Sexless relationship

[Namechanged2019x]

I've been with dp for 3 years, we're both 28. We don't live together but were planning on soon. I have struggled with my mental health since a young child and don't know whether I'm being completely unreasonable due to my own issues.

Hes a lovely man, always tells me he loves me and shows me by the way he treats me, but it all seems to have gone downhill. We both have very stressful full time jobs, he has siatica as well which is relevant.

We usually have sex around once a week, maybe twice but it has suddenly gone to once a month now. I've initiated but he just rolls over and goes to sleep so I dont bother now, I just end up feeling silly. When I questioned him on it he said its because of his siatica but when I ask how he's feeling he normally says he's feeling good and not in pain. I asked him if we could go on dates and he's said that he wants to but just doesnt think to plan anything, then when we go its obvious he's just doing it to keep me happy.

I have quite bad anxiety, and have told him that I need affection to feel secure in the relationship and at the moment, with us not having sex or going out it feels like he sees me as a friend, which he completely denies. We had an argument last week as he told a man to fuck off in a shop and I was so embarrassed but he just said he was joking. He's never done that before, and everything I've been feeling has all come out. I know he's struggling with the pain, and I'm trying to help make things easier for him as he is in pain and in a stressful job, so I'm cooking meals for him and tidying his house when I go round there to help, but all we ever do it sit and watch tellie.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Am I being selfish by trying to make things better or should I leave him to it? After the argument it seems so awkward. He initiated sex but I felt like he wasn't into it so we stopped and I asked him about it later. He said he felt awkward and that he was trying to make things better, but he couldnt get past what I'd said when I said that he came across as aggressive when he told the man to fuck off and "pulling him up on everything". I've apologised but I feel guilty on picking him up on his swearing, sex and dates in one argument, but it's just built up and my self confidence is shattered

I could imagine it being hard to have sex with sciatica problems but do you really think he's just using that as an excuse? regardless I would definitely put off moving in together if you're already feeling like the relationship isn't working for you. It will be much more difficult separating after you move in together

He rarely mentions the sciatica effecting the sex unless I bring it up so I do feel like it is an excuse half the time, but I also know he doesnt like telling me when he's in pain. I've put off moving in together as he sees his friends and family on birthdays only, and doesnt initiate seeing them despite me asking us to go and visit them. Im conscious not to be the reason he doesnt see them but I realised thats just how his friends and family are.

The more I'm writing the more I'm seeing it at a different angel and am realising maybe its depression, which he has suffered with in the past.

Run, don't walk away. You can do far better.

Would he be open to going to the doctors to get his testosterone checked?

The more I'm writing the more I'm seeing it at a different angel and am realising maybe its depression, which he has suffered with in the past.

Well if that's the case he needs to go and see someone and you definitely need to hold off on moving in. If I were you I would speak to him about seeing his GP and I would put a time limit on the relationship in your own head and stick to it if he's not making any effort to get himself help

I’d think from your POV, this is a friendship and nothing more

Sounds like he’s struggling and might even be in a lot of pain, emotional and physical. I’d LTB and let him sort himself out

You are only 28 and three years in - a sexless relationship does not sound thrilling. I would not move in with him and seriously think about a different future for yourself.

I’d suggest talking to him first before just dumping him, the latter seems slightly unreasonable given the length of time you’ve been together. If it’s medical (back pain or mental health related) then you can ask him to go and see a doctor and give him your full support. If he wishes to get help and the frequency of sex doesn’t improve I’d be telling him goodbye. For me a significant part of a relationship is sex.

I don't want to end the relationship, as I do love him, I'm just struggling with the lack of sex, and feeling insecure, as for me sex and intimacy gives me a sense of reassurance, which I know is unhealthy and not attractive