I just want to be loved properly ...

[cleopatra93]

So I've been with my partner for 5 years now at the start it was great as with every relationship. We have a kid together.

I've never been a woman who needed sex but the right person could make me wild with passion and he used to do that to me. He used to take his time with it when we got intimate we would spend equal amounts of time pleasing one and other for hours. It was romantic and it was great.

Now 5 years later I won't let him touch me and I'm constantly crying. He won't come on dates with me says it's a waste my money I've even tried setting up something in the living room with blankets and candles but he would make sure he ruined it for me in some way or another. Eventually I stopped trying as I wanted to be the one who was being cherished and made to feel special but he never has done anything like that to this day. It's work home bed on repeat. He works and I work and we juggle family life. He will constantly slap my arse, grope my breasts, try and put his hand down my pants and shove his tongue down my throat but he literally makes me feel like a prostitute or like a piece of meat he can play with. It's come to me telling him to not touch me because it's always sexual ! I'd like if he just held my hand or wanted a cuddle it's always always sex related why he touches me. In bed he will ask me if I want to have sex tonight and instantly I feel deflated there is no way on this Earth I am going to give myself to someone like that. I'm 26 not 66 we should still have that passion and fire he should still be treating me like he's trying to impress me. It's like he's given up because he knows I'm his.

There no trying from him to be romantic or passionate and we haven't had sex in months because the last few times we did he would satisfy himself and then go to sleep leaving me wanting more. I literally feel like a old woman stuck in a 26 year old body. I would rather please myself than have him treat me like a piece of meat. I feel like I need to write him a handbook on how to make me want him sexually again.

Obviously this is having a major effect on our relationship. I don't feel loved or appreciated and that's all I've ever wanted from my man I'm constantly crying and we get into arguments over nothing.

Other than this he's a good man works hard and a good father. He is someone I would trust and love forever we just aren't like other couples. We aren't loving we don't touch each other anymore and we don't do anything alone. I've always wanted to get married but if he asked me today I'd say no because I don't have that type of love for him anymore.

Sorry it's such a long one but does anyone have any idea what I should do 😞

At such a young age, you shouldn't be trapped in a miserable relationship. You sound depressed and perhaps would feel better if you get some treatment. He is not a good man if he makes you feel this way, and it is time to think about your future. He is grabbing you like you are his property, and he doesn't see it as a problem. Don't marry him as it will not change, and will get worse over time. Life is too short to be in a relationship with someone who makes you unhappy.

Will he go to couples counselling like Relate? You both need to see whether you have a relationship worth saving.

If he refuses then you need to get your ducks in a row financially and split from him.

There are men out there who will cuddle you and show other signs of affection.

5 years isn't even that long to have given up. You are young so kick him into touch. Tell him to up his game or you're done.,Life is too short.

I would go to counselling on your own.

Why are you and he together now, what are you getting out of this relationship?

And do not stay with him because of your child. Is this the role model of a relationship you want to be teaching him/her?.

You should break up with him, he doesn't appreciate you

You are being sexually assaulted, and probably raped/coerced sometimes when you're having sex you don't want. Sexual assault is bound to put you off sex! I would split up with him- at most he can try to win you back by changing his ways, but more likely you should keep away from him.

So sorry you're going through this, I know what it's like- it's awful. I used to call it 'anti-sex' before I realised it was rape xxxxx Hugs. xx

Have you talked to him about how he's making you feel, OP, and if so, what's his response like?

I've tried to speak to him about it before a few times but I just say I haven't been as blunt as I have on here, as I don't want to hurt his feelings (stupid I know) but I have told him about the grabbing my arse and stuff. I wouldn't mind if there were softer moments too like holding hands, cuddling, pecking.. but it always is very sexual not loving. As for being raped he has never once forced me to have sex with him and when we do have sex I want to have it! Hence why we have not had sex in a while because of how I feel in the relationship so I don't feel up to it.

I'm going counselling myself already arranged as I am very down with a few things but if me and him were solid I think I could manage those other problems but I have know one.

I definitely need to sort it out or leave I agree. He's not a bad person just being a shit boyfriend

I'm glad if the sex is consensual, but the groping your tits and trying to stick his hands down your pants when you don't want it is not. x

This is why I need to really talk to him because it's not forced I'm not begging him to stop and he's not stoping anything I'm not comfortable with we will stop. I think this is his way of trying to be loving/romantic he's just getting it all wrong and being a pigheaded man thinking that women want that shit. I appreciate your concern though.

My first real relationship was having sex but not wanting too or only having sex to save myself a beating so I know where you are coming from I really do but that isn't what my current partner is doing.

Hi op
Just to stick up for us older women- post 50.

My sex life is not like that.
We cuddle and hold hands regularly. My dh is a cuddler , one of the reasons I married him.

Men and women are different and dh will grab my a^* sometimes , and sometimes if he's watching tv I will just stand in the right place so he CAN.

He's just being loving and fun.
(And then I go back to cooking the tea or whatever)

Do you ever grab his a..... in play as you walk passed or grab his hand when out ?
I do.

Women want romance and men tend to lump sex and love in the same basket.

Sounds like he's a good man whose got a bit complacent.

You need to re-educate him.
Not with words but with actions.

So next time he offers sex make sure you get your pleasure first!

I've just written a reply to another post where I've said that my XP was exactly like this because he couldn't understand that some women are not like some men - instantly turned on by the sight of nakedness or some smutty talk. It's like they think because it turns them on, then it must, inevitably, be sexy for us.

He could't touch me either, even after lengthy discussions where he seemed to get the point, no hugging unless it was immediately followed by a grope and a lewd joke.

He's an ex. I tried. Do you think your DH might be willing to go back to first principles? If you really try to explain how much he's 'slipped' since the old days and how you feel you've also let things slide? At least then you can say you tried, if he won't listen, well then...

I feel like I need to write him a handbook on how to make me want him sexually again

This might sound stupid but actually do this.

He should do better but he's a young man and he almost certainly doesn't realise why you are not up for it when he is and he probably thinks if you can't be bothered having sex with him why should he put the effort into trying to get you in the mood.

If he can't or won't change after you've laid it all out then really, life's too short and you should consider all of your options.

Men actually do think this grabbing and squeezing is as much a turn on for their partner as it is for them. They are delusional but it doesn't stop them. You need to brutally speak out about what you do and do not like. I think you are also a bit unrealistic to expect sex to be a long drawn out romantic encounter, in light of such busy lives. Everyone needs to make compromises as life and reality takes over and most couple find a healthier, satisfying middle ground. I get entirely what you are saying about feeling like a piece of meat though, it's fucking annoying.

From a nearly 40 year old - leave now. You have your whole life ahead of you.

@yellowallpaper All men think that, or just some? Because if it's just some, isn't that a bit rude to the others?

Thank you you've all been so helpful and to totally right ! I don't expect a fairytale romance but I don't expect to be treated like a piece of meat. He definitely isn't doing it to be mean or to be a brute he like many have said is uneducated! (I blame porn) because he must think that he's doing all the right things but I'm just being a bitch or something lol. So yes I'm literally going to spell it out to him !

And I'm sorry for the "I'm not a old woman comment" lol I appreciate older women have better sex lives than me lol x

I'd probably feel the same at your age lol

But honestly the best is yet to come. :)

My ex used to grab me like this. He’d just grab my boobs if I was cooking or cleaning. I mean WTAF!!! It made me actually feel violent, so violating it was. (I wasn’t violent obviously). It filled me with absolute rage. My body is mine, and only mine. He never understood why I was annoyed. He thought it was sexy or endearing or something, I don’t know. He didn’t listen to me when I told him I didn’t like it. I simply couldn’t make him understand. It lead to me hating him touching me in the bedroom too. I just hated sleeping with him, hated it.
For me it was one of many issues and I left.
I have had other relationships where a bit of flirtatious touching and banter has been absolutely fine and good fun because it was healthy and respectful.
If your relationship is worth saving then you need to communicate. He really must listen to you. He needs to respect your boundaries and your body. You are not his property or a piece of meat. Reading your post gave me the shudders bringing back the memory of the fury.