No contact and red flags

[abyssiniam8]

I am in a fairly new relationship. I came out of a 20 year marriage and was single for 4 years. Only afterwards did I realise that I was in an emotional abusive marriage, had been lied to, gaslighted, basically a doormat.

I was not looking for a new relationship at all, and I met DP quite by chance. We have taken it slow at my request. DP is ok with that , he too came out of a marriage about 6 months before we met.

So, due to things that happened in my marriage, I think I am on high alert for 'red flags'. There is one thing that concerns me at times, but the more I read about it, I don't know if its something I should be concerned about. He has gone NC with his mother, brother and sister for a good few years. He still has contact with his dad and stepmum.

Now I read posts about going NC, most of the time on MN this is encouraged. Obviously for varying reasons.

But if you had to look at what sorts of things are listed as red flags in a new relationship (say on Google etc) then usually on that list is always something about how a person treats his parents/siblings/family.

I am pretty sure I am overthinking this, well am I? He doesn't talk about that side of the family, basically there was a big blow up at a family gathering, his brother, sister sided with their mum and they haven't spoken since. Except for some text messages regarding money. His mum suffers with bipolar disorder and other issues and is in a care home. He pays for this.

I have tried to broach the subject a few times and have been shut down each time, so its not like its a topic that is for open discussion.

So NC is a good thing most of the time, but also is a red flag....

If he were more open about it, perhaps I wouldn't be so unsure. I think it probably isn't a nice thing for him to talk about, so just doesn't.

Anyway I just wanted to get this out there somewhere and to see what others might think about it.

Aaaaand this could be how he treats you if there are any altercations. Always, always, always look at how they treat others. I turned a blind eye to my ex's bad traits and now I'm on the receiving end and it sucks.

Have you told him it bothers you? He might open up a bit more if he realises that. It might be that they were abusive to him so it's hard for him to talk about.

I wouldn't say that going NC with family is a red flag on its own. It could be, if it was in a cluster of other red flags. What's he like otherwise? Does he have old friends and good people around him generally?

I would say he probably has very valid reasons to be NC. He doesn't have a history of randomly cutting people off (still in contact with dad etc) and has set strong boundaries for his own sanity. It's way too early to be quizzing him on the why as it must have been, and still is, highly personal and traumatic. (One of my best friends took years to tell me some of the reasons why she went nc with family - and bloody hell she was justified!).

And even though he's NC he STILL pays for her care home! That's the complete opposite of a red flag to me!

Have you told him it bothers you?

No, not to this extent. I have brought up the topic when something similar was being discussed, so not as it an outright question. He spoke briefly just telling me about a fall out and then it was topic closed.

Things Yes I think its a bit soon for a full on quiz session, but I think the fact that he doesn't want to discuss it is what was making me a little uncomfortable. But, saying that I thankfully have never had to be in a position to go NC with family, so it is quite possible that I dont understand the whole situation. Sorry to hear about your friend, I think perhaps deep down he does have a lot of strong feelings about it all, and just isn't ready to talk about it.

He is a very good guy. But being in a new relationship I think I am just ott on the high alert factor.

Thanks for your posts. Its not something I have spoken to anyone else about so its good to just get it out there I think.

If it’s a new relationship then I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing that he doesn’t want to open up about something that could be very painful. In a way I think it’s raise more red flags if he was always going on about them and calling them names, saying it wasn’t his fault and being nasty about them.

Trust your gut
If something feels off it is.
I run all my little feeling like past my counselor as like you was in long marriage and stop listening to myself.

You need to process your marriage and damage that was done to you before you can see other clearly.

Yes. Small stuff like how he speaks to service staff.

What’s he like with everyone else. Waiters/ waitresses in restaurants, shop staff etc? Especially if the situation is a bit stressful?

I know people can act, but they tend to subtly over do it, and be a bit smarmy or charming if they have a hidden agenda.

Cross post

Have you had any help with processing your feelings since your marriage ended? Dating can be hard if you see everything through the prism of your marriage.

I would park this for now and monitor. I also think it’s a green flag that he isn’t opening up about this yet. That’s quite right. Also if his mum has bipolar disorder her behaviour may quite possibly be unstable and actually if he has told you that he has told you quite a lot.

When I met DP I had just gone NC with someone who was a very close friend. Someone who is now an ex friend. It was an unfortunate episode but I had good reasons which I stand by.

Sometimes these things happen.

Just park this and keep your eyes and ears open (which you should anyway for the whole of the relationship, not just the beginning).

I don't think this is a red flag at all and I'm surprised at the responses considering how often going NC is suggested on here.
For me the fact that you seem to be pushing him to talk about this when he has told you it's not for discussion especially so early on in a relationship is a red flag.

I don't think it's a red flag either.
You see so many narcissistic MIL / mothers on here.
It sounds quite healthy that he has taken the decision to protect himself and his mental health!
It's good you are looking for red flags after your previously abusive relationship. And keep asking on here if you have any qualms at all.

Thanks again everyone for your thoughts.

No, no issues of how he speaks to waiting staff, shop assistants etc. He has on occasion mentioned his ex, but at the time she was causing a few issues for him so it was more like letting of a bit of steam about the situation i think. I know he would move in with me tomorrow if he got the chance, the topic has come up and of course that is number one on the red list, so of course that won't be happening for a while yet.

Dating can be hard if you see everything through the prism of your marriage

I did go to a divorce group thing which I am not sure if its counts as counselling, but to be honest it was a waste of time. Everyone just sat and bitched and moaned about their ex's and by the time I had a turn to speak I had to leave as I could only go during a time that my dc were at a sport they did. It actually got me down more so knocked that one on the head. The negativity was alarming... But yes, new dating after a very long marriage (20 years married and 10 dating so 30 year relationship) is extremely daunting.

For me the fact that you seem to be pushing him to talk about this when he has told you it's not for discussion especially so early on in a relationship is a red flag

I wouldn't say I was pushing it, just sort of crept in within another discussion both times, but I see what you are saying.

I don't think this is a red flag at all and I'm surprised at the responses considering how often going NC is suggested on here

I am glad its not just me as it does seem to be quite a common thing, well on MN anyway. Irl I know very few people who have gone NC.

It's good you are looking for red flags after your previously abusive relationship. And keep asking on here if you have any qualms at all

Thanks Hells. I know this may seem quite silly and an unnecessary concern to some, but having come through the other side of my situation, I am thinking that it's just how it is now, a defense mechanism. I think i do take it to extremes at times though. i am dealing with that though.

Think I am very lucky to have him in my life, I think he is as patient as anyone could be. I just need to breathe deep some days though and be ok with yet another big change which I didn't plan for.

Good on you OP.
Nothing at all wrong with being on high alert.
Your life has changed massively.
It's not what you planned for.
It's still going to take a lot of getting used to!
You sound on the ball. You'll be grand!