feel a second date is needed to determine whether to go further. From past experiences I have fallen for friends vice versa after spending a lot of time with them. Why are people obsessed with the spark? I feel people refer to the spark as sexual attraction. I understand you need to feel good with them but it seems people are being written off before being given a chance.

OP posts:
Obviouslynotobvious · 15/11/2019 21:30

I have both felt a spark and also more of a slow burn and had brilliant chemistry and good relationships from both.

So I think that you're right and people might feel a spark over time etc. I do think you need a spark though, but it doesn't have to be instant at all.

I wonder what the research says about whether "sparks" impact on compatibility or longevity etc?

TooManyGlasses · 15/11/2019 21:32

I agree. When I met my DH it was more of a slow burn for me. Apparently he fell for me quickly, so he kept trying, and after a few weeks (it was long-distance so it could’ve been quicker otherwise) I fell for him too.
Keep seeing him, and if nothing else you may gain a really good friend!

Ohyesiam · 15/11/2019 21:33

That sounds great for you, but I always know immediately if i I click with someone or not ( friend or lover).

It may sound like I’m writing people off unnecessarily, but Im just a really good judge of character, and it’s obvious to me.
So yes I do write lots of people off, but not in a judgemental way, I just know what I know.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2019 21:36

Is the first date not giving them a chance though? How much of a chance do people need before you're just wasting their Time?

The spark is fancying them, enjoying time with them, keen to spend more time with them. If any of these things are totally missing, it's unlikely the relationship will work out. Friendship, maybe, but that's all. Unless you decide to settle.

TooManyGlasses · 15/11/2019 21:37

Also I wasn’t sexually attracted to my DH at first, but that came about the better I got to know him. I do think the “spark” is a euphemism for that. If everyone expected instant sexual attraction it would only be super-attractive people who ever got into relationships. People often move from platonic friendship into a “relationship” after years.

Claire926 · 21/11/2019 19:42

I have noticed this guy is on WhatsApp but ignoring my messages. I really didn't feel much spark and neither did he. I think we are just messaging out of politeness, plus he lives too far away. Should I just say I don't think we are right for each other and good luck in your search?

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