Hello all,
I am seeking some advice, as I am finding it hard to open up to people around me.
I was dating someone for 5 years and in August we broke up. We were engaged in 2018 but cancelled/postponed our wedding this year. We were arguing lot and I went distant. The reason for this, I have realised since, is something called delayed trauma due to the loss of my dad.
I moved out of the house and he has since bought me out. Since I left a month ago, I have really struggled and the counselling I have had since has made me realise just how much I miss him and indeed love him. 2 weeks ago he came to collect his things and told me he couldn't see a way back for us, but that coudnt say never as he also didn't think we would break up. He was upset and then I told him that I had wrote a letter when we first broke up. He asked me to give it to him, which I did.
I had a niggle that he was with someone, someone who his sister lives with. She likes everything he posts (never did before) and he likes hers. On Sunday last week he said he would come in 3 hours to get his things as he was driving back from somewhere, and she then posted something 3 hurs where we are. I know it sounds crazy and I know that there is a danger that I am just clutching at straws and making up stories.
On Monday he rang me and told me I wasn't at his becon call, which I agreed with. I asked him directly are you with this person we know and he said 'you've rung to ask that, it shouldn't matter. No I am not, followed by what would it matter if I was'. He then text me quite a long message which said we both needed to move on, that he did love me still but wasn't in love. Very different to Monday when he was in tears. He ended his text by saying If I wanted to reply, I could, but not to worry if he didn't....
I stupidly left it 24 hours and shouldn't have replied at all, before again asking if he was with this person, several times and he didn't reply. I then unfollowed this girl and a day later, she has unfollowed me. I know it sounds pathetic and I know I hurt him so much and this could be a case of paypack. This morning on hisia, he has deleted all pictures of us together from the start of the this year (he says he wanted to remember the good 5 years the other day and not the year which has been hard so it could be related). But he has also erased some pictures of us away, where it is clear we are engaged.
My question is, I know I am in the wrong. But I feel so heartbroken. I feel like I have messed up and should have done no contact and left him time to miss me. and be with this girl, if he is, whether she is a rebound or not.
Can you please advise me what to do, it is his 30th in 3 weeks and that is so hard to imagine. especially if I have to see pictures if they are together. How do I win him back, if at all