Anyone who has ended a marriage full of subtle emotional abuse when still in love?

[NoFun21]

How did you cope when he was lovely to the children? Lovely to others? Intermittently kind and flattering to you? My life now is a lonely disaster and I am utterly bereft. I think about suicide all the time. I feel I have destroyed my children’s lives. How can you justify this when the jury’s were so subtle?

when the hurts were so subtle?

If you are thinking about suicide then your judgement is completely skewed already. It's impossible to know whether you were misconstruing the everyday ups and downs of a normal, healthy relationship and reading too much malice into it because you were already depressed, or whether you have reached this low point because you were being subtly manipulated.

The key issue right now is to get help for your suicidal thoughts. You can't make any other plans or decisions with sureness until you are able to think more clearly. Your children will never be better off with a mother who killed herself, so please get the help you need. Go to your gP, explain the severity of yoru symptoms (don't downplay them) and ask for some fast acting anti depressants (not Prozac - it's way too slow to start working.)

Once you are feeling more stable, you will find it easier to think clearly about the decision you made. But bear in mind that it's very hard to leave a marriage and many manipulative men are adorable in public.

afternoonspray thank you. I won’t kill myself because of my children one of whom has autism. I would never do that to them but I feel that my life will be intolerable and I they will grow up to hate me and adore him and that my
Life is nothing but isolation, exertion and struggle and I will only be resented or worse at the end of it because he comes once a week and is a lovely dad whereAs I have to deal with situations when they are grindingly difficult and I sometimes get cross and inpatient. I also feel completely alone and that I only have the deaths of those close to me Agra’s as I have elderly parents and really that’s it, no other family I this country anymore and a selfish brother overseas and my children are utterly isolated. I feel at my stbxh mercy really. He could make the children hate me. I hate myself.

I do have lots of joy in my life as my children are incredible and I love tj
Desperately but that almost makes it more painful to be offering them so little and to fear for them
So much.

Hi lovely. A mum that does the hard work of parenting and a disney dad happens a lot and the kids still love and appreciate and need their mums. My ex is and has always been like that but guess where my eldest chose to live when we split? With me. He gets fed up when he hies over to spend some time with his dad and sees his younger siblings being allowed to eat crap and stay out and up very late etc. Whenever they need something practical and need anything doing they turn to me, when they want some money to go out with their friends they ask him.

You are an amazing parent. If your husband is abusing you, subtly or not then look at splitting up. If you don't already do so and have a chance then look at getting back to work and building up your self esteem. Ignore your husband and what he says if he's abusive.

If you feel like you are having suicidal ideation you MUST treat this as a MH emergency . Never underestimate how these relationships fuck with your head
Get GP , tell them

You don’t have to feel this shit . Medication and therapy can and does help

That’s the most important issue here - you

The rest can follow

You need a better balance of parenting. He should do some of the weekdays too. Use the weekends when DC stay over with him to completely recharge yourself. Get organised for the week ahead - sort out shopping, laundry, menus and give the house a quick once over. Then do stuff that replenishes you - long baths, read books, go to an exercuse class, join a Meet Up crowd to go for a walk or to a concert or for coffee.

If you want an easy, uncomplicated, loving way to raise your children and you don't feel you are coping right now, get hold of the Positive Discipline parenting books by Jane Nelsen. They are really brilliant and helping you have a warm, non confrontational, loving relationship with your children while still being firmly in charge of what matters.

You will get there.

Need to talk to GP - ask for emergency appointment

How old are your children and how long ago did you separate?

As others say, suicidal thoughts do need action so please book to see a GP.

In the meantime practice self care, what can you do today for yourself?

If he was abusive even if covert, then he will repeat this pattern with anyone new. It wasn't you.