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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He doesn't treat me well, would you stay? long!

6 replies

futuremrsconnor85 · 12/11/2019 11:12

Me and my partner have been together 7 years and have an almost two year old DD. We have been having some problems for the last few months and basically I'm wondering if I can live the rest of my life with him as I don't think he treats me well at all.

Two months ago, I found out I was pregnant. I had huge mental health issues after my DD was born that still persist and I have found motherhood so hard. I simply am not ready for another child. Truth be told, I don' t want to have a second baby at all. Whilst he agreed that it was the right decision, a part of him definitely wanted me to keep it, but I just couldn't. Obviously I was upset about the decision too. Since I had the termination, our relationship has deteriorated.
He is almost always cold, distant and doesn't want to talk to me. He has a warped sense of humour and has always made saracastic comments but recently it's gotten more mean. He makes sarcastic comments like 'You can't eat/drink that, you are pregnant. Oh that's right, you got rid of it'. He works in Birmingham 2 nights/3 days a week. I asked him what would happen if I got pregnant again and how I would cope with 2 babies on my own when he is away. He said 'just do what you always do' (I also had a termination way back in 2005-not with him). Most days he says 'right that's it, we're finished'. In fact, I've been crying this morning because that's the last thing he said to me before he left for Birmingham. When I say 'no, we're not', he says ' I should get a girlfriend in Birmingham'. He knows he upsets me but tells me to stop crying and being soft. I'm not sure if there is another woman, there's no signs otherwise. We had a childfree day on Sunday and unfortunately spent most of it arguing :(
I work 3 days a week. He says I don't do enough housework, says I treat DD as an inconvenience, says I have loads of free time and I do nothing. I think I might be depressed and this relationship isn't helping. Partner earns good money and we live in a lovely house which I don't want to lose. I don't want to be treated like this though. What do i do? Sorry it's a bit fragment and garbled.

OP posts:
thenightsky · 12/11/2019 11:16

He sounds absolutely awful OP Sad I think you might find your mental health improves when he is an ex. The nicest house in the world isn't worth ruining your mental health for. I think you know what you need to do.

Simkin · 12/11/2019 11:17

I feel for you. I completely understand your decision to have a termination and support your right to do it. You had to make the right decision for you.

However I feel for your partner too. This is a complex issue. There are obviously things unspoken by both of you but especially by him and this is making him say unforgivably mean things to you.

If you want to keep the relationship you need to talk and talk and talk and I think you probably need professional help to do that. Of course your partner has to agree to it and communicate with you. If the two of you can't do this you may have to accept the relationship is over. I'm sorry Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 12/11/2019 11:23

The fact you have to ask is very worrying OP.
And he can end the relationship when ever he likes.
Just as you can.
If he says it's over, you cannot say 'no, we're not'.
I realise he is doing it to be cruel and get a reaction from you. That is exactly what you are giving him.
HIM - Right, that's it, we're finished.
YOU - No problem at all. You have every right to end any relationship. When you come back from Birmingham, all your stuff will be packed in bin bags outside ready for you to collect.
Then..... watch him back track.
YOU deserve better than this low life.
YOUR DC deserves better than this low life.
Get rid of him and do some work on yourself.
You really need to understand why you consider this acceptable.
Because it's NOT!
Stop listening to his bullshit.
Just get him gone.
And... I wouldn't be surprised if he has a GF in Birmingham.

AmIThough · 12/11/2019 11:32

He's toxic - walk away

12345kbm · 12/11/2019 11:32

Are you getting any support for your depression? Have you seen your GP to discuss this?

It might be an idea to call Women's Aid in order to discuss the relationship in more detail.

In the meantime, knowledge is power. You can call Rights of Women for free legal advice regarding the house.

Other useful organisations are the CABx and Gingerbread who can give you lots of advice on other issues such as parent groups, soliticors, benefits, child maitenance etc

AFairlyHardAvocado · 12/11/2019 12:31

This relationship has obviously gotten toxic and is bringing out the worst in you both.

He is being an arsehole and so nasty. You say "no we aren't" when he says it's over. You both have the right to finish the relationship if you want out.

This doesn't sound fixable so surely it's better for your little one if you separate now before it gets nastier and you can be two healthy and happy parents who don't live together rather than staying under the same roof being so unhappy.

I wish my parents had split up much earlier than they did and always feel sad when they say they stayed together for me.

I hope you manage to find your happiness OP and I'm so sorry you're being made to feel this way about an incredibly difficult decision Thanks

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