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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sister introducing nephew to new bf

23 replies

Smumto2 · 15/11/2019 17:25

I am worried about how my sister is going about her new relationship with bf with regards to my nephew and how it may affect him emotionally if it doesn't work out.

5 weeks into the relationship and she invites the new bf to not only meet her 4 year old son, but to put the tree up and for him to sleep over the night?! I am in complete shock and think it is selfish on her part for doing so.

Thoughts please? thank you xx

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 15/11/2019 17:26

It’s not how I would do it. Do you have the sort of relationship where she might listen to concerns from you?

Original poster

Smumto2 · 15/11/2019 22:18

We have a close relationship, however she does not like any opinion that isn't the same to hers. When I told her my concerns she pushed them aside and said that she knows the new bf is 'the 1' so has no reason to wait before introducing him to her son

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readitandwept · 15/11/2019 22:21

to put the tree up

Your sister is a fool.

category12 · 15/11/2019 22:21

Well, you've said your piece - there's nothing you can do. It's point falling out with her over it. She will make her own poor decisions.

Original poster

Smumto2 · 15/11/2019 23:00

True, I just really hope my nephew doesn't get too upset if things don't work out. He is such a sensitive soul and his daddy has only been not living at the home since march when they spilt and still wishes that he lived there

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Elieza · 15/11/2019 23:07

Your sister is a selfish individual who is putting her own happiness ahead of her sons. She’s a dick. Poor wee laddie.

Original poster

Smumto2 · 15/11/2019 23:19

I said to my sister that I feel she is acting very selfish and she thinks I am putting her down. Which I am not. She believes my nephew is emotional ready to have met the boyfriend, to wake up to have him there the next morning.. I think it's crazy and she is living in her own little bubble

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Jane1978xx · 15/11/2019 23:35

From friends they’ve said at least 4/5 months before even meeting casually for tea or something. It’s just seems too much

Original poster

Smumto2 · 15/11/2019 23:57

I agree, and so does my mum.. seems all too much too soon. If 5-6 months down the line they decided all to meet in a neutral place such as a cafe then we would be less concerned. They have already said they love each other and spoke about moving in next summer (I can see it being by January the rate things are going)

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RantyAnty · 16/11/2019 00:34

Maybe you could ask her what the rush is? If he's truly the "one", he'll still be there 6 months from now.

fanny gallops doesn't equal true love

Original poster

Smumto2 · 16/11/2019 08:34

RantyAnty.. I said exactly that (Well the 1st part) and she avoided the question. Instead saying she knows her own son a d he was ready to meet new bf

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PurpleDaisies · 16/11/2019 08:47

I don’t think there’s much you can do about it. She knows what you think. You’ve done your best.

It isn’t worth having a huge falling out over something you can’t change.

Elieza · 16/11/2019 09:02

Perhaps the wee dude could do sleepovers at yours and his grans more so your horny sister could see her bf and he wouldn’t have to see him as much? I hope to god he doesn’t get introduced as a bf. That could really upset the wee boy. “A friend” might be better as long as she restrains herself from kissing himself etc in front of her son and giving the game away.

What does she think will happen in the morning? Mum and stranger will wake up in her bed and little son wanders in thinking what’s happening here. Such a shame.

Tell her that introducing them too soon could backfire if he dislikes the man. Much better to do it slowly. “This is too important to you to rush. I know how important this is to you and how you want it to work but rushing in can backfire and you can have a do-over. You have to get it right first time as this is the rest of your lives”.

We know it’s not. We know it’s a fleeting rebound romance but perhaps if you package it up like you respect her choices then it won’t feel like you are criticising her. Tell her you want to help her get it right so they can be a family. Hope to god she doesn’t try anything stupid over Christmas. Sigh. Have you met the guy yet?
Does she have low self esteem? Sometimes we rush into relationships as we think we will never meet anyone else and this mans not too bad so we’ll just give it 100% with him as he’s better than nothing and I’ve been so upset over my ex and I’m lonely blah blah. We don’t see it ourselves at the time. I didn’t anyway. Ended up with wrong guys. Not now. More self assured and picky!

Harriett123 · 16/11/2019 09:20

Far too early when I first met my stepson it was for a "fun day out with my friend" after dating his dad for 3 months and even I was worried that we were rushing it.
On the other end his mother was living with her new man 2 months into the relationship and calling him daddy. And pregnant a couple months later. DSS refers to stepdad as mean and I'm pretty sure shes trapped in a domestic abuse relationship. These things can backfire but unfortunetly theres nothing you can do.

Original poster

Smumto2 · 16/11/2019 14:00

Unfortunatley my nephew lives 4 hours away, so I am only able to visit when my partner can drive me there. My nephew sleeps over his dads a few times a week, so my sister has enough time for naughties with her new man..but seems like she wants her cake and eat it.

She has planned for new bf to sleep over xmas eve and have christmas dinner with her and my nephew.

My sister does have low self-esteem and hated being single for a few months and was looking straight away for a new man.

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allthesharks · 16/11/2019 14:21

It seems as though she's trying to fill the role that her ex used to play for herself, but also for her son. I agree that it's far too soon in the relationship for her to be introducing the new boyfriend, let alone having him spend the night. I waited 5 months before I introduced my partner to my children, and even then I did it very gradually, and I hope sensitively. He didn't stay the night while they were there until a few months after that when he had got to know them better. It was their home and they needed to feel comfortable there.

All I can suggest is that you try to reassure your nephew of your presence in his life, and if others in his life can do the same then he can feel secure in the knowledge that some people will always be there, even if others may come and go.

My XH has introduced lots of "friends" to my children and then suddenly they disappear without explanation and it's confusing for them. I can't control that but I can reassure them that I will always be there, without commenting on those who have left.

Original poster

Smumto2 · 16/11/2019 15:00

Your right allthesharks.. I will definatley reassure him that I will always be there. I love him so much and don't want him caught up in it all if things fizzle out for them. All I can do is be there for my nephew as much as possible.

Thank you to everyone who has commented, I really appreciate it x

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summerset · 16/11/2019 15:20

I have been seeing the same guy for 8 months and still feel it's too soon to introduce him to my DS (who is 2).

Original poster

Smumto2 · 16/11/2019 17:05

I am glad I am not the only one who thinks it's too soon. I think she knows it's too soon deep down, as she normally overshares on facebook but hasn't put the Christmas tree pics up with her son and new bf as she knows what her friends reactions would be. Yet she plans a few hours out with her son and his dad today and puts loads of pics up saying... Remember always put your children 1st.. Bloody joke!

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SimonJT · 16/11/2019 17:11

I do think it is a bit soon, I met my boyfriend at the start of April, my son (4) has now met him a few times and we waited six months for the first meeting. So still very early days, and still short meets with only one happening at home. No sleep overs yet. Five weeks is very very soon.

Also, who puts their tree up in November?!

Bluerussian · 16/11/2019 17:30

I think it is a bit much so early on the relationship - in a few weeks it could be all over. Your sister would be more sensible to just introduce him as a friend, not someone who stays over and shares Christmas.
Most people would wait at least six months before even introducing. How old is your nephew?

You've said your piece Smum2, and now have to leave it to your sister to decide what to do. It may all work out well, we just don't know.

Original poster

Smumto2 · 16/11/2019 17:40

My nephew is 4. I agree nothing more I can do, I need to try and let it go..being a born worrier doesn't help lol x

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Original poster

Smumto2 · 02/12/2019 03:36

He is moving in within the next month or so and they are trying for a baby

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