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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Another Chance

8 replies

SadLove · 13/11/2019 09:10

I’m so confused, I’ve just ended a 2 year relationship and feel so sad. We were so in love and I thought we were soulmates and meant to be. We fell in love very quickly and had brilliant times, but my boyfriend likes a drink. Every time he chose drink over me I told him it wouldn’t work as I’ve got a 12 year old child and my life is family based rather than pub based but he kept talking me round saying how much he loved me and wanted a family life with us. I’ve given him so many chances over the last 2 years but a few months ago he took me for a meal and when we got to the restaurant I noticed he was already quite drunk. I was so disappointed that he could disrespect me like that and could even think it was ok to drive me there in that condition. I told him it wasn’t acceptable and the next day he went on an 8 hour bender and drove home. I had a go at him about it and his reaction was that I wasn’t enough for him. I know this was a defensive reaction but it made me see him in a different light. He’s always liked a drink, regularly drinking in the afternoon, which I think has made him really lazy minded and stops him being involved in the family life I enjoy. After he upset me he apologised and said he’d change his ways, but things went further downhill until I got the strength to end it. Now he’s distraught and keeps begging me to try again, promising he’ll change, give up drinking and make a family life with me. I’m so upset all the time, feel like I’ve lost my best friend and love of my life and sometimes wonder if I should try again, but I can’t get past the way he disrespected me and my feelings. We don’t live together thank god, and at almost 50 years of age I can’t see him changing now. I just think sometimes of the life he’s promising now and wish it could be true for the sake of the love we have for each other. All opinions would be appreciated, thank you.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 13/11/2019 09:13

You can't be happy with an alcoholic. They could be the nicest person in the world but the drink will always come first.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 13/11/2019 09:20

He's shown you that his real love is for drink. Well done for ending it. Time will heal.

AmIThough · 13/11/2019 09:23

I refuse to accept that he drove you to a restaurant and you didn't notice he was 'quite drunk' until you got there.

That aside, he clearly has a drink problem and you have a child to protect. What happens when he offers to collect DS from school and you 'didn't notice' he's had 4 pints beforehand?

theboxfamilytree · 13/11/2019 09:24

He wouldn't change.

Just because you made the right decision doesn't mean you can't grieve for the future you wanted with him and the good parts of the relationship. Let yourself process all those feelings so you can move forward.

He's no good for you.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/11/2019 09:30

If he really wants to change then he can do that himself.
He needs to stop drinking for himself.
That is the first step.
He has to want to do it for himself, otherwise it just won't work.
Has he joined AA?
Has he spoken to his GP about it?
I bet he hasn't.
He can't just stop being an alcoholic.
It's a drug. Same as any.
He is addicted.
He would need a lot of professional help to stop.
YOU CANNOT FIX HIM.
He will not stop drinking until he wants to do it for himself.
Save yourself.
Save your DC.
Do not get involved again.
Not until he's been sober for 1 year. Then you can consider it.

ShatnersWig · 13/11/2019 09:31

Of course he won't change. Never get involved with a heavy drinker; you will always be second best.

SadLove · 13/11/2019 09:49

Thanks, I think some people seem the nicest person in the world because they’re making up for the massive problem they’ve got.

OP posts:
SadLove · 13/11/2019 09:54

@AmIThough
The restaurant was only a 10 min drive away and he was quiet on the way - I’m probably used to smelling the drink so didn’t notice until he got out of the car and was swaying. I feel a fool for even considering a future with him now. You’re right, I wouldn’t ever trust him to pick my child up so that says it all.Thank you 🙂

OP posts:
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