I wrote a topic the other day about my situation and now have reached a somewhat decision on how to continue. Long story again in the beginning, question in the end.
I want to have a chat with my partner about my worries regarding the future which are mainly related to his words, actions and mindset. He has told me on several occasions and also shown me with his actions that after work (on evenings, weekends) he wants to relax and chill and do fun stuff and he does not like obligations, responsibilities and commitments. He is also rather short tempered meaning that he gets easily upset over small things (long queue in store, something breaking, not having things the way he imagined etc) – just huffing and puffing and being gross for 10-15 minutes. Happens basically every day. Perhaps even more, I guess I have gotten so used to it, I tend to ignore and forget. When he cannot get something right in the first or second try, he throws the whole thing into bin (physically and metaphorically) and swears and blames the entire world and how "everything is now screwed up with everything". On few occasions he has lashed out very strongly and loudly. He says he just wants things to be stable and in balance and he cannot deal with things when something happens that disturb the stability. Most of the time he self-sabotages himself (though it seems he does not understand it), but then blames the whole world for his misery. E.g. – he had some tooth issues diagnosed in May, still hasn’t gotten these repaired (he can afford it money and time wise), I’m certain one day one of his tooth will fall out from his mouth and then all hell is released and the whole world is to be blamed for his missing tooth.
He has many positive qualities, too, otherwise I would not be with him. I am thinking about breaking up with him, though. But I want to let him know about the reasons before. If not for the sake of saving the relationship, then for him – to be able for him to know why it isn’t working out. It is not fair to break up and not say why; but when explaining it through break-up chat I am certain he would promise me the whole world and how he would change out of distraught. And it would be too difficult for me mentally to go through and clearly hear him out. And perhaps I have a slight hope that he might understand and change if I talk to him properly during good times? Most likely not, but I have decided I want to go through with it this way.
So I want to ask him how he sees our future in terms of we needing a house, renovating the house and raising children (things we have vaguely talked about we want in future) if he cannot cope with responsibilities, commitments and instability. My question is: if the chat goes reasonably well and he says he understands my worries and all and he expresses the desire to change and then asks me how can he change, what is he supposed to do – what do I say to him? It’s not like I have a list in my head what he needs to do at the moment or I have a magic cure. I do not know what he should do. Perhaps see a counsellor? Analyse himself? What? What do I tell him if he asks me how he can change?