Stick it out until kids leave school or go?

[Mamato]

Can you give me some advice- i feel im at a cross roads in my relationship.

Been together 20 yrs. We have three children together. Primary school age.

Weve not had sex or been intimate for over a year now. Thats down to me, i just dont feel the same anymore about him. Were good friends but i just feel like housemates. I guess originally i stopped having sex with him because i felt he was getting everything but not giving anything back and i grew resentful eg i do pretty much everything for the kids, in the house, carry the mental load. He just cooks and then tells me the house is messy etc always picking fault. We both work. I suppose i just felt resentful and stopped allowing him. Tbh i have not enjoyed it the past few years anyway but felt like i had to or id suffer having to listen to him moaning about me not doing it etc. We dont hold hands, cuddle etc. He says he would do more but needs me to tell him eg clean bathroom, change the bed etc

Ive felt so unsupported through the years by him. It all falls to me to sort stuff out (house stuff, childcare, presents, birthday parties, school stuff eg homework/reading - everything) and im sick of it. Weve had words numerous times but nothing changes.

Ive also talked to him about how unhappy i am and i want to leave but he just doesnt respond then carries on as normal like the conversation hasnt taken place. The other night he tried to initiate sex (we are still sharing a bed), hed had a drink and i just felt so uncomfortable, having to move his hands off me, groping me etc. Thing is, he really loves me- says it all the time but i just dont feel the same. Its all one sided

I guess im just asking for advice on what you guys would do- stay until kids finish school or get out now?

Actually just writing all that down and re reading it- all sounds so depressing! I think i need to leave..

He says he loves you but his actions shout the opposite.

This is a toxic environment for you and toxic for the children - you don't want them growing up thinking this is normal, do you?

You only get one life.

I agree. It sounds as though you’re worn down by years of unequal labour with housework and childcare, despite multiple attempts to get him to change. What are the advantages to staying?

Thing is, he really loves me- says it all the time
Of course he does.
You do everything for him and his DC!
He doesn't have to do anything.
You have words. He carries on as if nothing has happened and then nothing changes.
He has no consequences for his In-action!
So why would he change?
He doesn't need to.
What he is doing works perfectly well for him.
So what needs to change is YOU!!!!

They are in primary school.
How long do you want to 'settle' for the kids?
Another 12-15 years.
Then what?
They are at uni and you don't want to upset that etc....
There will always be reasons why you shouldn't leave.
So... what can you do for now?
Well stop buying any presents for his side of the family.
Tell him straight up today, that you are no longer responsible for his side of the family. If he doesn't get them anything then that's fine but you will be telling everyone that it was his responsibility and he didn't bother.
I'd also stop doing his washing and ironing (not that I've ever done that for any of my Exs).
Do you have a spare room? Could you make it how you want it and then move into it.
Make the separation seem more 'real' to him?
Basically, he's a lazy fuckwit and then picks, when the house isn't tidy.
He moans about you.
Could you draw up a list of everything you do and split it more equally? I've a feeling you've pretty much tried everything and nothing has worked.
However, if anyone and then tells me the house is messy etc always picking fault I'd go fucking apeshit on his arse if he ever dared to critisise something I had or hadn't done when he does fuck all.
Why oh why oh why do you put up with it?
Would he agree to some joint counselling?

I had a very similar situation. I knew when my youngest was 9 that he and I would not last the course, but I was determined to stick it out. We finally parted when she was 19 (5 years ago). It was grim and I wouldn’t have been able to do it if XH had been around all the time (he worked away 5 days a week). On balance I feel it was the right thing for the DC. For me, not so much. I’m catching up with all the missed sex and the huge gap in my emotional development that those 10 years represented, but I’m not sure I will ever be whole again.

This is it-life is too short. Maybe its time call it a day

Very similar situation here. The difference is that my youngest DC is still at home with me most of the time. I will get out when she starts school, but at the moment, I value my time at home with her too much to return to work full time just yet.
I have completely detached from DH in the mean time. We now sleep in seperate beds and do not socialize together at all in the evenings. We function well as a parenting team and the arguing has stopped since we have detached. I find myself feeling attracted to other men at times now which I feel guilty about but I gues it's to be expected. I have no expectations of him now really, but I have started doing more- shopping for 2 hours at the weekend, hiding upstairs to "work" (I run a part-time business), leaving him to cook a couple of evenings meals a week whilst I do something else. I am getting him used to what life is going to be like when we separate. I think he will still be mortified when it does happen, but I am starting to put some routines in place for sharing the children already.
Maybe this is something you can do too until you've made your mind up x