I have everything but nobody and no memories

[TreeGreenSpade]

I couldn’t ask for a better life really, in terms of a career that I’m good at, financially ok (we all have our moments!), friends around me (some have come and gone but I’ve got a couple who have been there for the long run). My home is modest but perfect to me. I can shop where I like. I’m not a model but I find it easy to date, I like chatting and I’m interested in people and things.

It’s all great except the last time I was in love was 7 years ago. I can’t even remember what it feels like properly. Whenever I watch a rom com I cry because I can’t remember those feelings let alone think about having them in future.

Everyone is with someone one way or another. I’d do pretty much anything to get home to a bit of chaos or to pick up a little one from nursery. I don’t want a baby alone. I know that gets said a lot on here and I know it’s an option but for me it is more about the relationship, the partnership, having someone in your life that’s significant to you.

I don’t think I will ever find it and it breaks my heart.

I'm sorry, OP. That sounds horrible and pretty heartbreaking.

Why do you think your dates aren't converting into anything more serious? Do you have a sense of what it is you're looking for but not finding in potential partners?

I’m not sure really. It’s always me ending it, maybe I’m too critical.

I didn’t have this problem in my twenties though

@treegreenspade - I am totally with you, slightly different circumstances in that i have been in love, and still am with someone who just broke up with me but I get it. I want all that too, and I feel like i cannot find anyone to do all this with. Like you said, I could have a baby - but i want everything that comes with that - partnership, having someone special. I am 30 and starting to think it'll never happen for me - like you, I have a good job, my own home, good health, friends and family say i am attractive - but it doesn't seem to matter.

I would suggest stop with the Rom Coms and start watching something more realistic like The Godfather or Jaws ;-)

Seriously though, isn't that what everyone wants ... the happy ever after ? And I'm presuming that you've read enough posts on here to know that it doesn't happen for everyone and frankly some people's lives are just miserable with their partner.

I'm thinking that you are in your 30's and you have time on your side. It only took me 7yrs to go from single, meeting someone, moving in, few good holidays, couple of kids to back being single again ;-)

You are in an excellent position to do things for you - go travelling, see things, go places, meet lots of exciting people and have lots of sex because one day you may find yourself in a long term relationship, with a couple of kids and all that will be a distant memory :-)

I have no suggestions but I’m in the same position. Hundreds of dates, 2.5 years dating online, not even a short relationship. I’ve all but given up.

I’ve done loads of travelling. Met loads of people. Seen lots of things. Progressed my job.

I want a relationship but it doesn’t seem on the cards for me. Bored of dating, I never feel anything for anyone.

Interesting, so you've no trouble dating or getting second dates and beyond, but you never feel a spark, you feel nothing?

It sounds like it should just be a matter of time and someone will trigger an interest in you. Maybe switch up what you're doing looking for dates, try a match-making service?

Yes, I just lose interest in people very fast or I don’t ever get to the interest stage. I used to never date anyone younger than me, even by a year, so I think maybe I’ve had silly ideas in the past.

The last few months though I’ve been really open minded and still not found anyone I really look forward to seeing

Just loved your post Imho you sound so much fun and funny 😄.

No special advice OP, sorry.

There are posts just like yours on here from time to time OP. No advice but it might help to know you are not alone!

OP, I have a son who could have written a similar post!
He looks at his 3 brothers all living with long term partners, all his "settled" friends and feels envious. He gets on with life has hobbies, volunteers, and works hard, he is solvent, owns his own property, but has yet to meet that special "someone"
Both you and he are in an enviable position compared to many others, just read some of the threads on here!!

I know it’s not always rosy in a relationship.

I think the best way of describing it is that life feels strangely empty, despite being full the the brim with travel, friends, work, hobbies, cooking, drinks out...nothing really replaces having someone in your life.

But I think others have offered some good ideas. RomCom films always leave me a bit cold though, usually super attractive superficial privileged ditsies, can’t relate at all😃

Cross posted

Don’t take this badly, just a suggestion to reflect on it.

1. My sister has always been very popular, we used to joke when she was younger that she couldn’t get mildly annoyed because she would press the “next” button and surely, “next” was always available. As the years passed (she is well over 40), the queu of “next” became from long and plentiful to pretty much inexistent, she really needs to try hard (very hard) to get someone interested. Many people wonders why she is still single, one of her friends pointed out to her that she didn’t know how to work on or preserve a relationship, she would just bin the guy and get another.

I think so much choice made her massively perfectionist, she often compared men and wanted to have he best of each... but honestly, if such a man existed, she would be way below his league. I think she failed to appreciate that before the queue of suitable candidates dried up,

2. She has her own house, is financially secure and as you, she can buy wherever she wants, but that is not extraordinaire, when all the money you earn is wisely invested on yourself, it is not difficult to be in a much better place than people who have certain commitments and therefore to find an “equal”. Ie. It is difficult to find a divorced man who is well off, this not because they are financially useless but because splitting family assets to fund 2 homes and paying child maintenance can remove YEARS of financial accomplishments from almost anyone.

3. I don’t know how old are you, but if you are getting to the perimenopause age... it is no surprise you are not attracted to anyone. Blame the hormones but try to focus on the qualities you would appreciate in a man to keep to your side in the long term, the proverbial spark may no longer materialise with the intensity of years past, so you may need to put the spark lower in the list of the qualities you expect in a man. You may get to fall in love with a man that you trust and respect and his company you enjoy, even if there were no fireworks in the first dates.

idiot I read your post and have to admit that is me. Number 1).

I like to think I’m aware the pool and queue will dry up...I often think that actually. But because there’s always someone else interested, I am so quick to write others off! This is exactly what I do. I find people like me easily (don’t mean to sound big headed!!!) I just mean I find it easy to form connections with people.

I also get your point about 2).

I guess the question I have is...what is settling and what is being realistic?

I have to say that in the past, when actually in a relationship, I would be very committed, supportive and definitely didn’t have a rose tinted view of what it ‘should be’ like.

Now I’m a bit older I’ve just sort of given up unless someone really sweeps me off my feet. Which is yet to happen.

I can relate to the "number 1" description above, and to what you'd said OP. I'm happily married now, but was single my whole 20s and went on hundreds of first dates.

Ultimately I think having dated so many "blah" men was what made me really appreciate the chemistry & compatibility I have with DH - he isn't what I would call my "type" physically and if we'd met when I was younger I'd probably have dismissed him tbh. But now we have an amazing relationship and a lovely baby.

So have hope, it's a numbers game, keep dating and eventually that spark will bloom unexpectedly and you'll be confident in your choice because you'll have dated enough to know there's no one better out there!

What is settling and what is being realistic? Good question, one of my friends always joked that when it comes to finding a man you start looking for Mr Perfect, after a few years you are ok with Mr Right, next comes Mr He is ok and you end up, with Mr Will Do.

I guess the important thing is to define what’s important to you nowadays, because what is important keeps changing over time. The big question is, what do you need in a man to be happy these days?

I had a VERY extensive list and a managed to find a husband to match it (took a good few years) but people change and the two of us were no exception, what was important at some point was irrelevant at the end of the marriage.

I have been in two good long term relationships after that, but they also Como to an end because circumstances change and with a kid, I was not willing nor able to relocate to whatever place the guys wanted to move next (abroad or 40 minutes down the road). After my last relationship ended, I did quite a lot of soul searching and come to the following conclusions on what was important to me:

1. I do no need a man to save me, provide for me or protect me. I can do that on my own.

2. I need someone to talk about the day, bounce ideas with and laugh at the end of the day.

3 ) He has to be a genius or very very cultured, with great conversation skills otherwise he would find me unbearable.

4. He needs to be considerate and caring.

5. He needs to take care of his appearance (it is just fair if I do the effort)

I don’t think I have settled down for little for wanting just the above, I took 72 things out of my list I found, after 24 dates, the guy that makes me happy.

So start writing that list and focus on the things that you need, not so much on those you want... I would say.