Partner has a wife

[TheresNeverEnoughCheese]

I don't really have anyone to speak to in real life about this so I thought I would try posting here to see if anyone has been in my situation before or could just offer some kinds words to cheer me up a bit.
DP and I both live outside the UK, in a country where neither of us grew up in or have any family. We have been together for 5 years and have a 6 month old son. While I was pregnant it came to my attention that DP is married. DP is from a country where arranged marriage (and multiple wives) is still a thing and his wife lives there (he normally visits once per year).

After I found out about the wife I didn't say anything to him and I tried to ignore it as I was scared of having the baby alone in a country where I don't speak the language fluently and I felt I needed his support. A few days after the birth he broke down and confessed about the wife and said he couldn't lie to me anymore. It turns out it is a marriage to a distant cousin that was arranged by his parents long before he met me. At the time he wasn't seeing anyone and went along with it to please his parents and maintain a connection to his culture.

With a newborn baby and no family or friends to turn to for support I decided against ending the relationship as I didn't know how I would cope on my own and DP insisted that he wants to be with me. DP really stepped up after the birth, took on all the cooking and cleaning and DIY without being asked and is a great dad to our son and I'm really grateful of his support. However, now the baby is 6 months old I feel a lot more able to go it alone than I did before and have ended the relationship. After a conversation about the sistuation it became clear that DP has no desire to do anything about it and has decided he will not "choose between us" although if one of us wants to leave him he will accept it. The wife has known about me and the baby for a couple of months but has decided that for now she will not file for divorce.

I'm hoping that he will continue to be a good dad and play a part in our son's life but I am absolutely terrified of being a single mother with no support and I'm wondering how I'm going to cope on my own. Any words of advice for a newly single mother?

I have not been in your situation but really feel for your circumstances. It must be both heartbreaking and scary.
For what it’s worth I think you did the right thing to end it as you deserve a lot better but I’m sure it must be very hard for you on a day to day basis as a result.
Are you able to come home where you would have support for the rest of your little one’s first year? Try reaching out to your family / friends back home. Then start planning going back to work and build a new life for yourself. I hope your ex keeps up the support but I would really advise to try and get your independence as soon as you can. You are strong you can do it. I wish you all the best.

Shouldn't the reason why you do/dont stay with your partner be because you love him and want to be in a relationship with him and not because you don't know anyone else in the country you are living/dont want to be a single parent.
There's no mention about how you would miss him terribly if you both separated or he's your best friend and couldn't be Without him.

Perhaps that answers your question?

Your English is very fluent and you have a good grasp of idiomatic speech.
Perhaps you had better seek a solicitor's advice in the country in which you live?

So sorry you are going through this, but it definitely sounds like you did the right thing! One of my best friends is from a culture that allows men to be polygamous, and her dad has one wife in one country and one in another. It has caused nothing but heartbreak for my friend and her siblings and mother. Such a sad situation.

As suggested, lean on family and friends, times like these is when you need them most! If you can move closer to family that would help with childcare and emotional support.

Can you move back to the UK? Make sure you know and sign up for all the government benefits you are entitled to while you find your feet as a single mum, regardless of what country you are in.

Your child's father should continue to provide support and play an active role in his child's life. If not, you can consider legal action to ensure he helps financially.

Good luck, you sound like a strong person.

@JavaQ she didn't say she wasn't English, or from an English speaking country, so that sounds a little patronising?

I might be a bot sent by Russia to undermine Mumsnet

I thought I wouldn't actually need to say that I love my partner. Of course I love him and I am devestated that he isn't going to be the person I grow old with but I cannot accept him as my partner after he hid this from me. Unfortunately the trust is gone and I find myself constantly wondering about other things he may have hidden from me or lied to me about. Also his refusal to divorce his wife is a massive issue. If he had been willing to get a divorce I would have tried to patch things up and move on but I can't live my life as the other woman.

I'm british living outside of the UK. I am considering returning to the UK but I am in a good position here with regards to work and childcare which I would be lucky to replicate in the UK and I am also reluctant to move my son so far away from his father because he is a good father and despite the fact he has a wife he is a good guy and I don't want to make him suffer like that.

Good guys don't lie and hide things from the mother of their children !!!!

You are happy for him to make you suffer ? That is ok because ??

You need to give 100% to your DS and that includes looking after yourself first. Sadly your partner has made his bed and is unwilling to give up having his cake and eating it.
You really don’t sound like someone who would stop him from seeing his child but you need to protect yourself and you current situation feels vulnerable (in the UK you can have state, government agencies and legal support should you need it).
As far as being a good dad, I am not sure I would consider him a good role model personally (irrespective of culture, he was effectively living a double life behind your back and despite having a come to Jesus moment when you gave birth, he is unwilling to put you first so you have to put yourself first to be in a best position to take care of your baby).

OP, where do you live? Is it somewhere that would come down on his side if he decided he wanted to get custody of your son?

When I read this I think of an old friend. She lost her child because her rights meant nothing in her ex partners country...
Think, get a solicitor and make yourself as safe as you can.

Has he given any reason as to why he is reluctant to divorce his wife with whom he has the arranged marriage? There can be a lot of stigma in cultures around splitting arranged marriages up, they are often referred to as "forced marriages" because the parties are unwilling but go through with it out of fear of the shame it would bring on the family as a whole if they didn't. There can be repercussions in a separation of violence on the splitting party or their family. This happens in England, so I imagine in the country of origin it could be more prevalent. There is often very complex emotions and an ingrained sense of responsibility which is hard to reason with.

I'm not saying this is the case or that if it is it's a reason you should settle for the position you find yourself in. I'm just putting it out there in case it helps you make sense of it all.

So does he love his wife? Is she the reason he goes 'home' once a year? Are they still intimate?

What country did you get married in? If it was the UK then he’s broken the law.

@ThatLibraryMiss @emzey we are in western Europe and the courts seem to favour the mother. Based on our current circumstances I am almost 100% sure that I would be awarded custody if it went to court now but of course things might change a few years down the line he may be ina better position to raise a child than me but I doubt that he will apply for custody anyway, he knows that our son is better off with me and he isn't out to hurt me or make my life difficult. The split has been quite amicable so far and I'm hoping it will stay that way.

@Needsomebottle he hasn't said if there is any reason why he is unable to divorce her although I suspect there may be some cultural pressures behind it he hasn't admitted to any. All he has said to me is that he won't choose between us but if one of us wants to leave him he will understand.

@AmIThough she's definitely one of the reasons he goes home every year although he also goes to visit friends and family and check up on some property he has. They do have sex and as far as I can tell he is a willing participant.

I would 100% leave him in that case. What a piece of shit.
Would you be so unsure if he started sleeping with a woman from work? It's the same thing - he really his having his cake and eating it.
What if she was to get pregnant and your son ended up with a sibling. How confusing would that be?

Cheddar the OP is not married to the ex.

@LittleWing80 I've said myself that he isn't setting a good example to our son and I don't want him to grow up thinking its okay to cheat and lie but there are many other ways in which he is a good dad and a role model for our son and I don't want our son to miss out on that.

Right now I'm trying to figure out what is best for both of us but it isn't that clear to me at the moment and there are advantages and disadvantages to every course of action. I really want to do the best thing for my son but you never really know how things will turn out until you actually make a decision and stick to it and at the moment it's about figuring out the best course of action and commiting to it. Moving back to the UK would mean selling my home here and giving up a god job to return to the UK homeless and unemployed which doesn't look too appealing.

I spoke to a solicitor today who seems confident that I would be awarded custody if things went to court at the moment but I doubt there will be a custody battle. But the solicitor mentioned that he could get a court order to stop me taking our son back to the UK to live which puts a dampner on any plans to return to the UK.

Obviously good news from the solicitor regarding custody but the meeting has just reenforced that this is real and our relationship is over and I have never felt so sad and alone.