He thinks I'm depressed

[lipstickonyourcollar]

Told husband recently how I feel about him. He is a good person; kind, supportive, loyal and a wonderful hands on parent.
I just don't love him like I used to...I was away for a week and didn't miss him. Feel terrible saying it, but it's true.

We have 2 young children, things came to a head and we talked about how things would be if we were to separate. He is still in love with me and that is the last thing he wants.
He thinks I'm feeling this lack of love due to depression. I disagree, I don't think I'm depressed at all, but do feel restless and unhappy generally. I am struggling to see the future at all. Day to day we get along fine. There are no big arguments or drama.

Has anyone else felt the same? Was it depression or was it your relationship making you unhappy? Can you get those feelings back?? I want to try but also feel I'm being fake when I'm with him as he is always looking to see if I am happy. We have been together 15 years since our very early 20s if that's relevant.

Have the feelings just faded?
Is it because no-one is making the effort to stay connected?
Do you go out together and have fun?
Do you have regular and enjoyable sex?
He may well be all the things you say he is but if you don't love him then you don't love him!
Do you think counselling would help you reconnect?
If not then counselling can help you untangle things and come to amicable separation.

Just reverse this conversation and imagine how you'd feel.

Google "Dysthymia" and see what you think about that.

My mum asked my dad to leave after 28 years of marriage, and she felt much the same way as you. After he left, she found it hadn't solved anything, and it turned out that she did have mild depression.

She has now been treated for that, and they are friends, but it completely ruined her marriage, that had lasted for so long. I'm not saying you're definitely depressed, just that you should look into the possibility before you do something you might regret that can't be reversed.

One thing I do know is that life is too short to be unhappy. So if your love for your husband has gone - which it absolutely can! - you need to take the plunge and ask to separate, as a happy life is yours for the taking!

I could have typed your exact message, lipstick.
We've also recently had this conversation, which was really hard as I could see I really upset him. He's been away for a few days and I haven't missed him at all. In fact I've felt so much more relaxed just me and the kids, apart from the feelings of guilt that I've upset him so much. We haven't really had a normal married relationship for years and are more like friends, and sometimes not even that due to disagreements about certain things.
I don't think I'm depressed either, just my mind is full of thoughts about the way I feel and what the consequences will be. I guess maybe I am depressed about how things have turned out, but my feelings towards him aren't a direct result of depression, if you see what I mean.
I don't want to fake it either. You either feel or you don't feel. We're going to counselling in a couple of weeks, not sure how that will go because it's clear we want different things.
I'm not sure I've helped at all, just wanted to say I know how you're feeling x

I think maybe I should see the gp. Just feel like a fraud as on the face of things I have a good life. I feel selfish that all of it is not enough - yet I can't say what I do want/what I want to change!!

I know we have lost a connection since the children came along. The physical side of things is up and down, we probably don't spend enough quality time together.

Thank you for your replies.

Sorry bearski - cross posted.
Glad you get it, I hate feeling like this but can't seem to shake it off.

Not with regard to a relationship, but I started taking antidepressants a few month months ago. One thing I noticed was I've done a 180 degree turn on how I feel about our house. I was desperate to move for months, constantly checking Rightmove. Since the anti-ds kicked in, I am suddenly really happy with where we live and I've gone back to seeing our long term future here. I know a husband is not the same as a house!! But I do think brain chemicals can affect a great deal.

Do you fancy someone else? Usually these feelings come when your head gets turned..

Try antidepressants with counselling and see how you go.

If after a year you're still not feeling it, then you have your answer really.

It is worth bearing in mind that human relationships didn't used to be as long term as they are these days. Marrying for life used to mean 15 ish years together, on a good run, before someone died of pneumonia or puerpal fever. It's not easy staying together for decades on end, folk grow and change so much x

I can relate, and I think deep down in your core you know the answer, it's just not an easy one to act on so you try all the other less scary options first, which is far enough!

Is it just an attempt to dismiss your feelings, OP?

When I asked my kids' dad for a separation, he told me I was mentally ill, then switched to I was depressed (well of course I was, I was carrying the entire family load and looking after five kids while he swanned about), then tried telling me that I was insane.

In his case it was all his way of trying to tell me that I didn't know my own mind, that I was being somehow 'told' what to say.

Yes Zaphod - I think part of it is him trying to find an easy explanation. There is nobody else for me, it is something that has been in the back of my mind for a while. It is a really difficult thing to admit to yourself especially when the other person has not really done anything wrong.

You say he’s a good person and everything is generally okay except you don’t have that same spark you used to. So I’m wondering if you have any idea why you’re unhappy? Unhappy is a real step up from merely being bored or in a rut. A lot of people reach this point and realise the stability and companionship is more important than swinging from the chandeliers and while it’s not for everyone, it’s worth keeping in mind. But if you’re truly “unhappy” it probably means you want something/someone else..

I could have written your post over 15 years ago.

We tried Relate, it wasn't salvageable, but counselling helped him accept it was over

We are both much happier now. It wasn't depression, I was miserable because I was with someone I no longer loved in the way a wife and husband should love