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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Go to an event where abusive ex could be?

11 replies

User2150555 · 12/11/2019 17:20

Don’t want to say much as could be very outing but there’s a professional event next Monday that my company want to send me to. There’s a high chance my abusive ex will be there and I have no way of finding out. It’s causing me stress thinking about seeing him as I’ve not seen him in over a year since we broke up.

I feel over most of the abuse and part of me doesn’t want to let my employer down (it would also be good for me to go to and if I knew he wasn’t attending I would be looking forward to going).

What would you do? It’s taken me so long to move past the stuff he did that I’m not sure how I’d feel seeing him in the flesh again. I don’t want to set myself back but also it’s possible he could be at similar events in future and unless I hide myself away I need to get over it at some point.

OP posts:
User2150555 · 12/11/2019 17:47

Anyone?

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 12/11/2019 17:54

Can you explain to boss why you don't want to go? I'm sure they'd be understanding. Are any other colleagues going? They could 'protect' you without knowing all the details.

If the event is over night I won't go, but a day only event I would plan and organise my time to reduce impact - lunch away from the venue etc.

User2150555 · 12/11/2019 17:58

It’s just a day thing. No other colleagues are going. I don’t want to explain to my employer. If I don’t go I will have to make up an excuse. So conflicted as to what to do!

OP posts:
theboxfamilytree · 12/11/2019 18:07

Will going put you at risk in any way? E.g. Of him resuming his abuse or harassment?

If it were me it would put my safety at risk so I would not attend. If that's not the case, a year isn't that long to recover from trauma. Taking care of yourself is important and part of that is tuning in to yourself and what you can tolerate.

How do you feel if you see his photo? Or do you avoid that? If you're at a point in your healing where you don't feel the need to avoid looking at his picture and can tolerate that then maybe this would be good for you and help you reassert to yourself that you're in control of your life and safe. If not, it might be a step too far.

You know you have nothing to be ashamed of, right?

Heartburn888 · 12/11/2019 18:09

If it bothers you that much I wouldn’t go. I’d ask for someone else to go in place of myself. Totally sympathise with you though, bet your stress levels are through the roof

uptheoldoaktree · 12/11/2019 18:09

If there are other events that he may potentially be at that you have to attend I agree at some point it's going to be inevitable you seeing him again.

There's nothing to be ashamed of at all but I completely understand you not wanting to tell your boss.

If you don't think you're quite in a place where you're able to face him again then maybe call in sick? Otherwise, are there colleagues that will be able to support you? Keep him away from you if that's going to be a problem?

Notthetoothfairy · 12/11/2019 19:04

I would go (of course, keep away if you do spot him). He shouldn’t have power over you and stop you from going to something which you would otherwise look forward to.

User2150555 · 12/11/2019 19:04

I don’t have any safety concerns, there’s no way he could try anything in he environment that it’s in and the abuse was 90% emotional and psychological, only a couple of times he was physically violent and no lasting harm. I know it’s not ok but what I mean is it’s not a safety concern I just never want to see him again and it brings back all sorts of shit feelings...I’m worried about how I would react if I saw him and also the possibility of having to be pleasant if even for a minute should the situation arise in small groups etc when mingling.

It’s just stress I don’t want but also this is about my job and my profession too and if I knew he definitely wouldn’t be there I would enjoy this thing for sure. That makes me feel shit too. Arghhhhh!

OP posts:
elmosducks · 12/11/2019 19:08

Go. Head held high. Ignore him. Be professional.
He doesn't get to control your life anymore.

Historyrepeatingx · 12/11/2019 22:04

PLEASE DO NOT GO

I was in a very similar situation and posted for advice here. My issue was almost word for word the same as your issue.

I went to the event and it was the worst thing I could ever have done. It was like knowingly flicking the first domino in a long line. I too was all he won't do anything, it's more my anxiety, my job is important, I can be professional.

This is what happened to me.

I went. Of course he was there. I was massively 'triggered' if that was the word by him being there and felt absolutely shit. I compensated by drinking.

He came over to me and was super charming and apologetic. He asked me out for lunch.

I wanted to make it all feel better and thought its only lunch. It will help me feel better.

I went for lunch. He went into pursuit mode. We slept together. He went cold and abusive again.

I fell into a worse downward spiral of feeling terrible about myself.

All the good work I'd done by putting some distance between us was gone and I had to drag my further flattened self esteem back to the already low level it was before I saw him again.

You think you can cope with seeing people like this but until you are totally over it. By which I mean properly in love with someone else and not still vulnerable you need to have absolutely nothing to do with men like this.

Please stay away. Don't judge yourself as being weak or mistaking yourself professionally. It is a decision you take for yourself and because you put yourself first.

I had advice here not to go and I wish I'd listened.

MellowEagle · 10/11/2024 06:20

Wow I skipped an event tonight because an abusive ex was gonna be there. I feel like if I would’ve went tonight this exact situation would’ve happened to me.

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