Baby angst

[Wap83]

Hi all, I really don’t know why I’m posting here, I guess I need to vent and try and figure out what the hell I want!

Backstory: I’m in a long term relationship (17yrs) not married. Embarrassingly I have had 3 abortions 1 at 18 1 at 26 and 1 this year at 35. With each pregnancy I had the initial omg my life is over and then as i go through the appointments to end the pregnancy my feelings always leaned towards keeping baby but my OH is dead against children altogether, the last abortion was really hard, I said it wouldn’t be so bad if we kept it and he said whatever I’ll stick by you but then in the next breath he said it would ruin our lives and he really didn’t want kids so I guess hormones all over the place I wasn’t really thinking and just went along to my appointment I really don’t think I wanted to but looking back I don’t know what I was thinking.
We chatted briefly afterwards mostly me saying I didn’t know what I wanted but that I thought I’d regret not having kids and that I might end up resenting him, he basically made a joke of it and said stuff like I (myself) can’t decide what I want to eat let alone if I want kids or not.

Anyway his childhood friend (who he used to chat to about all their friends wrecking their lives having children) called tonight to announce his wife is 12 weeks pregnant today! I heard the conversation and started welling up, tears streaming down my cheeks, trying to hide, made my excuses and jumped in the shower, I’ve avoided talking about it and so has he, he gave me a big hug after my shower like he knows I’m upset.
I just don’t know what I’m feeling!
I think I’m angry....angry that his childhood friend who used to say he was never having kids even up until last year is now a happy farther to be, I know he hasn’t brainwashed my partner but every time they would meet up they had the same conversation kids, no more holidays, no more nights out, ruined lives etc and now he’s going to be a dad!

Maybe I’m angry the my OH will probably never change his mind I don’t know I still don’t know if I really do want children I’m so confused and upset right now I don’t know what to think 😢

Don't miss out on the chance of being a mum if that's what you really want. You won't get the time back - it's now or never.

If you really want a baby, go for it before your chance is gone. That may mean leaving your partner and looking for someone else if he really doesn't want to be a Dad. If your heart is broken now how are you going to feel when they get their baby and you see it 😢

I totally get you. One friend told me that she was “sticking at one because she had lucked out”, I had secondary infertility and multiple losses. Her rationale about one helped me, then she announced her second pregnancy i felt

I’m so sorry mermaid 😢 I felt massive guilt about my last abortion as my close friend was struggling to conceive at the time she was the only one I felt I could talk to too. She’s happily 8 weeks pregnant now and I think I’ve kind of stepped back from her too....I want to be so happy for her but feel so upset whenever she talks about it.....it doesn’t help my OH constantly remarking on how silly they are to be having another child...I snapped last week and said they really want it so leave them be, I really don’t think he understands how amazing it would be

I really don’t think he understands how amazing it would be.

He doesn't want children though op. I don't either so I really really don't think having children would be amazing at all.

You clearly do want children so you need to make a decision whether you should leave him to find a partner that does want them.

This is the one thing there is literally no compromise on and he is being honest with you in saying he doesn't want them.

You need to decide what you really want OP and if you want children I don't think you can have them with him.

The alternative is that now his friend is having a child he changes his mind so they can be dads together, not because he wants a child with you.

If you choose to definitely not have children, please look into a more permanent form of contraception to stop yourself having to go through this pain again.

He doesn’t want kids with you and is clearly stringing you along. I bet if you broke up with him and he met someone else his stance would change - how would you feel if he then chose to have them? Suggest if you want kids then you give him an ultimatum (and stick by it) or leave and do it alone with a sperm donor etc.

Yikes, sorry OP.

Even though you're not 100% set on being a mum, the fact that you're so upset at your current situation suggests that you, deep down, probably are.

On the face of it, you have a few choices - A) stay with your partner, don't have kids, watch your friends' kids grow up and continue feeling like you're missing something. B) tell your partner you want kids, set out your case clearly, hear what he has to say but ultimately issue him an ultimatum. C) leave and find someone who does want kids/investigate sperm donation.

However I do have a few questions. Why did you choose not to get married? Obviously it's totally up to personal choice and marriage isn't for everyone, but what I'm wondering is whether your partner is just a bit anti-commitment/anti-tradition of sorts.

Secondly, are you otherwise happy in your relationship? Is this the major issue, or do you have other problems?

The last thing I'd add is that 35 is a bit of a landmark year in the baby-making game. As women we're all told that's when our "fertility falls off a cliff" etc etc. Do you think your strength of feeling could in a way be down to that?

Please go and get yourself some counselling OP.
It sounds to me like you do want DC.
At 35 you don't have time to fuck around with this guy.
He sounds like a judge mental asshole by the way!
How long have you been together?
If you agreed to never have DC and have now changed your mind, you can separate and find someone who wants the same as you.
In the mean-time, please use 2 forms of contraception so you don't find yourself in the same situation again.
You are finding terminations harder now so please do what ever you can to ensure you aren't in that situation again.

To answer some questions - we’ve been together 17yrs - we did get engaged but at the time he was away a lot overseas and I guess we decided buying a house was more important - now we aren’t getting married more because of family and pressure to do it a certain way we both have very different ideas about what the perfect wedding would be and so we chose not to bother, that and the cost, we’re obviously in or late 30’s and understand the 25k on our mortgage is a fair few years added.

I don’t think we’ve ever really discussed children and the early pregnancies he just said not now ...not not ever
The last one this year after the initial shock I thought we could make this work when I called him to tell him and said you know it’s not that bad if a thing was when he said he’d do whatever I wanted but then crumbled and said he never wanted kids.
He has lots of valid reasons - he works away a lot during the week - we have no family around us - he remarked he’d want me to be able to not have to work and we don’t have the money for that - when I say people manage he says he doesn’t want to just manage.

I’ll be honest I think he’s a little bit of a man-child and likes not having any responsibilities he loves to get home on a Friday get straight out to the pub and fall through the door later that night, I think I’ve grown up a bit more and I’m getting tired of going out and getting wasted I really just want the nice family days/nights I guess

Our relationship is that of a 17 year long relationship, we laugh, we scarcely argue, we enjoy pretty much the same things and I can’t imagine my life without him in it tbh.

Maybe it is because my biological clocks tick is getting louder and these feelings will pass

Will you be happy spending the rest of your life like this. With someone seemingly unwilling to grow up who is happy to remain like a person in their 20s - no responsibilities

Alongside the biological clock you clearly want more, and it looks like it is more than he wants to or can give

You say you cant imagine life without him - but partly that is because you never had life without him

Very true we’ve grown up together

Yes but have you also reached the point where you have grown out of each other

my biological clocks tick is getting louder and these feelings will pass
When do you think they will pass?
You have another 10 years of this tick-tocking!!!
And the urge increases - doesn't decrease!
I agree with PP.
I think you have grown up and he hasn't.
You are a different person 17 years on.
As you should be.
But he is not.
He is the same person.
In 17 years you haven't managed to even compromise on what wedding you want.
It should NOT be about the wedding.
You are getting MARRIED.

The wedding day means nothing. It's about the bond and the financial security marriage offers.
I think you posted because you are having the same doubts.

I'm 43 and STILL craving a baby - in fact the craving for a child has got stronger since I hit my forties.
I can't have a child so I wish there was some medication I could take to stop these feelings!!
But OP you've potentially got at least ten childbearing years left - make the most of them if you want children!