Not sure where to begin

[Insomniacscientist]

Anyone else married to a gamer and feel like they are the third wheel in their relationship?

No, thank God, but I know a number of people who are and who feel exactly as you do. I can only offer sympathy.

Yes, my dad is a gamer. My mum spent years upon years feeling lonely because he'd come straight home from work and go into his office to play on his game. She ended up having a string of affairs and sexual encounters because of loneliness. It's very sad as she needed lots of love and attention and would've relished in it had my dad given it to her, but he didn't. He deprived her of the love and attention she deserved. The reason she didn't leave was mainly because she wanted the best for me.

Mum passed away 3 years ago and he's still the same: addicted to the game!

@BingoLittlesUncle thanks for taking the time to reply.
@RLEOM sorry to hear about the passing of your mum, hope you have had people irl to support you.

DH is right there as his setup is in the middle of the living area however I’ve never felt so alone. He’s completely engrossed in his game. I’ll occasionally get a comment about a show I’m watching if he’s between games but it feels a very solitary existence iykwim. And don’t get me started on the noise of him scraping his foot constantly back and forth on the carpet as he plays.,
He says he’s happy for me to go out and do things and “encourages” me to do so but when it boils down to it I get accusations of abandoning him if I do so.

What a sad existence for you. Are you really expected to sit passively while he games, and if you go out you're 'abandoning him'? Sounds like he hasn't quite grown up and is treating you as his mummy instead of his equal partner.

This is no good. I’d hate it. Is he willing to listen to your concerns? To reduce his time spent gaming?

I was with a man like this, luckily not married but we had a child. He’d come home from work literally sit and count down the minutes until our son had finished watching tv and went for his bath and immediately set up his game.
He did this every single night apart from the nights he went out getting drunk. I watched tv in the bedroom to drown out the sound of him on it, we were together 3 very long years until I realised I couldn’t stand it anymore. I feel your pain

What an awful existence. You are not alone from what I have read on here.

Think hard about having children with someone like this.

I think taking over the main living space is very selfish.

Yes but with an ex-boyfriend. He would forget to give me a lift home from work and I used to have to set an alarm else he wouldn’t remember. I would sit and watch tv by myself whilst he played. We split up in the end. Best decision I made.

Surely him saying you can go out isn’t the point, don’t you want to spend some time with him. And how dare he mind if you actually do so? Abandoning him? He’s having a fucking laugh! Tell him if he wasn’t so fucking dull you wouldn’t be ‘abandoning’ him.

Yes to being with a gamer but I am too... We either game together, on separate consoles in the same room or different rooms all together. No biggie. It's How we unwind.

Would you want to play with him and he doesn't let you, or have you no interest? Have you asked him to spend time doing things together? Me and dp game but of course it's different when it's something both enjoy. My mum games obsessively and my stepdad is lonely and miserable.

Sounds very lonely OP. I would think it is not just the gaming that is making you sad but the lack of connection between you generally. Is he escaping into gaming instead of having a relationship with you. If this is the case you need to wake him up to what he is doing and give him a choice about who/what he spends his time and energy and love on.

Thanks everyone.

@billy1966 we already have one dc. According to him, I’m not going to have a good relationship with them if I don’t join in with their gaming(Minecraft).
I really don’t like gaming, I find the constant flickering/movement of the screen really disorientating. We have a series on prime we’ve been watching but the default is “he needs to shoot stuff”. He laments that he works hard and I just don’t understand.

I know this thread is about gaming but as a pp said it’s about so so much more than that.
We fought tonight(nothing physical) and I’m now in the spare room on the sofa.
I just feel really tearful and the final straw was a snide comment about me not being well. Told him that that was way below the belt and he knew it. I could barely keep my eyes open earlier and now I’m wide awake as I’m so hurt.

I’m starting to wonder if my marriage can survive. I’m not sure I want to spend the rest of my life like this. It’s not helped by the fact that his constant snoring is driving me up the wall and keeps me awake for hours on end. He tells me I should be happy because it means he’s getting sleep. There’s no compassion and/or understanding about the impact on me. It’s just a woe is me I’m a hard working man.

He’s also of the opinion that weekends are his and his alone and I must not have any demands or expectations put on him about how he spends his weekend. He does take dc to sports on a Saturday as he can do his gym workout at the same time so that suits him but god forbid I arrange anything else.

Your husband is selfish, insomniac. It also sounds as though he is addicted to gaming.

Do you have someone, a brother or brother in law, or even a good friend, whom you both like and respect who might go out with him, bring the subject up and gently show him the error of his ways?

I couldn't stand that sort of life. When you're in a partnership there has to be compromise. Your life is unnatural at present and your husband is very immature. If he's not careful, he'll lose you.

No one to help blue Russian. Probably a bit of a red flag but he has a couple of friends he’s happy just catching up with once a year. His only other “socialising” is periodic lunch catch-ups with current or former work colleagues at lunch time. This is with both male and female colleagues. He’s still “casting up” me catching up with a male friend last year that I’ve known for over 20 years. He’d been overseas so we hadn’t seen each other for over five years. We went for a bite to eat and then to the pub after for a single drink. In DH’s mind it was the drink after that turned it into a date! I mentioned in passing about my friend the other day. He responded by saying that he should arrange to go to the pub with John’s wife and see how I like it. He’s never even met John or Sarah so he was just being petty. He’d also sabotaged a catchup the last time John was in the country as I was unwell at the time and DH said that I wasn’t well enough to travel so should focus on my health(I’d been in hospital) and the family rather than travelling to see John(not I the same city as us) I suspect this was just used as leverage and that had I been in full health he would have found some other excuse.
I know people change over time but the man I married was very much a seize the day kinda guy. He’s not the man I married and I’m not sure I would have entered into a relationship with him had this been the “version” he was at the time.

Just bumping for the daytime crowd as I would really appreciate some thoughts on my latest post. Thanks

I agree with Cackling above.

Life is too short. He seems to make all the decisions about everything, what about you? When do you get to do what you want to do?

Have you told him how miserable you are?

I'm so sorry, insomniac.

We’ve not really been speaking just interactions about the basics like dinner and arrangements for dc. I was out most of today with dc and relatives

This sounds really quite shit. I’m so sorry. It’s not just the gaming (tho that is bad enough) but he also sounds like a jealous wanker trying to control your friendships. I wouldn’t be having that, myself.

I agree the fact that his hobby is gaming isn’t the problem - wouldn’t matter what it was, it’s the fact that he wants to do it every spare moment, despite the fact it upsets you.
For example, my partner is a writer (as well as having a day job - his writing is like a hobby in a sense, as it doesn’t generate much money at all, but he loves it). This weekend, on Sunday I wanted to spend time just me and DD (not his child, but he is a good step-parent to her), so I said, I’ll take her out, you spend the day writing. He was clearly pleased, but did say, are you sure we shouldn’t do something as a “family”, play some games with her etc..... And this was after we had all gone out together the day before.
Similarly, in the evenings I love to spend time cooking dinner, listening to the radio etc. So I will tell him to feel free spend a couple of hours writing. But he always asks if I’m sure, if I wouldn’t prefer him to cook, etc. And we always spend an hour before bed watching something on TV together, reading to each other, chatting etc.

What I suppose I think is, hobbies are great, especially if someone has a stressful day job, and it’s great if there is some space for someone to indulge their hobby. But no man or woman with a partner and/or family has a right to take that as a given. Their priority should be their loved ones, and there should be a degree of gratitude when one partner picks up the family/housework slack to allow the other one time for their hobby - it becomes hugely unbalanced, even exploitative, when this is just taken as a given........

@tinyvulture your relationship with DH is exactly the way things should be. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

DH has been refusing to cook for the best part of the past 6 months as “it’s not his job”
He will even dictate what shopping centre we go to. He prefers the one nearest us when one far nicer is only an extra 10 minute drive. I’m not talking the weekly food shop here I’m meaning for other stuff.

The whole situation is far messier than I’ve conveyed. We spent years where any time I said something he didn’t want to hear he would accuse me of shouting at him and for some time I would get frustrated and end up raising my voice and playing right in to his hands. In the end I got him to admit that i wasn’t actually shouting. He’s also called me crazy and psycho as part of his repertoire although he thinks he deserves a gold star because he’s stopped saying these things. He’s moved on from the name calling and so forth and just walks off now and mandates when I can and can’t discuss things with him. He arbitrarily decides it’s too late and he’s tired although he’s still up gaming for hours after, so not exactly falling asleep. Oh and I can’t interrupt his breakfast routine either because he’s getting ready for work.

OP you know what all the answers here will be, because you know yourself that this is a really shit relationship with a controlling bastard of a man and that you have to end it.
I don't know what your circumstances are, but start planning for the split. Don't try and change him, he won't, he's made that clear anyway. Just go.
You have my sympathy

Can you explain why you stay with him? I mean what positive things are you getting from this relationship? Cos you know the gaming is not the real issue here....

My ex was like this, didn't change when we had a child. In the end it was one of the reasons I left him, it was honestly like having a second child, all he wanted to do was play games and expect me to run around after him whilst he sat on his fat lazy arse staring at a screen, he is still the same now, leaving him was the best thing I ever did. I can't imagine still been with him, i felt like shit on the bottom of his shoe for years and decided I deserved better.

Think to yourself, what are you getting from this relationship?
Do you feel loved, wanted and respected? Or do you feel unloved, ignored, and disrespected? If it's the second one, then is it worth it? Do you think he will ever change? If not then, move on and leave him to his beloved games.

I’m starting to question why I’m still with him. a pp was spot on when they suggested I feel unloved, ignored and disrespected.
It was so good for so many years I suppose I was hoping that we could return to that.
I’m also not in a financial position to move/leave at the moment. He’s also the one with all the family support here as my family are all overseas. So I’m very much on the back foot from that perspective.