In my 40s and thinking I might not be heterosexual

[MarmiteNewt]

NC for this ... and for some reason I feel like I should say that I have done a few NC posts recently for one reason or another - I promise I'm not a troll, Mumsnet Government 😜

Anyway. I'm mid-40s, only ever had hereto relationships, history of abusive relationships and being drawn to the wrong sort of men. Have been with current boyfriend for 16 months and recently feeling like I don't feel the way I should about him. He is lovely (not like my usual sort!) but I've asked for some time without contact so I can have some space to work out how I feel. We are not dating other people. I'm doing some self reflection (or trying to), trying to work out how much of what I feel is due to not being into him vs not wanting to let him get too close vs bad experiences with previous boyfriends etc etc.

That's the background. And something I keep coming back to is this: am I actually heterosexual? How would I know? The thing is, I do find myself sexually attracted to women (this is probably tmi but I do use porn and am only interested in looking at women, and also at 'respectful' porn, so not anything involving anyone being demeaned, disrespected, etc). I understand that it's not uncommon for hereto women to get attracted to other women, so that's not in itself a reason to think I might not be hereto but ...

One way to find out (if I end up taking a break from my bf) is to try out dating women. This was actually something I considered doing the last time I was single - I joined dating sites as someone interested in both men and women. But I didn't take it further and ended up just looking for men. A big reason for that is that I feel really bad about potentially wasting people's time - why would a confident, established 'out' woman want to get involved with a newbie who is not sure what she wants? And also ... this sounds silly but I don't feel like I know how to date a woman, although perhaps it's not unlike dating a man.

I would really welcome advice from LGBT people especially, about what might be a respectful way to explore this area. Is it common to encounter women like me, who are questioning themselves even in their 40s?

There are a couple of points i think I should make clear: first, I intend to act respectfully towards my boyfriend and would not explore this further unless we broke up. And second, I'm not at all bothered by social attitudes. I don't think anyone close to me would care less if I turned out not to be hereto, if they even noticed at all!

Thanks for reading :)

Lots of people realise they're gay in middle age, so I don't think it's that unusual (as to how gay people feel about dating these 'newbies' I couldn't say). I think the fact that you're questioning your sexuality in middle age though is a big clue.

Why do you feel
The need to label yourself. Just be attracted to whoever you are at the time. I’m hetrosexual, but I watch female porn- I don’t find men wanking at all attractive. But there is something about watching a woman enjoying herself that turns me on. I don’t think I would want a relationship with a female but I’m more certain I’d have a sexual encounter with one.

Why do you feel
The need to label yourself

Well, there are likely to be practical implications - like dating women who might care about whether their date is unsure about what sort of people she's attracted to!

I don't know yet whether I'd feel a need to label myself. But labels/identities are often important. That's a separate issue ...

As long as you are respectful to all concerned (split with your boyfriend or suggest a break in which you are both aware that you can see other people, then be honest about what you want on dating websites), just explore it and have fun. However, you must be honest with any women you may date about being bicurious (at present) and trying something new as it isn’t fair to let them think that you are gay or bisexual and interested in a relationship. That may well be the case slightly further down the line but all cards on the table is the best way to approach it.

I realised I was gay in my 30s after a lifetime of assuming that I was bi (mainly straight). It has been a long and painful road but there are loads of us out there - way more than you’d think.

Oh and also @Widowodiw I might be the same as you: interested in a sexual encounter but not relationship. Who knows, at this stage! I did see a name for that - I can't remember what it was. Something expressing sexual attraction to more than one gender but romantic interest in just one.

@Anyoneever Thank you for sharing your story - this is interesting to know! And 'bicurious' is a useful category. What you say about honesty and transparency makes sense.

There are lesbian Meetup groups or events you could go to to find out how comfortable you feel without having to involve anyone else at an exploratory stage.
Do you think this is something you'd feel able to do?

welcome to the club. haha

I think that you are bi curious and questioning if you're looking for labels. (not that I like labels)
Perhaps the only way to find out is to transition from bi curious to bi sexual. That can only be done by experimenting.
I recently had a GF who did this as she was questioning and bi curious. She now beleives she is 80/20 bi.

You are likely to have more luck if you look for other bisexual women rather than lesbians. When ive browsed certain dating sites there are quite a few who are looking to experiment rather than settle down