DH doesn't love me anymore

[SurvivingMyLife]

DH and I met at 19, married at 25, that was a decade ago now. We have 3 dc under 10. Eldest has additional needs in the form of a medical condition and MH condition, middle has ASD nd Adhd. And I'm really sick with a chronic health condition. I do everything at home, plus all the DS medical and therapy appointments. DH works hard at his paid job and is not very involved with the kids.

The last 18 months have been really hard, getting a diagnosis for Ds2 & DS1, me getting sicker and sicker, DH putting in longer hours because he wanted a promotion and feeling stressed by work but not willing to move because he wanted that promotion.

June last year we had the first in a series of fights. DH told me that our life had been horrible for years and he didn't think he loved me anymore and he wanted to leave. He backed down fast when I said if he really felt that way then we shouldn't be together. But he wouldn't say if the I think I don't love you was only in anger or genuine. I tried to discuss it and just got I don't know and that I wasn't to ask anymore because he'd tell me when he was ready too. Thinking about it it could be as much as 3 years since he said I love you. But despite withdrawing his love he expected our relationship to be unchanged. And I really tried, we went on for a while, till about 8 months ago. But everytime after he said I don't think I love you when we had sex I felt used and worthless. He'd roll over and sleep and I'd go and watch TV and cry. So I stopped.

But there's been so much stuff with the kids, chasing up to try and get a diagnosis for ds1, multiple medical appointments and tests and same for Ds2 it's all been pushed under the rug. DH has since gotten scary angry a couple of times which he blames me for. Last time I told him I'd leave if it happened again and it hasn't since.

Our relationship is a mess and I can't see it surviving but right now there's so much the DSs need re therapy and medical issues and I'm so sick I cant cope with separating. So I'm focused on DSs and trying to get my condition under control.

But yesterday this popped into my head again about him refusing to say if he loves me or not and I can't see any explanation for him saying that other than its true or to control/punish me. He now says I need you, but what he means I think is he needs the house and kids looked after and he wants sex, I don't really think it's about me at all. I think he doesn't love me and hasn't for a long time.

Why are you still with him? Genuine question.

Sending hugs OP.

I think you should stand up to him. No more sex. If he can’t say he loves you then he should move out. Don’t put up with this!

I still love him, stupidly. And I'm barley coping with my illness and Ds1 MH issues and Ds2 behaviour with the little support he provides. Sometimes I really need that extra pair of hands when mine aren't working well. I am completely exhausted and I can't think straight and I don't feel compotent to be making life altering decisions right now. And DH has made me doubt myself deeply.

I did say no more sex months ago. It's just one more thing for him to make me feel guilty.

a sick wife and a couple of kids with 'problems': sounds to me like he's not loving life and wants to bail out on you all but can't just walk away without looking like a twat, so if he forces you to leave him, he's not painted as the bad person. Yes, he needs you: to look after the kids, to cook his dinners and wash his socks and do all the grunt work while he pursues his great career.

tell him you want to separate, and you want him to have 50/50 shared custody, due to your ill-health and the children's needs.

he will shite in his pants.

It's an awful situation OP.
But I can see why you need him around.
But does he help at all when he is around?
Do you have family who step up and help you?
He seems to be pretty pointless at the moment.
He is just adding to your problems right now.
He is being really cruel.
There is no need at all for him to say things like this to you.
I think you need to sit down and agree that this probably won't work out long term.
But for now you need to work together to get your health and your DS's sorted out.
While that is happening, you will get on. He will not be horrible to you. He will do his fair share. He will support you. There will be no sex for the foreseeable!
See what he says to all of that!

That's pretty much what I think is going on sammybins. I wouldn't want him to have 50/50. He doesn't cope with the boys well. I don't care for his sake, but for theirs. He looses patience quickly and gets angry. I have to step in and calm everyone down. Especially with our Eldest, when he's really anxious, DH just thinks he's misbehaving and it ends in Ds1 having a meltdown because he's getting yelled at while feeling anxious. I've been encouraging him to deal with them differently and he's better than he was.

I've actually gone to have a conversation with him twice this year to say we need to separate and I freeze and can't get the words out and he turns everything around and I end up feeling guilty and apologisimg and agreeing to try harder.

Sometimes things come to an end and it sounds like this may have done. It’s doesn’t sound like their is much happiness on either side. When you say you still love him, what does that look like to you? I have heard this a few times in my life from both men and women and I don’t fully understand it. Is it a default position because when you describe what is going on and everything around it, I think why do you still love him? Do you love him or do you love the idea of being married and being a family? I went through a split and I didn’t even like my ex when this sort of stuff was going on, let alone love.

It's not a default it's something Ive thought about a lot, whether I do because I've honestly thought why and wished I didn't so many times. I've thought for so long if I could just reach him. When I think of him I feel anger and sadness but also love, I don't know why. When I think of his actions over the last 3 years I don't like him, who he's become. It's hard to untangle. Maybe it's tied up in the basic dissonance in our relationship that I can feel his actions are wrong and hurtful but when I confront him he always manages to convince me I'm in the wrong. Having seen the irreparable hurt our parents divorce put my older brother through and his self destruction following that makes me reluctant to put my kids through it. I know my parents divorce was the right thing for them and for me too, but the cost was far to high. And I know he'd make it a fight and I have nothing left to fight with right now.

Good luck with it all. It’s not easy for sure. Maybe reach out again as it doesn’t sound like he will. He does sound very hard work though and emotionally lacking.

There's no point. I tried again a couple weeks ago. He only listens long enough to find away to blame me for everything. I was just thinking about his I don't know if I love you and wondering if I was right thinking the way he's acting over this means it's actually I don't love you. He makes me feel like I'm making a big deal over something small and I'm unreasonable to expect words of love in what's supposed to be a loving relationship.

@SurvivingMyLife please leave him, you and your children deserve so much more than this from life.

He is emotionally abusing you, if you call a women's helpline and tell them what is going in in your home, they will confirm that he is abusive.

You say you don't have the strength to leave him, but have you considered the possibility that being with him is what's draining you? I lived with emotionally abusive people my whole life and moving out was the only time I realised that the reason I felt so tired/ anxious/unstable/weak was BECAUSE of them. It took what little strength I had to leave, but I did, and now I have an energy I didn't know it was possible to feel.

Please leave him OP, he sounds absolutely awful and my heart is breaking reading this post. It will do your children absolutely no favours in life to be stuck growing up in a home with a dying marriage and watching their mother being abused.

Also, if he is out at all hours it is possible he is also cheating so it's good you are withholding sex because you may catch an STI from him!

I could go through every sentence you have written and point out countless reasons why each part of his behaviour you have discussed is abhorrent and vile, but I wouldn't have the space.

We are all thinking of you. You have spent a huge amount of time with him in your life, I can't imagine how scary the idea of leaving is, but is the way you are living now really any less scary? Your sons need a good male role model, your husband is not that.

Hi op
I am disabled and unable to work, I have 3 dc 2 with serious health issues needing lots of input at home and by the medical professionals. I fight for all our care its an ongoing battle. So I understand your worries. My exdp and I split a few months ago and although I miss the practical support sometimes it was the right thing to do for me and the children the house is alot calmer, the children happier the eldest has less anxiety. On a practical note I've applied for Pip which I'm going to use to pay for a cleaner and gardener, between me and the children we have got into routines to help us all. I batch cook on my good days so I always have meals for when I'm not well enough to cook. The children have school dinners so I only need to make a lite meal in the evening. I go to bed as soon as dc go to bed. if I need to I spend all day resting while dc are at school so that I have enough energy to manage the 4 1/2 hours till bed time. I have taught dc to be as independent as possible. I've been offered adult social care assessment but refused as I'm too proud however I have had OT assessment which has massively helped improve day to day life. The dc have been referred by school to young carers (they also have a group for siblings of I'll children as well as parents who are ill.
I'm not saying it's easy but it's doable and we are managing. In your situation I'd consider counselling or meditation I wouldn't rule out separation because your worried you can't cope with the right planning, services, help it is doable. Best wishes.

Hi, do you get PIP for yourself? It's worth applying. There are people who can help you say the right things on the form if you'd like a hand. That way you'll have some money to get the help you need with stuff- personal assistants etc who can help you with the kids or whatever you need, so you can manage better without him around, and can feel more like you don't need him. Worth a go. xxx

Thanks PPs. Not in the UK, no pip here and very hard to qualify for the equivalent with my condition. I could get single parent payments if we separate, but nothing I can qualify for before separation.

Ds2 and DS3 will be starting kindy next January, non compulsory year for 4 year olds before school. Its 5 days a fortnight, 845 - 245. I'm working with my gp to try and find a combination of meds that will stabalise me, but I need rest to recover so I can deal with all this.

Stress makes my condition worse and things are tough, but they're mostly bearable. I know that the initial period of separation at least would be much worse. Unless DH pushes things I'm going to stick to my plan and use the first 6 months of next year to hopefully stabalise my health.

Something just triggered that memory and it made me think, this is all so pointless because he doesn't love me and even if he was willing to listen and change you can't fix that. And it's just cruel to tell your partner you don't think you love them anymore then shut down any conversation about it and still expect them to go on having a normal relationship with you. But it's hard to trust my judgement after everything and I can't help wondering if I'm interpreting things right.