What's the matter with me?

[freesolo]

I came out of a very unhappy marriage nearly 2 years ago, and have found the most amazing partner. I've never known love, affection and friendship like this. However, I find myself in a horrible loop of being incredibly happy and loving towards him, and then freezing him out. It's happened so often he is close to leaving me. I don't know how to change my behaviour. When it's happening I have no positive feelings inside of me to stop myself doing it. And when I'm out of it i can't understand why I would be like that. He really is wonderful, but theres only so much he can take.

Sorry to hear, is there anything causing you to freeze him out? How do you actually freeze him out?
I guess being used to an unhappy marriage means your not used to being happy and maybe not letting yourself be happy?

Yes, what are the triggers?

I feel there is a part of you that is afraid of being hurt and you test him. Can you find a mental heath person to talk to?

I'm not sure what the triggers are as such. Ill get annoyed by something little, for example he hasn't picked up some clothes from the floor or he's not done the washing up, and I'll seethe inside for hours, and think about all the other things he has or hasn't done. And then I let it fester inside me until we inevitably argue, and then I feel awful.

Some reason you can't speak, but internalise it instead?

Have you got in a fear habit of not speaking up,not asserting yourself?

I used to respond to things more than I currently do. Partly it was due to my past (childhood bullying, but it effected me deeply.) It could be anything, all that matters it how it's effected you. I wouldn't have wanted to bother looking into my past, what I was worried about was changing my emotional response in the here and now, but my therapist said that was the way to go with therapy based on my past. I had EMDR.

But different therapeutic approaches work for different people at different times. I think it'd be worth you trying some sort of therapy. Hugs xxxxx

Thank you so much everyone. I've considered counselling in the past but this confirms I need to do it. Luckily I can access free counselling through work as it's a big g company so I'm going to bite the bullet!

Hope it goes well for you freesolo

I have found (over the course of twenty nine years and quite a bit of support from different kinds of self development) that when I am cross with myself about something, things that normally don't bother me or would even make me smile really get to me.

Everything is no good and it's all horrible.

I can now recognise when I start to do it, can warn DH and apologise incase I slip. And focus on working out why I am really cross (with myself).

All the best.

Have a look at the traits of someone with borderline personality disorder. I've done it to most of my partners, even when I'm really happy and thought they were "The One".

I’m similar to you @freesolo

My DP is lovely, funny, generous and affectionate, but I feel murderous rage when I find he’s left his dirty socks on the floor or not put his rubbish in the bin.

For me it harks back to those feelings of being taken for granted and thought of as a malfunctioning domestic appliance by XH. When we split I found my confidence and tried new things that made me feel like more than just someone’s wife or mum. Being expected to pick up DP’s shit takes me right back there into domestic servitude and I know I’m worth more than that.

Tbh I don’t even feel bad about it. If I’ve spent an hour tidying and cleaning the kitchen the least he can do is put his fucking wrappers in the bin instead of leave them on the table.

Perfectly reasonable to me to be annoyed with him. Perhaps not to the extent I feel it, but it makes me question whether I’d be better on my own. I usually conclude that I would rather be with him!

And by murderous rage I mean inside - I don’t actually rage at him. I ask him politely to pick up the offending article and put it where it belongs, but inside I’m seething and he can see it.