Should I just leave?

[Zaza6375]

I’m after some advice please.
My husband and I have not spoken since March. He sleeps downstairs on the sofa and things are miserable.
He says he doesn’t love me, that I’m controlling bullying and that I want a lap dog not a husband.
I have posted a few times before and there is history.
I’m so worried about my children. I gave 3 daughters 15,12 and 5 (with autism) This is not a normal healthy family environment. There have been some horrific rows.
I spend pretty much every night going to bed at 7 and I’m lonely. It’s just getting unbearable.
I have suggested separating and divorce and he says no to both.
He says he will never leave the house and he will make it miserable so that I do.
I’m nearly there.
Does anyone know where I would stand legally? If I was to rent anywhere with the children would he have to contribute financially? He says he cannot afford to.
Would I be entitled to any help?
I am self employed and I’m on a low wage.
Would I lose any entitlement to our house if I left?
I should imagine that the house would have to be sold when we divorce. If so would that affect any of my percentage of the sale?

I really feel for you Zaza, this really is no way to live and like you've pointed out, it's a dreadful family dynamic and not great for the children.

There are far more informed Mums-netter's than myself on this subject but it sounds like you are in an abusive situation so perhaps give a call to Womensaid or a similar charity and they can give definitive answers to all of your questions. A good family lawyer would do similar but there may be a cost involved there.

I'll give none definitive answers to some of your questions based only on what I've read here, I'm not a lawyer.

If I was to rent anywhere with the children would he have to contribute financially?

Yes he would, it is not for him to decide if he can afford or not either. If he is also self employed it can be tough but if he works he will have to pay up to look after his family, of course he will.

Would I be entitled to any help?

Almost certainly. But I believe that your goal should be to remain in the family home. If he can't afford to stay there and pay you he has to leave, simple as that.

Would I lose any entitlement to our house if I left?

Do not leave before seeking legal advice, especially do not leave the children with him.

I should imagine that the house would have to be sold when we divorce. If so would that affect any of my percentage of the sale?

I doubt it very much, that is a job for the lawyers and courts though.

Hopefully some more clued up posters will be along shortly to offer advice.
Stay strong.

I would seek legal advice the divorce ASAP. I would also contact women’s aid and the Rights of Women organisations as well

You are self employed but is this person working? He will never be reasoned with but no man is above the law here. This is also no environment for your children to be growing up in either.

You need a lawyer and fast. Not only is the current set-up unsustainable for you, it must be a horrible environment for your children. What example is it setting them about what a healthy relationship should look like?

It doesn't matter what your husband says about not being able to afford to live elsewhere - that's not your problem.

Your immediate concern is to put an end to this ridiculous situation but before doing anything - for heaven's sake find a decent family solicitor and take some advice about where you stand.

You need a solicitor, to file for divorce and to register a legal separation. Get the ball rolling now. He can’t prevent you from filing. Any financial and property split will depend on your income, savings and any assets, it’s not something non-legal people can give advice on.

The house is a marital asset and neither of you has to leave it until after divorce and financial arrangements are sorted out. I’m not sure what previous poster means by “if he can’t afford to stay there and pay you he has to leave”, but neither of you can make the other leave if demands for money aren’t forthcoming.

If you can’t cohabit any longer and you moved out then he would need to pay you child maintenance, the amount of which would be dependent on his income. But he wouldn’t be responsible for paying your rent or bills. You would likely be entitled to some benefits based on your income and for the children. You would both remain responsible for the mortgage although in principle, the person who stays generally pays the whole mortgage as they are essentially “renting” the half owned by the person who leaves.

Moving out doesn’t disentitle you to a fair share of the property when it’s sold. And as main carer for the children, “fair share” will likely mean you receiving a larger percentage of any equity so that you can house the children.

There some information on ending the relationship here: .citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/ Divorce law depends on where you are in the UK. I think the above is for England so do a search for where you are if not in England on their website.

Rights of Women can give you free family law advice and proper direction on your next steps such as how to find an appropriate solicitor. CABx can also give you advice as can Gingerbread who can also advice on becoming a single parent and everything that entails.

Don't tell your husband that you are planning this as he could ramp up his behaviour. It's an idea to call Women's Aid in order to get advice on how to exit the relationship safely.