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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friendships and the crap we put up with

23 replies

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 15/11/2019 08:52

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about friendships.

Having been massively let down by so-called friends in the past and also having teenage daughters and hearing about the game-play and hierarchy that can occur amongst some groups of friends (thankfully not their friends but cliques at school) - it’s made me realise just how abusive some friendships can actually be.

Why in Earth do these friends think it’s acceptable and why do we put up with it??

OP posts:
AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 15/11/2019 09:14

And I’ve not even mentioned all the nonsense that can go on at the school gate.

I suppose I’m wondering why we’re not more aware of the game-play and one-up-man-ship that can occur. Why people get away with it. If we were then they prob wouldn’t dare behave that way in the first place.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/11/2019 09:19

My friends aren't abusive so there is nothing for me to put up with. If your friends are end the friendships.

MondeoFan · 15/11/2019 09:25

I am yet to find a decent friend, I had a lot of friends about 15 years ago but I realise now they were just aquaintances. I find most people are users and use you for what they can get out of you e.g friends that don't drive always asking for lifts etc
I was in a real bad place about 5 years ago and only 1 friend there for me, 1 stopped talking to me completely and others drifted away.
I too have a teenage daughter that comes home upset as she's in a group of 4/5 girls and they say to her sometimes me and blah blah need a conversation in private so can you go away!

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 15/11/2019 09:39

Bluntness often the abuse can catch you unaware as it doesn’t rear its ugly head for a long long time. If a new friend behaved that way everyone would go running.

OP posts:
AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 15/11/2019 09:48

Mondeo - I am always giving lifts to someone who can drive but not a confident driver, 40 mins out of my way never with any offer to cover fuel costs etc. I didn’t mind as I felt it was the kind thing to do as I knew she found it difficult etc. Then DD spotted her DRIVING past the end of our road Shock. It was me that was taken for the ride!

OP posts:
Boysnme · 15/11/2019 10:55

I used to think I had a wide circle of friends but over the years have realised that I have lots of acquaintances and only 2 that I would class as true friends. It’s been eye opening to realise this but has let me start to slowly withdraw from those one sided friendships.

Honeybee85 · 15/11/2019 11:21

In the past there were many people I called friends.

As I grew older I realised how superficial some relationships are and how many people are not there when you need them and are only after their own gain. Now I only have 4 friends and a lot of acquintances.

Snog · 15/11/2019 11:25

I think the problem is that we don't educate about emotionally healthy relationships. If you are lucky enough to have parents who model this you probably don't need help but for those of us whose parents don't model this behaviour it can be really difficult.

ChristmasFluff · 15/11/2019 11:29

The abuse and smear campaign I went through with the abusive ex really showed me who was my friend and who was a user. I now only have real friends.

The rest I nip in the bud or keep at arm's length as acquaintances. You can tell them because they always do an early boundary-push. They don't want to waste their time faking friendship with someone like me or Bluntness who won't stand for their crap.

That is why you feel they were nice at first - you missed the boundary-push. The slightly-too-imposing-for-someone-you-barely-know request. The type of thing that you see people advising every day on Mumsnet, to be 'nice' - 'just take their child every week, it's the nice thing to do', 'just let her have the money if you can afford it', 'just babysit this once, she's desperate', 'oh, he's probably depressed/autistic/ADHD - give him a chance'. Not every poster, but I bet these are the same people who are troubled by these user friends.

If you are unclear whether something is a boundary-push (and it's easy when you are used to it - it's a discomfort feeling) - say yes, and immediately ask for a reciprocal favour - 'oh, yes, I'll run you to the station an hour away, that's really good because I needed someone to take me to the airport next week - can you do that?' You'll find the favour is not forthcoming on their side even if they do agree.

To be clear - I will go the extra mile for my real friends. But acquaintances? Only if it suits me and only if the request is proportionate.

When your life isn't full of users, then there is room for the genuine people to be in it.

Geogaddi · 15/11/2019 12:18

Oh god tell me about it. I've been having issues with one particular friend for about 3-4 years now, being treated appallingly. for some weird reason i find it really difficult to compleltey cut ties, i've been backing off like hell which i think is causing a lot of the moods and bullying. It's been eating me up every day for months now.

People just need to be more honest with each other right? if you're pissed off wth someone for god sake mention it and don't start behaving like a bitch to punish that person for something they dont even know they've done wrong. ERGH!!! Sending virtual hugs on that one.

MondeoFan · 15/11/2019 12:34

@snog I agree with you here. My parents never had any friends growing up they just did everything together or with other family members so it wasn't normal for them to have friends over etc
So I didn't have any example to follow e.g my dad popping to the pub with friends for a drink or my mum going to yoga with friends etc it just didn't happen

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 15/11/2019 13:34

I think the problem is that we don't educate about emotionally healthy relationships.

Totally agree with this, it should be on the curriculum, if it’s not already, healthy friendships not just romantic relationships.

All my childhood friendships were great so I think I was totally unprepared for dealing with this crap in adulthood.

OP posts:
AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 15/11/2019 13:39

ChristmasFluff Thank you, such good advice re. the boundary push and the uncomfortable feeling. It could also be a bad feeling about their behaviour towards others, not just yourself.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/11/2019 13:41

Why in Earth do these friends think it’s acceptable and why do we put up with it??
Because others put up with it.
If we all just left toxic or abusive or just plain crappy friendships, then the horrid people wouldn't have any friends.
Fact is, people feel obligated and stay friends with people that are not worthy.
I've no experience of this though so probably just making shit up.
My friends are wonderful.
I don't have many but we are always there for each other.
Make huge efforts for each other.
Look out for each other.
If it was any other way then they just wouldn't be my friend.

AutumnRose1 · 15/11/2019 13:43

I’d say I have a tiny number of friends but several acquaintances

I learned to be very careful about doing favours after having accident, injury etc It can be surprising who really wants to help and who doesn’t.

Friendships are relationships like any other. You have to ask yourself - is it worth the hard work?

Potnoodledoo · 15/11/2019 15:55

@ChristmasFluff that list is spot on.Also i find that people who tell you personal information too soon in to a friendship.Thats a big flag to me.

But i dont have any friends because i refused to put up with crap.I got a backbone and they didnt like it.

ISawyouinTescoyesterday · 15/11/2019 20:42

I thought I had a good friend, then met her other 'good friend' who was really off with me. She must have been really negative about me for this other friend to be like it twice. She just acted like I wasn't there.
You eventually learn that not even your close friends are what you thought they were.

isabellerossignol · 15/11/2019 20:49

I thought I had a good friend, then met her other 'good friend' who was really off with me. She must have been really negative about me for this other friend to be like it twice. She just acted like I wasn't there.

Maybe it's the opposite? Your actual friend has always been really nice about you and her other friend was jealous, hence the treating you terribly.

redexpat · 15/11/2019 21:09

I think the problem is that we don't educate about emotionally healthy relationships. If you are lucky enough to have parents who model this you probably don't need help but for those of us whose parents don't model this behaviour it can be really difficult. This in spades!

People dont seem to understand the difference between aquaintances and friends. Ive become v transactional so I will happily do a favour for someone, but I wont do anytjing else for them before theyve returned the favour.

ISawyouinTescoyesterday · 15/11/2019 21:49

@Isabella yes I actually did not think that at all. Perhaps you're right.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 15/11/2019 22:57

I’m feeling a bit disappointed with my friends at the moment. They’ve been really clicky and mean about another lady in our friendship group. Fortunately she doesn’t know about it but I do and I’m really sad for them all. We’re meant to be going away together. I really don’t feel like going now.

AutumnRose1 · 16/11/2019 09:48

Friendships seem to get into problems when there’s a group involved. Mine are 1:1 friends, so to speak.

ForalltheSaints · 16/11/2019 10:21

I wonder if often the thought of not having any or even many friends mean that people put up with things they really should not do?

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