My husband doesn't feel loved

[Soxy2154]

My husband sat down with me yesterday and told me how unhappy he is at the moment & how he feels we are in different stages within our marriage.
He said he feels unloved and alienated from myself and that things have to change or he wants a divorce.
I was so angry I told him if he wasn't happy being with me then he can go & find somewhere else to live.
Our Son passed away a few months ago & i'll be the first to admit my time has been taken up with grief and sorrow, I haven't been the best person to be around & I feel very depressed but I would have thought he'd understand this.
We haven't had sex since my son died and quite honestly I don't feel like it, I am trying to support my husband and daughter but struggle to keep my head above water at the moment.
I was looking online and apparently it's quite common for marriages to break down when parents loose a child suddenly, the way I feel at the moment he could quite happily walk away & then that would be one less problem to deal with.

Condolences to you. I can’t imagine what you must be going through.

I think emotions are likely to be all over the place for everyone at the moment.

I don’t know what advice to give in this situation. It’s a difficult subject. Perhaps only counselling will get you both back on track but that’s if you want to get to that place.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Oh poor you. It's not fair for him to dump this on you when you're grieving. No advice sorry but hope you get through it

You poor, poor things. Both of you. Nobody should see their child die before them. A few months is but moments with that level of grief. The pain for you both must be so intense.
I think you’re not so much at different point scoring in your marriage but grieving in different ways and grieving separately. I would think decisions at the moment are unwise.
Have you support for your bereavement? Could you go to a bereavement support service together?
Could you talk to each other about your grief? Anger is a normal stage of grief - in the long term its good but it’s not a good idea to turn it on each other. You are both hurting beyond measure.
Could you do something together in memory of your son? Planting a tree, going back to a place with happy memories of him, fundraising for a related cause?
Christmas is going to be tough. Can you plan something for his memory? MIght be well outside your comfort zone but going to a beautiful church and lighting a candle helps some.
Men particularly are expected to be ‘over it’ and back to normal so quickly. It’s s such early days. Be kind to each other.

I’m so so sorry for your loss. How old was your son? Tell us about him. We’re all here for you. Grief after losing a child (I know personally) is like a tornado ripping through your life. Have you got any support? Are you seeing a counsellor or going to a support group?

I think we are probably grieving in different ways, my husband try's to put on a brave face and "get on with it" as where I can't bear this life anymore, my life is so full of pain, heartache, despair and desperation to have my old life back.
I have recently started seeing a bereavement councillor and I hope this helps in time.
I can't stand feeling the way I do anymore I just sit here and try to figure out how a healthy 17 year old boy can die so quickly??? why does it have to be us? ooo I don't know i am so tired

I'm so so sorry for your loss OP.

Please don't make any major life decision right now. Your DH might be a complete cock, or he might just be doing his best. Don't do anything right now that you might regret.

So sorry about your son You are right though. You are at different points of grieving and handling the grief in different ways.
Your husband needs to understand this and give you more time and support you through it not give you ultimatums. It’s only been a few months.

It’s good that you are seeing a bereavement counsellor but are you and your husband talking about it? I agree a lot with what @CherryPavlova has said. Joint bereavement sessions may be the way forward if your husband would consider it.

You’re both grieving OP..... seems like in your grief you’ve turned inwards and his is different. Perhaps he’s looked to you and not found you there. Or perhaps getting a divorce is his idea of trying to run away from feelings that are too overwhelming. None of us really knows how we would handle a horrific situation like this ( just thinking about it is bad enough) but I can see how easily it would be to divorce because you are so consumed with grief that it’s not possible to see beyond it. I would try and maintain the status quo for the time if you can - decide nothing , agree to nothing and see how the land lies in 6 months. Maybe you’ll still separate for good although much less likely to be a knee jerk response.

Oh you poor loves. Many heartfelt condolences to you.

You must feel like your heart is splitting into a million pieces.

I agree with joint counselling and I suggest separate counselling for both of you actually. You are going to need each other, to support each other through the stages of grief.

You feel completely shut off from life and don't want it to continue, your husband probably feels his grief too but like you say he tries to put on a brave face.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

That's the grief process and you may not reach them in that order. Sounds like your OH is at Denial and is instead, placing the problems at your relationship. So instead of saying he is upset at your son's passing, he is instead transferring and projecting that unhappiness onto your relationship.

I wish I could say it will get better. I wish I could say when. But I can't. All you can do is learn to get through the days.
Please don't bottle up or deny your feelings - it will only come out some other way.

Finally, I'm still not sure on my own beliefs about afterlife and such, but I have always liked to believe that the people will lose sometimes check in and watch over us. I like to think that because you carry a piece of them in your heart, they are always with you. You will never forget your son and he will always, always be with you.

I'm going to be honest with you here: the whole 'stages of grief' simply do not apply to child bereavement. It is a bereavement unlike any other. It's the life they didn't get to lead as well as their death you grieve. That just never goes away. And you are VERY VERY early into this life that is life after child loss. No amount of counselling can help with that early grief, it is truly akin to a grenade going off in your heart and your very soul.

Yes, a lot of marriages break down afterwards. Many do. Mine did.

And personally, you really do need to focus on you just now because it is so very difficult just to stay alive in the first year or two after your child dies. VERY hard.

He's facing this a different way (sadly IME a lot of men cheat during this time) but you both have to get through it however you can.

Continue with your grief counselling but I'm afraid your h is wrong to pressure you just now and that if he needs space he needs space.

I won't blow sunshine up your arse and tell you it will all be better one day, but it will get different, it will be less raw and the pain grows easier to cope with and categorise.

Thank you all for your kind comments & friendly advice.
Both myself & my husband have agreed not to make any hasty decisions at the moment & to try & talk a bit more about our grief and see where the land lies in a few months.
I really am so devastated over our loss that I just need to try & get through each day as it comes.
I've just had a friend pop around for a chat and coffee and she said I know how your feeling we had to have Milo put to sleep yesterday & I can't stop crying, how I didn't smack her one right in the face I do not know. How can any human being compare a dog dying to a child??? I am sure she didn't mean it to sounds as bad as it did but I just wish people would think about things before they open their mouths sometimes.
On a positive i've managed to have a shower today and clean the house up, most days I really don't have the energy for anything so I am proud of myself for doing this much.
I have a meeting at work tomorrow to discuss ways they can help me to return to work, I couldn't even bear the thought of working at the moment but i'll attend anyway.
I really am thankful for the support on mumsnet, although I have a very supportive family and lots of friends it's nice sometimes to just post on here and let it all out to people I don't know personally (although sometimes I feel pathetic for writing such doom & gloom comments)

how is your DD dealing with what has happened?

I honestly cannot imagine what you are going through OP.
I lost my little sister last year and it's 18+ months on and I'm still in denial phase.
I cannot imagine how I would feel losing my DD.

You do things at your own pace OP.
Grieving takes years. And I imagine when it's a child, it's 1,000 times harder to come to terms with.
You write as much doom and gloom as you like.
It may help a bit to get it out there in black and white.
Your DH should be there for YOU right now. Not throwing this shit at you as well.
I'm am so so sorry for your loss OP.
My heart is breaking for you. Big (((((HUGS)))))

Don't feel pathetic OP, if it helps to reach out on here, go for it, it's part of the reason MN exists!

I can't imagine the pain you are going through and you're right, your friend's comment was well intended but inappropriate. I can imagine it must be hard not to scream at these comments!

I really don't have any words of wisdom other than trying to be be patient with each other's grief. Sometimes your partners grief makes your own grief so much harder to deal with but trying to accept you're both trying to deal with the hardest thing in the world and all the hell that comes with that, might just help you ease up on yourselves.

Anytime you want to come here to scream or just talk, please do, we'll be here xxx

Thank you @hellsbellsmelons & @Littleidyll X

she worries about me and her dad
I can totally understand this OP.
I have to keep an eye on my dad - my mum is lost to Alzheimers so it's different for her. But with losing his youngest DD and being a carer to my DMum, his life is just full of depression.
That worry will never really stop for her.
She will always be keeping an eye on you.
Is she getting some counselling as well?

@soxy2154 you have named your daughter at 13:11:58

(so sorry for everything )

@hellsbellsmelons My DD isn't interested in any form of counselling at the moment, our family have always been quite private concerning their emotions (it's how we were all brought up)
It's nice that she cares about us so much (as we do her) but I don't like the thought off her worrying about me.
She is the only reason I carry on, although my DD is older she's still my baby & I would t want to cause her anymore pain than she has now.
As much as she worries about me I worry about her more, life is just one big mess at the moment. We have always tried to be good people it just seems so unfair that we've been dealt this card.
I'm not religious in anyway but sometimes I beg for this to all be a dream, I would give anything I have to let this all go back to normal I really would

Sox, can you include your DD in your grief? In trying to protect her, you may be cutting her out. That isn't a criticism- and you know best- it's just a suggestion. She may worry less if she can grieve with you rather than you trying to manage on your own.

sox, I really think a place like The Compassionate Friends is a better place to put this or even the bereavement board. Unless you've been there, it's impossible to understand child bereavement and loss, truly, especially of a child who did not make it to adulthood or fully into adulthood. This charity even has specialty areas to recognise this, like loss of an only child with no grandchildren, loss of a child to drugs or substance, loss of an adult child, loss of a child to suicide, etc. If you lost your child to murder, Parents of Murdered Children is a good resource.

Everyone does handle it differently. My DD also has not wanted to engage with any professional counselling, but now she is a teenager she is in a peer group for teens and young people who have lost a parent, sibling or both. She feels more comfortable with peers and I can understand that, as her loss is different from ours. Her outlets are sports and sporting and she aims for a career in the military and becoming a paramedic.

Right now it's about getting through every day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

I'm so sorry. I understand.