Am I doing the right thing?

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Hi, so I’m gonna cut a long story short here. Me and H have been together 18 years married almost 10. Have 2 children together. Basically he’s never really treated me right, he’s never been abusive or anything of the sort but I’ve basically not enjoyed at least the last 13 years of our relationship. There’s been a lot of issues that I guess I’ve never really gotten past. This last year has been dreadful, had several discussions about splitting up he was having none of it, we’d try again it would go wrong blah blah. So now I’ve told him it’s over, that I don’t love him anymore (not even sure on that, how do you know?) and that’s it. I still don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, but I also wonder if that’s because he’s father to my kids and he’s the only one I’ve ever been with. He’s accepted it (sort of) but now our dilemma is, Christmas. Do we separate fully before Xmas and spoil it for the kids or do we stay as we are being civil for now and at least let the kids enjoy our last Xmas as a family? Am I doing the right thing? My heads such a fucking mess right now 😭 please give me some advice

If you can stay for Christmas - stay. If you feel you can't - don't.
What does he say?

On a separate note - if you are not happy - you know it. If you loved him - you wouldn't be able to say to him that you don't. So you are doing the right thing. A hard thing - but right.

If you are being civil then I’d spend Christmas as a family. It could be quite damaging to your DC to split just before.

You seem very unsure about everything OP. Have you considered counselling - something like Relate?

Well... for me I knew I didnt love my ex when:

I enjoyed him going away for whole weekends
I stopped wanting to spend time with him
I disliked it when I had to
I felt happier when I had time to myself
I started flirting with another person and realised it made me feel happier (rather than guilty).

That last point is not something I'm proud of and when I did end things, I just stayed single. Leaving the ex wasn't about a grass being greener kind of situation. It was a 'grass is greener when I'm without that other person in my life' kind of thing. For me, the fact I was even entertaining the idea of someone else and it made me feel better and happier meant something was seriously wrong with the relationship I was in.

It turned out there was alot that was wrong and I didnt fully understand why until a few years later. All i know is i felt trapped and squashed. Utterly squashed. He had taken all the parts of me that made me shine and squashed them, repressed them until I was a husk of who I used to be.

I have not once regretted leaving.
I've had really shit dates, bad relationships, got into debt and back out of it since I left and not one day have I regretted leaving.

I think you need to ask yourself. Are you happier without this person? Do you relish the opportunity to be without them? Because if so, it sounds to me like you're done.

@KirstyHasLeft he says we shouldn’t do anything til after Christmas but thinks Christmas is going to be very awkward, in terms of spending time with families etc.

@over50andfab no we’ve not tried counselling as when I suggested it he refused because he said he couldn’t sit in front of someone and bare everything. Yet now he’s going to his own counselling sessions (depression) as when I told him I was leaving he was desperate to do anything for me to stay (one of the main reasons we’ve had a lot of issues is because he’s been depressed and never admitted or sought help)

So If he’s going to counselling on his own then he will (hopefully) be baring all to his councillor. Perhaps his councillor will suggest joint sessions? You could do counselling on your own too. It can help you work out what you really want. I can imagine everything must be a jumble at the moment.

I spent many years wondering what to do, what was best for all the family. In hindsight I left it far far too long before initiating a divorce. But then my ex truly was a twat and his behaviour impacted the DC. My story though is not your story, so try to work it through in your head first, whether with or without help,. It could be that his depression improves with help, who knows 🤷‍♀️