Practical steps out of sad situation

[AbjectSadness]

I have posted this in relationships rather than mental health because I don’t feel depressed, just very sad.

I’m married but I love someone else. I haven’t had an affair with him. I’m staying in my marriage but I feel heartbroken and need some practical things to do to help me get through the pain that I’m feeling.

1. Start running

Does anyone have any other ideas of how I can survive this and eventually feel happy again one day? Thanks.

1. Connecting with friends.

I've been through the same thing this year. I haven't seen him for 5 months or so now. It's getting easier, I don't think about him every day anymore.

I tried to be extremely kind to my dh and spend more energy on our relationship, it worked reasonably well. I wish you all the best.

Here is my thread, I hope it helps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3659450-Im-in-love-with-my-boss-Ive-resigned-now-what

What exactly is it that you love about this person? Is he objectively special, or is he just a bit more exciting than the relationship that's reached the settled committed everyday stage? (No judgement by the way, I've had several of those over nearly three decades...)

What attracted you to your husband in the first place? Can you get even a tiny bit of that feeling back?

Sometimes, when someone is kind to you and interested in you, it's hard to stop these feelings, isn't it?

I don’t know but I’m in the same situation so I sympathise. I’m planning to leave my marriage though I think, however I feel terribly guilty and I’ve no idea how it’ll all work out. I don’t think I can have the one I love as he’s with someone else anyway. It hurts a lot.

Reading this made me feel sad. If you're not happy you need to leave your marriage.

Thanks NewStartNeeded123. It’s good to know that you’re feeling a bit better and that time helps.

Oh dear, I am so sorry for what you are going through.
I know this pain too well as I have been in love with someone for over a year and I also am married. What helps me is:

Reading about other people who go through the same - there are lots of threads here about people being heartbroken. You will see that you are not alone in your suffering. It helps a lot to see other people's perspectives on the same problem.

Keep busy. Friends, new hobbies, running, entering competitions - anything to keep your mind occupied.

Learn to love yourself. This I found very helpful. Think what a great, cool and wonderful lady you are. There are so many small and big things about you that people like and admire. You are a catch and you are fabulous.

Be kind to yourself. You are allowed to feel what you feel. There is no shame and nothing wrong with loving someone. Don't feel bad and guilty. Accept your feelings and they will become a part of you rather than something you are struggling with.

Maybe rethink your marriage? I found that imagining that I really can leave my DH, if I so wish, has helped me to be more rational about the whole thing. Actually leaving him would be difficult as I have DC and only a part time job and no family nearby. And so I felt trapped. However, if you imagine that you have a real option of leaving, that you can work out all the practicalities - eventually - made me realise that, given a free choice - I would still stay with my DH. And then I took it from there..

Above all - lots of hugs to you. This is so hard and it's not something you can discuss with your friends and family. So we suffer alone whilst pretending we are fine. But you are not alone - You will find that there are plenty of us saddos :)

What exactly is it that you love about this person?
He’s brilliant. We just instantly clicked. We have all the same common interests and do the same job. However, we’re very opposite in that he’s very rational vs my emotional nature. He’s very hot tempered and I’m very calm. We are the same half the time yet I find our differences fascinating. I deeply love him as a person. I love his values and his nature. Being near him makes me happy. It’s like he brings out the best in me and vice versa. Also, I have never felt this level of sexual attraction ever. When I used to be near him at work I would feel very aroused. I have never experienced that in my life.
I know that I love him because I want him to be happy and I know that he will probably be tormented by guilt if he left for me. I want him to live his best, happiest life.

What attracted you to your husband in the first place?
I was grateful that an intelligent and attractive guy was interested in me. I had suffered a heartbreak two years earlier and was still in a lot of pain.

Thank you KirstyHasLeft. Your post really helped me.

Wow, you really do love him!
Maybe not a great advice but that is what I would do (I am not a very very sensible person, so feel free to ignore) - just go for it! If it doesn't work out with this guy - at least you gave it your all and won't have to regret for the rest of your life letting the (by the sound of it) the love of your life go.
He will get over his guilt. I mean- if he is happily married - he wouldn't leave his wife, right? I am a firm believer that happy marriages can not be ruined by anyone. If you fall for someone - that's because you are not happy in your existing relationship.

If it all fails and you are still heartbroken - please do refer to my previous post!
Hugs to you!

KirstyHasLeft
If I thought that there was a decent chance that he would say yes then I would suggest to him that we break up with our partners before even kissing each other. We both have children that would be terribly hurt though. He’s at a stage in his life where there’s a lot going on: new job, new house, new baby. He likes being the good guy, the family man. He likes his excellent reputation. Even if he’s in love with me too, the rational side of him would never let anything happen.

' He’s very hot tempered'

This doesn't sound good to me. I think you'd eventually go off this.

Interestedwoman maybe! I do like it a bit though. I think because I’m very controlled and contained so I love these Mediterranean explosions of his. They blow over almost instantly and he’s all smiles again.

Aw, bless you. You're not alone, people do fall in love with others at the same time as being married to a decent person and often don't put that love into action, it remains in the mind. There are different types of love too, if you were actually living with the object of your fantasy you might find it isn't so great.

Not much help at the moment but, honestly, this will pass (I was 'in love' with my parish priest for a while many years ago).

Distance, distance, distance

In all of the romance and comments of just go for it please remember you have a husband.

Sort out your marriage first, whether it be no contact with the OM and focus on your marriage or you divorce.

All of these life changing decisions involve him. He has a right to be treated with respect and dignity what ever you decide.

Please don’t fall for a guy with a hot temper. It’s all sexy until you live with them and have kids and the pressures of daily life result in constant hot temper explosions. Think of reality not fantasy. How would you feel if he took that hot temper out on children? These type of guys are a very bad bet

Mediterranean explosions and his wife has just had a baby so is probably knackered, he sounds awful. I don’t like the sound of him at all. Long term relationships often go through some periods of boredom due to the domestic grind. It’s not hatred or loathing it’s just like having Spag Bol every Thursday. You love that dish but it’s just the same thing for years so you get used to it and take spag Bol for granted. Could this be you?

Workplace romances occur often because it is away from the domestic sphere. I have been married a long time. When engaged DH took a photo of me sat on a huge Sand dune, I had just rolled down it and was back at the top hair all tousled, laughing, a glorious moment. This morning we have had a discussion about the pulled out dishwasher that needs repairing, not fun. We are however the same people.

Work on your marriage if it doesn’t work out then you will eventually break up. Have you and your DH had any discussions about how your feeling of late and how to improve things?

You only see the persona at work.

You are both married. It sounds like a major disaster waiting to happen.

I don't think you love him. You are in love with a persona. Those explosions tell you something. And maybe it's the lure of a foreigner, dark skin, accent and all that. Been there and done that and he turned out to be an absolute ass.

Is your husband good to you? Go home, put some sexy underwear on and bonk his brains out.

This sounds like limerence. If you really don't love your husband, then divorce. That is fair on him. I think you're in a rut and that is all though and then some suave foreign bloke comes along and stirs up lust.