I'm living on a rollercoaster ride of emotions and it's dependant on how he is feeling or makes me feel. The anxiety- that tight feeling in my chest is what stress and sadness feels like and it's there, a lot of the time. That feeling comes from treading on egg shells, for the fear of upsetting him and it's not ok. I have days where it's ok but then come the days when it's not and it hits hard and takes from me all that I have and that I am. The fear of the kids making too much noise, clicking a pen in and out. The fear that it will start him off. And then, I forget on those days where it's ok, or those moments where it's ok. But I don't forget because it's there, in the back of my mind, stopping me from making plans for the future because I know far too well that the dips will come back, the lows, those days filled with anxiety will turn their head and I'll feel bad again. So bad that I want to sleep and not wake up. Don't forget that you've been told you only work around the corner. That your efforts are piss poor. Don't forget that you're scared to ask him to get something for you from the shop even when he asks you if you want something. And on the good days you feel grateful that he got you something from the shop without making a deal about it- but you shouldn't feel grateful. Because this is just normal. Don't forget that you're worried about being yourself at times. Don't forget that life can never be this sad alone. Because alone means freeedom not lonely.
You're lonely now.