To get back with my ex...?

[DivGirl]

Can't work out how to name change because I don't know my password, but I almost never post so as outing as this is I'm just going to have to go with it. I need help and no one in my life is able to offer anything close to unbiased advice.

I was with Ex-DP for 3 years. We went through a lot (terminal illness with a miraculous last minute cure, issues with his DC, job losses) and we have one DC who is about 20 months now.

About 6 months ago Ex-DP decided fairly suddenly that he wanted to move away from the area he had always lived in to a very remote place where he had no friends, no family, and where he had only visited once. I didn't think he'd actually go, but he did. We stayed together for a few months but it was difficult. Almost an entirely monthly salary (and a full day travelling) to visit him. My plan was to move up if he decided he liked it, which he did.

When it came time to hand in my notice etc I chickened out, and we split up. I had a lot of people where I live pointing out how far away it was, and how mad I would be to leave my (to be fair shit but very stable) job, pull DC out of the nursery he loves etc.

Since then I have been speaking a lot to a "friend" from work, but I'm very aware that he is love bombing me. He has significant mental health issues and every time I try to break things off or cool them down he disappears and becomes entirely uncontactable. He has been referred to MH services but because of past refusal to engage I think he might be waiting a while for an appointment. There has been numerous welfare checks previously. I do like him, and we get on really well.

Anyway, every time I see ex-DP I realise everything we had, how much he dotes on DC, and how great our lives could have been together. I don't know if it would be crazy of me to just say "fuck it", chuck in my job and move up there. Life would be incredible for DC - it's a beautiful place with great schools, a huge active community, and a great way of life. I would struggle to find a job (and childcare is almost nonexistent). I do love ex-DP, and find it hard to imagine the future without him.

What would you do in this situation?

I'd go, if your DC are in nursery it would be ideal before they get too old and therefore too attached to their friends etc. You say the new place has a large community and therefore it sounds like you'd easily make friends there. What about your family? Are they loving close to where you are now? Good relationships don't come along too readily, if it were me I'd make the move....

Just a question here.....you have split up....he is no longer your boyfriend and you are no longer in his life. How do you know he will open his arms to you if you decide that you now want this life?

What would you do if it didn't work out with ex DP? Would you be able to find work there? Will he support you financially until you do find a job? Will he welcome you with open arms?

He would absolutely welcome me back with open arms, we spoke about it in very loose terms on Monday. I didn't say I was considering it, but he made it clear that if I were to ever consider it then he would be delighted.

I would say that as he has already left you and your child on a whim once, he is probably not reliable enough for you to be considering giving everything up for. You are not priorities in his life.

He would support me financially until I was able to find a job - he actually suggested before that I take some time away from work and retrain as a teacher (something I have wanted to do for a long time but have never had the money).

My family are supportive either way, they don't live particularly close now (nearest is over an hour). They would be much, much further if I moved (obviously).

Oh, and run like the wind from the other guy too.

@MrsHardbroom Him up and leaving is a serious concern. You're right - he did it once before. I doubt he'd do it again, but I don't know for certain.

I'd struggle to forgive that tbh. He left not only you but your child.

Hi @DivGirl, I am afraid I agree with the other posters. He is not someone I would risk mine and my child's future on!

When I was reading your bio, I thought, he seems flaky, and he has proved that. He did not consider his child or you when he decided to move far away. A balanced/grounded person does not do that, and especially not the father of a baby.

I could not contemplate moving far away from the people I love unless I really had to and was building a better life for all of us.

I think the guy at work is another distraction, and I would not cross the road for either of them. I have learnt a lot about my previous relationships and would now not chose any of my exes again. Why do you think, that either of these two men is good enough 'role models' for your child?

Good luck.

The work guy sounds emotionally dangerous - has this prompted you to flee?

Well done on seeing, sensing and serving all of his dodgy behaviours.

You also say that family and friends convinced you not to follow your xDP - surely that was your own decision?

Your DP has left his own DC, his small baby, you and his family and friends - how did this make you feel - were the needs of you his partner or his baby (let alone his other DCs) ever considered? If not why not?

What do you want?

*swerving not serving...

It was my own decision not to leave - but they were very against the idea and made this known. Understandably.

I wasn't actually that upset when ex left, I didn't think he'd end up staying there. I genuinely believed he would move back within a couple of months and life would have continued. I am certain if he hadn't left we would still be together - we had talked about marriage, more DCs, etc. I saw the move as something he had to get out his system after his illness, and if he loved it I was happy to follow (or at least I was when it was theoretical, when it came.to crunch time I couldn't do it).

Now we're three months down the line and I'm longing for the life we could have had. I went to visit him recently (while we were separated) and everything there is beautiful and so family-centered. I very very nearly didn't come back then, and have wished I had stayed pretty much every day since.

Can you afford to move there and get a place just for you and DS, and then see how things go with exDP?

I’d worry you were making yourself quite vulnerable. Moving so far away, to a remote area where you don’t know anyone and not working.

I'm sorry but I couldn't trust a guy who would leave both you and his baby just like that. You were way down his list of priorities clearly and he sounds incredibly irresponsible and self centered. He just decides to fuck off and leave you solely responsible for his child? Fuck that and fuck him imo

Are you not slightly bitter that he’s upped sticks and left you with the child you share? And the fact it costs so much to facilitate contact between them? I think it’s really selfish of him and I’d think twice before giving up a life to move with someone who felt they were able to basically abandon their son to satisfy his own needs. As for the other fella, he sounds terrible, stay away.

Nooo don't do it. You'll be isolated from your family and friends, and it'll be hard work to move back if you split.

Does he do the reverse journey to come back to see his baby and other DCs - or are you doing all of the running and funding of travel?

I can see why you are tempted but I personally would be very wary of making a move for someone who hadn’t prioritised me or my child when making such a monumental decision. I fancy upping sticks and moving on an almost daily basis but don’t because I have other people to consider.

Also living and settling somewhere is very different to visiting, when you generally see the best side of a place. You mention your lovebombing colleague - is he a factor in this decision?