What do you think of this? Her issue, his issue or just a personality difference

[TellItLikeItReallyIs]

John and Jane are friends and not romantically involved.

Jane is a highly strung, probably has borderline personality disorder or traits. She reacts very badly to people not replying to text messages or returning calls.She starts thinking she has been rejected. Her instinct is to blow up the phone with "why haven't you called me messages". She hates it when people don't call when they say they would.

John is a spontaneous character, not a planner prefers to do things last minute. He is chronically unreliable and very self centred.

John tells Jane he will call her on Tuesday to arrange dinner that weekend.

John doesn't call on Tuesday. In fact he calls on Saturday and suggests dinner Saturday evening.

Jane is massively triggered by his failure to call when he said he would. Thinks this shows he doesn't care about her at all. Blows up at him and refuses to go for dinner.

Is this situation:

• Jane being unreasonable and not making a reasonable allowance for a friend being busy and forgetting to call in a casual arrangement. *John actually not caring and being offensively rude in not calling when he said he would. *Both points of view valid and just different personality types.

Was Jane not able.to pick up the phone herself?

I'd say they shouldn't be friends as they're not compatible!

Assume not as she's of a 'you said you'd call me and I know you are busy' mind set.

I'd say they shouldn't be friends as they're not compatible!

That's exactly what I think @Oopsinamechangedagain2020

Jesus why would anyone want to go to dinner / be a friend of Jane with those amateur dramatics? I am triggered so much just reading it that I am hiding behind the sofa!

Jane actually sounds similar to people I know on the spectrum.

If they are just friends then I think Jane is probably better off without John.
John is too self centred to modify his behaviour for a friend who he knows will be upset, but is expecting her to do all the accommodating. He doesn't sound like much of a friend.

If they were siblings - then its trickier.

Is there a reason Jane didn't phone John?

Is there a reason Jane didn't phone John?

I'm not sure to be honest. I wonder if it is because she actually likes John and although they are friends, is hoping for more so doesn't want to chase him. That is massively my supposition though. She says 'he said he'd call me so it's up to him to call me when he said he would'.

Jane is a lovely person but just very sensitive to feeling rejected!

I think that she needs friends who are more aware of that and that John just causes her unnecessary angst. I wouldn't care at all about that last minute call but whether I went or not would depend entirely one whether I was free.

Jane is the type to spend Tuesday - Saturday obsessing about why John didn't call. To me, he's waaay too laid back for her friendship wise.

If she likes him, it will never work out. He is a fly by the seat of his shorts person and she is very self controlled and thinks other people should be.

She can't accept him and he won't change.

I would say Jane will have to initiate every contact to control her anxiety!

They are both right, and both at fault, in different ways.

They are clashing characters and ought to stay well clear of each other.

I couldn't be friends with someone like John. Too laid back in my opinion. If people say they would call on Tuesday I would fully expect them to call on Tuesday. I'm with Jane on this one.
To receive a call on Saturday day time to go out that evening would be too short notice for me, but then I'm an extremely busy person and would need to arrange childcare so that's why short notice doesn't work for me, I'd expect the latest would be the Thursday night/Friday morning to arrange dinner for Saturday evening.
I'm with Jane on this, people should be more respectful and call when they say they should.

I think it’s probably both their issues. I am a Jane (no borderline but sensitive/overthinking and anxious) and would take this to mean that John was not interested, and would be stressing. Though I’d never let John know that, I’d likely just reduce contact.

I do think that John is pretty inconsiderate, if he knows Jane’s feelings on calls being on time etc.

Not interested in being friends I mean!

John should run for the hills. As should Jane.

Jane is the type to spend Tuesday - Saturday obsessing about why John didn't call.
Would she do this about a female friend? To me it seems as if she likes John but (correctly) realises that he would be hell on earth to be in a relationship with. So is settling for a friendship but it isn't working.

Likewise it's hard to imagine that he doesn't find her neurotic ways irritating as hell when they're actually together, even if he completely forgets about her when they're not.

They aren't remotely compatible as friends, and as the much more analytical one of the pair, I'm surprised Jane doesn't know this. Which is why I suspect there is more to her hanging on to this friendship than meets the eye.

Which is why I suspect there is more to her hanging on to this friendship than meets the eye.

I agree with you and that's my suspicion too.

If people say they would call on Tuesday I would fully expect them to call on Tuesday. I'm with Jane on this one.

I'm kind of this view too which is sort of why I asked the question as I didn't feel I had an objective view.

Jane is my friend and I know she is over anxious about this stuff. John is an acquaintance who I know through Jane - but personally I think not calling when you say you will is rude. He's not my cup of tea at all.

My view was that they just aren't suited even as friends.

They both sound like nightmares! I wouldn't want to be friends with either of them.

I agree that he should have called when he said he would but Jane seems like a drama queen

Wouldn't be friends with either of them

They both sound hard work but I am more on Team John over this! Yes it's a bit inconsiderate (not rude) to not call Tuesday but it's no biggie if they're just friends, but her reaction to it is very over the top. I might feel a bit put out but I wouldn't have gone off the deep end at a friend over it -Male or female.

Team John - he was a bit inconsiderate, but as far as he was concerned they were having dinner that weekend. If Jane needed it firmed up by Tuesday, she could have called John.

I would find a friend like John occassionally mildly irritating and a friend like Jane totally impossible.

I’m like Jane and would hate someone not ringing when they said they would.

I’m a Jane but only in relation to my John. All other friends I don’t stress too much about. John tends to be wishy washy and expects my world to revolve around him but not the other way round. He doesn’t like to plan and makes fun of when I do but at the end of a night out he’s expecting for me to plan on how we are getting home. It’s annoying but I don’t give it much reaction anymore, I just know he’s unreliable and stick to only giving his good behaviour attention.

Also I’m in love with my John...it’s bloody awful. I’ve tried to put distance but when I do it’s like he goes out of his way to give me his undivided attention when I do. I’ve given up and just accepted everything for what it is.

They are not suited as friends, and although I am not as Jane-ish as Jane, I have no John-types as friends, because if a person doesn't stick to what they say, and can't be bothered to arrange stuff with me in advance, I'll be busy with other people. I'm no-one's last-minute 'they'll do' person that others can phone on a whim if they've nothing better to do.

Obvs I'll do things at the drop of a hat with close friends if I am free. But in the 'getting to know you' stage? Nah.

Both sound pain in the bums.

Jane could have called and text unless she's always having to chase John like that, in which case she's justified in waiting to see if he'd make an effort. Next time she should text or make other plans

John is unreliable and i would wonder if he was holding out for a better offer.

Jane sounds like a bloody nightmare