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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal

22 replies

Desolate2nite · 13/11/2019 12:26

Finished with partner around a month ago, changed my number and deleted his. Felt really good because drugs were involved and it was not a good environment to be in.

However, last few days I've felt really down about the situation and am debating getting in touch with him.

Is it normal to feel like this? I thought I was doing so well but now I can't stop thinking about him.

OP posts:
NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy · 13/11/2019 12:29

Yes it's normal. But just remember how good you felt.

Poppinjay · 13/11/2019 12:31

Yes. It's perfectly normal. Even for people who have left horrendously abusive relationships.

Remember why you left. Write it down if it helps and read I put when you have a wobble.

MikeUniformMike · 13/11/2019 12:31

This is why you ended it:
drugs were involved and it was not a good environment to be in.

You did the right thing.

HollowTalk · 13/11/2019 12:36

It's normal and you need to do something now that makes you feel good about yourself and confirms your decision. Do you have good friends? Someone to talk to in the evening?

Original poster
Desolate2nite · 13/11/2019 12:44

I wonder if I could help him if I went back, he is 65 and will kill himself.

We go back a long time, 16 years together, 11 apart and back together just over 2 years. I left the first time because of drugs, really believed he had changed second time around because for the first year or so we had a great time together, drug free. But we seem to have come full circle and I'm very sad about it at the moment.

He.has not tried to contact me and my friends and family would disown me if I went back.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 13/11/2019 12:48

It is perfectly normal to feel bad about leaving him. What you are doing is difficult but you made the right decision.

Hidingtonothing · 13/11/2019 12:54

Thing is, even if they're utter arseholes and you know you're well rid, they still leave a hole in your life. So you have to fill the gap, keep busy, take up new interests, do all the things you didn't/couldn't while you were with him until eventually you realise you don't miss him anymore. Because it's not the 'whole him' you're missing, it's just the good bits and you can't have those without the bad.

It's totally normal to feel his absence, the trick is to distract yourself until you can see that as a good thing and you need a bit of time to heal before that happens. How you're feeling is a short term thing though, if you can manage to ride it out and not contact him it doesn't take too long to come out the other side. If you cave and get in touch you're just setting yourself back, you will have to start this whole process all over again at some point because the original issues will still be there. Be strong OP, you can do this Flowers

Poppinjay · 13/11/2019 13:00

my friends and family would disown me if I went back

There will be a very good reason for this. That reason will be about the harm he does to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/11/2019 13:08

"I wonder if I could help him if I went back"

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
It may well be that you are codependent in relationships and I would read a lot more about codependency and enabling.

With all due respect what can you do?. You were his partner, not a drugs counsellor. You were far too close to the situation to be of any real use here; not that he ever wanted your help or support anyway. You were wise to leave and otherwise block him and the worst thing you can do now is go back. If you love him you will let him go totally because you by enabling him as you have done this neither helps you or he. Enabling only gives you a false sense of control.

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be rescued and or saved. Only he can help his own self here.

AmIThough · 13/11/2019 13:10

You don't need to go back and help him. You've tried before and it didn't work. Don't worry about him - you needed to do what was right for you.

Original poster
Desolate2nite · 13/11/2019 13:28

Yes, everyone is right here. And yes it is only the good bits I'm missing. By the time we finished the bad far outweighed the good. I need to get a grip!

OP posts:
FavouriteSoul · 13/11/2019 13:33

It's a normal part of the grieving process when a relationship dies. You've spent many years together. Remember the good times with affection but never forget the bad stuff, the deal breaker. Be kind to yourself.

BlastEndedSkrewt · 13/11/2019 13:40

drugs involved only with him or both of you?

hellsbellsmelons · 13/11/2019 14:00

I wonder if I could help him if I went back, he is 65 and will kill himself.
Unless you are highly trained in helping people overcome addictions, then no, you cannot help him.
HE has to help himself.
He doesn't want to.
You gave him another chance already and the drugs come first.
They always will.
At 65, he won't change.
Give yourself a massive pat on the back for ending things and getting away.
Now stay away.
You cannot save him.

YOU didn’t cause it – it is not your fault that he takes drugs, it is his own private battle
YOU can’t control it – you have no power over his desire to take drugs
YOU can’t cure it – it is an illness and you do not have a magical cure!

Interestedwoman · 13/11/2019 18:23

'I wonder if I could help him if I went back, he is 65 and will kill himself.'

If so, he needs professional help. You can't help him- even if you were a therapist you wouldn't have the necessary distance.

If he threatens suicide then immediately call 999. A and E will give him the help he needs in those circumstances, and probably refer him to a consultant.

Don't try and sort him out yourself- that is a sure-fire way to you having a shit life.

Original poster
Desolate2nite · 13/11/2019 18:28

Drugs with both of us. I stopped a week before I finished with him and I won't relapse. I was clean for the 11 years we were apart before

OP posts:
category12 · 13/11/2019 18:33

So he's actually more than a threat to your peace of mind, he's a threat to your sobriety.

You definitely need to stay away.

Hidingtonothing · 13/11/2019 23:36

I was clean for the 11 years we were apart before

Then staying away from him is vital self preservation, this man brings way too much danger and toxicity to even consider going back. You were clean all that time and he dragged you straight back in by the sound of it, which tells you everything you need to know. Please come back here if you feel yourself weakening and let us talk you down, he's really, really bad for you OP Flowers

TheStuffedPenguin · 14/11/2019 07:58

A 65 year old drug user ? Sounds a great catch . Are you a similar age ? Is this how you want to spend the later years of your life? You should be enjoying yourself.

Original poster
Desolate2nite · 14/11/2019 11:34

I'm 53. I used cocaine recreationally, but of course it never stops at that, which is why ended it.

Actually feeling alot better after reading the comments. Thank you

OP posts:
WestSideSnorey · 14/11/2019 12:39

Sounds like you are toxic for each other. Both clean when apart and both back on drugs when together.

It's possible that the drugs/addiction is also putting thoughts into your head although it doesn't sound like it from what you've written but I wouldn't completely rule it out.

Enjoy your life now that you have it back OP, you deserve to live these years happy and free.

Original poster
Desolate2nite · 14/11/2019 19:40

I'm clean when were apart but he isn't

OP posts:
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