Feeling extremely emotional and drained

[BellaElla99]

Hello, it’s my first post and I was recommended to try this site by a friend for some advice! It is quite long but I’ll try and shorten it down, here goes;

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few years from a very young age. We have a 4 year old together and I’m nearly 27 weeks pregnant with our second. When we were younger, my partner was a compulsive liar and a cheater. He was a very angry person who wanted to control the whole relationship but do as he pleased but to everyone else he was amazing and I felt so trapped. Every time I tried to leave he would tell me he loves me and he’s going to kill himself and would ask me if I really want to destroy our daughters family when I’m the person he wants and he’ll do anything. This cycle carried on for a while until I got drained of the lying, cheating, hitting and intimidation and moved in with my mum. He ended up going to prison for two years (for something unrelated to me) and I was able to finally breathe. I felt so free, had fun with my friends that he said were bad influences and slags, slept with a few people (never ever thought I would!) went on dates, went on a girls holiday and took my daughter on holiday. When he came out of prison, he was like a different person, so gentle, so healthy, so loving and easy to speak to. I didn’t feel scared of him but I realised I was still so in love with him and loved his company. Everyone urged us to get back together and we agreed that we would take it slowly, go on more dates and get to know the new and improved versions of ourselves. He moved back in, and everything was amazing. He was so attentive, such a good dad and partner. I found out I was pregnant in June and it was a massive shock but we decided to continue the pregnancy and he seemed so happy. He was really supportive during my morning sickness unlike when I was pregnant with my daughter and genuinely seemed like he cared about my emotions. In September, I found out he had cheated on me in the August with one of the girls he cheated on me with years previously. I was so broken. It was like a massive slap in the face but I tried my hardest to get over it and put it down to the fact that we weren’t having sex because I was so unwell and I didn’t want to lose what we had. We agreed that he would go and stay at his mums whilst we worked on things - going on dates, speaking on the phone more, missing each other etc. The problem is, he hasn’t stuck to his side of the agreement. He goes out all night with his friends so we barely speak, if I call him he’ll be playing his PS4 or out so I don’t speak to him, he barely texts me through the day. When I see him, it’s like I’m just speaking to myself because he barely responds or it’s like he’s always exhausted when he’s around me so I feel like I’m annoying him speaking to him. I’ve discussed it with him and how it makes me feel, and his friends just seem to think I’m asking too much and I’m clingy and he just says he will change it but nothing ever changes. He stayed with me the other night and it was like sleeping with a stranger, we had a cuddle but it’s like he wasn’t present, he wasn’t excited to be with me, we barely spoke and when I spent the next day with him, he was so grumpy the whole day because he said he was really tired and me tossing and turning all night had kept him up. We had an argument a few months ago and he basically said he felt sick having sex with me now knowing id allowed other men inside me and he doesn’t feel like I’m the same girl he was with before - that made me really sad because I thought we were good and I was single but he says im using the fact that i was single as an excuse to be a slag and it hurts him that I turned out like that but after we finished arguing he said he was sorry and didn’t mean it and was just saying it to hurt my feelings but I feel like that’s how he genuinely feels because he never even comes near me or speaks to me anymore. I’m extremely drained of it and feel really emotional (probably hormones) about the whole situation. I do love him but I’m finding this situation hard to cope with. He thinks I’m overreacting and says when he moves back in things will be fine. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to leave whilst I’m pregnant and I’m worried about how I’ll cope with a newborn alone. None of my friends have kids and are still enjoying the single party lifestyle in university so I barely speak to them and I feel so alone and have no one to share my excitement/worries with. Can anyone give me any advice? Do you think it’s worth seeing a counsellor? Do you think I should try living together again to see how it changes? Sorry it’s so long but any advice or similar situations would be helpful. I’m feeling extremely vulnerable right now so please try your best to be kind. Thanks in advance xxx

I’m so sorry to read you are in so much pain. This should be a happy time but for you it is so sad. Listen to your hart and be your own best friend . You and your children deserve happiness x

He is verbally/emotionally abusive. Please don't move in with him again. If you did, I think he'd feel he could act even more badly as you'd be kind of a captive audience.

Hugs xxx

He sounds awful OP.

He calls women ‘slags’ if they have sex with men, while he himself happily carries on behind your back.

To be honest, any man who calls women ‘slags’ is demonstratig he has zero respect for women. And the way he prefers friends and PS4 to talking to you is more evidence that he doesn’t respect you or your 4 year old.

Whether you let him move back in, or decide to go it alone, you should probably not expect him to change. He will continue to drain you emotionally, but I understand how hard it is to think of managing on your own with two children.

Just know that you are definitely not over-reacting. On the contrary, he is minimising his own bad behaviour.

I've been reading about the Freedom Programme and looking at it on line. People also do it as a real world course. Would recommend. freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I think it mentions an abuser calling his partner a 'slag.' What a nasty word.

Thanks for your replies. I know he doesn’t respect me, I’ve let him know and he always says he does and things will change. It just hurts because I’ve tried so hard and I genuinely thought he had changed. Please help me, how do I let go? I’m scared he’s going to make it seem like it’s all my fault.

How many times must this man cheat or emotionally abuse you until you leave? This is a cycle of behaviour for him and if he hasn't changed for you or your child, he isn't going to.

It all is down to you, what do you want from life? Do you want to feel like this over and over again? Do you want your children to grow up thinking that this disrespect towards you as a woman is acceptable?

I know it's hard to imagine as this behaviour has had an impact on your confidence and self esteem, but you can, and DESERVE to be happy. Are you happy OP?

big hugs.

No, no I’m not happy. I mean I’m happy I’m pregnant and I’m happy I have a healthy smart daughter but I’m not happy. I’m so drained of the empty promises, the lies, the manipulation and then somehow it’s always MY FAULT. But I feel so trapped. It’s like he’s always there. He’ll tell people lies to make himself look less guilty. He makes out that I’m the bad person and never takes full responsibility for his actions. He acts as though I owe him something. He’s making me hate him but I feel trapped. So trapped.

He's abusive, misogynistic and controlling.
He hasn't changed since coming out of prison and he is never going to change, imo.
I would guess he has a cluster b personality disorder narcissist/sociopath/psychopath.
Start doing some research on these personalities , so you know what you are dealing with.
Knowledge is power.

Look In to the Freedom Programme online.
Phone Women's Aid and speak to them for help.
Do you have support from family and friends if you tell them of the abuse 2nd time round?

I think you will need an exit plan as he has a warped view of "owning " you.

Don't live with him.
Definitely get counselling for yourself.

Get STI/std checks If he is sleeping around.

I hope you have lots of support.

Good luck.

Please don’t get back with him. How dare he say any of them things about you being a slag when he’s the one who’s cheated on you multiple times.

He clearly hasn’t changed and is trying to make u feel bad so you fall in line and do exactly what he says and he can continue going out all the time and whatever else he does. These are not the actions of someone who wants to try again with their family. They are the actions of a selfish prick and you are well rid.

Being a single mum isn’t that bad, you have done it once with your little one when he was locked up so I’m sure you will be able to do it again and plus you have your family and friends for support.

Good luck and remember your worth!

He is an abusive manipulative liar. Don’t let him do this to you or to your children. You are worth more! You are too kind and loving for him

Go on the Freedom Programme. It's a life changer.

He's an abuser and you and your children deserve a better life.

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such a miserable time when your pregnancy should be happiness and excitement.

Please know you have done absolutely nothing wrong. He’s is cruel and manipulative. You seem like you have such a kind heart, please don’t let him ruin you and get away while you can.

You sleeping with people and enjoying yourself whilst your young and single is nothing to do with him. Especially when he thinks it’s acceptable to sleep with other people whilst you’re together.

I know it’s a lot easier to say than do but honestly I have just come out of a relationship (no kids) with an emotionally abusive man and I can not believe I didn’t leave sooner.

You don’t want your little girl growing up think that accepting this type of behaviour from a man in normal.

Sending my love

I really feel for you OP and so much of your post resonates in terms of the name calling, being distant, being cold and acting in punishing ways. I hated him and still do but stop feeling trapped. You always have choices. They may not be the ones you wanted to make or felt you should ever have to make. To think yourself trapped you are disempowering yourself. So remember this does not have to be your future if it continues.

Thanks for your kind messages. I didn’t think he could be abusive as he’s only 22 and I’m 20 which is really naive of me. Everyone excuses it because he’s young. I know he’s abusive but it’s like I feel sorry for him, it’s like he plays the victim and I feel really bad. I feel guilty for wanting to leave him because he makes me feel like I’m ruining my daughters (and our unborn son’s) lives. I feel sorry for him when people badmouth him. How do I find the freedom programme? He tells me that this is normal and you don’t just give up on someone you love. He tells everyone he loves me and I just won’t let him forget our past. He has given me 2 STD’s in the past, one being in this pregnancy. I just really hate him. It sounds bad but sometimes I wish he would just go back to prison. He makes everything so hard for me. If I tell him I’m not speaking to him, he continuously calls me asking to speak to my daughter. He made her cry on Thursday because he told her he’d be home on Sunday knowing I wouldn’t agree so when I said no, it was my fault and she says ‘if you didn’t shout at my daddy maybe he wouldn’t be so sad’ or she says ‘but daddy is just all alone and that’s not very nice’ which definitely sounds like something he’s said to her when he has her. I’ve tried not letting him see her and he goes around telling everyone I’m keeping him from seeing his daughter and I’m bitter etc. He uses her to get to me I can’t explain it. I feel like I’m going crazy and I seem crazy accusing him when he isn’t doing anything but it’s like he has fun leaving little signs that he’s cheating when he’s really with his friends, it’s like he enjoys me seeming like I’m mad and everyone thinks I am. I can’t really explain myself properly so I hope this makes sense. Sorry for the rant I just have no one to speak to. X

I’m not sure if I’ll have the support of family or friends because they view it as I put myself in this situation again. They don’t see him as abusive because he’s so lovely in front of everyone. He will say vile things on the phone but send me paragraphs telling me he loves me and will do anything. He sends messages begging for forgiveness and I look like the sour one saying ‘i can’t do this anymore’ when he replies saying he hasn’t done anything wrong and he knows I feel alone etc but he just wants to come home to support me. It was easier before because I was a lot younger and had my teachers support etc but now I’m just feeling really alone and confused. X

Sorry to write again. It’s like the other day I tried to discuss everything with him and he started shouting saying I always have a problem and I said but you always make promises you can’t keep and he said he doesn’t understand what I want from him he hasn’t done anything then said I’d be happy if I allowed myself to be and I said but you refuse to acknowledge your wrong and he said he hasn’t done anything wrong and I’m just hormonal and when I’m ready to let go and be happy then I will be until then he isn’t prepared to listen to anymore of my complaints.

I never get heard. I’m always silenced. I just need him to disappear so I can get on with my life. His family make it so hard as well because they constantly want to have my daughter and she refuses to go without me and they don’t listen to my wishes when she is there alone. I just want him to disappear !!

I'm so sorry your going through this I have been in the same situation as u were before and I took him back and guess what he didnt change so I wasnt going to give him a third chance at cheating he was all the things u said ur ex is . I have two kids with him . Your ex will not change you are strong enough !! Get into baby and mummy groups talk to a family member your not alone . U know how ur life was without him u coped before you can do it again have faith and strength in yourself . Set contact in place for him to see your daughter and while he has contact with her it's his responsibility to bring ur daughter to see his family .

Thanks for your response. He sees her on a Wednesday currently and I’ll let him see her at my mums on a Sunday. He isn’t responsible enough to have her all day alone as there’s been more than one incident of him not feeding her dinner or he gives her nothing but sweets and rubbish.

I just feel so sad that it has to end this way, especially whilst I’m pregnant. :(

You are very young to be dealing with so much. He is abusive and manipulative. He is doing text book abuser things to you, like projecting things into you, rewriting history so he is the victim.
You need to distance yourself as much as possible from him, as he will destroy your self esteem.

Do what is best for your children, even if you have to send your little girl to him with a packed lunch.

He is an emotionally immature man child.
Read up on narcissists or watch videos on YouTube.
Sarah speaks, inner integration. Dr Ramani Durvasula. Knowledge is power.

But the book Lundy Bancroft- Why does he do that?
It makes you understand how abusers tick.
They love bomb, put you on a pedestal, then they devalue you and discard.
They never take responsibility and nothing is ever their fault.
They are usually charming in public when they have an audience and nasty , spiteful or cold and uninterested at home or without an audience.

You are young and pregnant and you need support. Lots of support.