Name change because I don't want this linked to the previous few threads I've started/contributed to and I'll not be mentioning this to anyone in RL yet.
I'm here to vent really, perhaps try to unravel the mess I find myself in. I honestly never ever thought I'd find myself feeling like this, but I look at other relationships and I'm beginning to see that mine isn't how it should be.
We've been together 12 years, married for 9. Two little girls under 8. On the surface we're happy... text daily and always end it with "love you loads etc" but we're never intimate anymore. Barely even cuddle or kiss and when we do it's a peck. We haven't shared a bed in years, since I fell pregnant with my eldest in fact. I'm the snorer and since I do all the night duties and always have, it makes sense for me to have the bed. But I do feel guilty. I've been to a sleep clinic, tried all sorts to help with the snoring (he snores too but I'm the deep sleeper), there's no medical reason, I've always snored but seems his tolerance ran out some time ago.
The main reason I'm posting is we've obviously drifted way apart, and honestly I'm not even sure if I love him anymore. I've fought for our marriage, tried initiating intimacy many times and got rejected so now I don't try anymore. But now I kind of give up. I'm tired of trying now. I've suggested counselling countless times but it would be left to me to organise and frankly I have enough on my plate. I work FT as does he, and whilst he does shoulder some of the home duties, it's what he wants to do and when he wants to do it. If he doesn't feel like it. It's either left to me or it doesn't get done. So resentment has built up on my part. To the point where I'm not sure if I want to continue anymore.
We just had a row because his birthday is coming up and EVERYONE is asking me about our plans, when they can visit etc. All week I've been asking him to decide what he'd like to do and what plans I can share with family; his and mine. He's vaguely mentioned going for a meal, fine, but when I ask where etc he says he doesn't know and hasn't "had time to think". FFS! I got a bit sarky, said we're all busy but people want to make plans. Muttered he's being selfish and that's it, he kicks off. Shouts, swears about how I shouldn't "start", he can't stand my sarcasm. I quip back he's sarky too... etc etc. To avoid it escalating further I end up coming up to bed and might have muttered that's he's being a cunt. Out of order I know, but I'm just at rock bottom with it all. He's called me a cunt before, whilst drunk a few years ago and I feel like it's building up and up. To the point where now I just don't care.
I look at my girls and wonder how it came to this. H and I used to be so close, best friends. Never highly sexed but we cuddled and kissed all the time. Maybe he doesn't fancy me anymore. Feels that way. Often feels like my third kid, he definitely acts that way and is so immature at times. It used to make me laugh, now I just inwardly eye roll a lot.
Sorry this is long, just needed to offload I suppose. Read it back in the cold light of a new day and try to decide where I go from here. Ripping our lives apart will be so hard if we split but honestly, how can we carry on like this? We're just co-existing. And I don't know if I have any fight left to keep us together. There's no effort from him in a relationship sense, none. When I'm tired or upset he doesn't comfort me, not unless I ask for him to hold me for example. Perhaps he resents me too. I think counselling is needed but when?! We both work and have young children. Urgh. What a mess. If you've got this far thanks for reading. Any advice or wise words welcome, please be gentle with me. I feel like a horrible person at the moment but I'm truly not. Just trying to do my best at everything and failing miserably