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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My life the last 6years......

19 replies

queenjolo29 · 11/11/2019 20:40

Hi, I'm just doing this to keep me in the right track with everything, any advice along the way would be good.

Where do I start.
6-7years ago I met my girls dad. I have a son who's not his. He has two other children.
We started of has just friends bit of fun at the weekend etc. He came across has fun charming hands on with his other children.I then fell pregnant with my 2nd child and we decided to give it ago, was spending time together anyway so thought might has well. That's when I started noticing the real him. The nasty angry self centred bloke he really is. While I stayed at home at weekends or out with my son he spent EVERY weekend in the local pub. If he wasn't at the pub he would be at home moaning about anything and everything. The tension that filled a room as soon has he came in it was awful. He treated my son ok at first, soon changed. He couldn't come into the front room without him moaning about something. He was never interested in anything he did or me. The bloke who I thought was involved in his previous children's life was nothing but that, he barely sees them and when he did it was only because he popped into his mum's when they where their. Weather he knew they was Thier or not. Doesn't pay for them or sees them but has them tattooed over him..... I thought once we had the baby he would change but if anything was worse. I have never been bullied in my life until he came into it. The way he used to speak to me was disgusting specially if he had a drink. We did come to blows twice. I literally couldn't do it anymore listening to him on one of his drunken ramages I lost it and we ended up fighting..... I then fell pregnant again with our 2nd child, the drinking countined so much so that when I went into labour I couldn't reach him and he missed the whole thing. He showed up the next morning stinking of drink. I kicked him out after that. But took him back time and time again.
This is pretty much how my life has been for the last 6years.i finally kicked him out for good 8months ago. BUT it's like we are still together cept he doesn't live here. The first 4months we broke up we hardly saw him unless he run out of money. Hes now decided he's a changed man AGAIN and hasn't drank for 4months but still has an awful temper and only really cares about himself. He comes round mine every single day and it's just to much. My issue is I either tell him to do one once and for all which means he won't bother with kids even tho he don't really anyway (him sitting in my house everyday makes him a dotting dad apparently) or stay like this till he meets someone else.... He does give me maitance now 50per week that will stop if I say no to. I feel like I'm in a no win situation. There's only so much more I can take tho. My girls love him that's the only thing stopping me from telling him to fuck off.....
Soooo that's it really sorry it's all over the place abit like my life ha.
I have no idea how to move forward with someone like him

OP posts:
SittingAround1 · 11/11/2019 20:46

You need to kick him out for good and set up an arrangement for him to spend time with his children (if he wants to).
Is he unemployed? I ask as how does he have time to spend at yours everyday?
You need to find out how much officially he should be paying you for maintenance.

12345kbm · 11/11/2019 20:48

You know what you need to do, you need support to do it. He sounds awful OP and you don't deserve to be treated like this. He needs to be out of your lives.

There are several things you can do:

  1. Get in contact with a Domestic Abuse organisation, either Women's Aid or your local organisation which you can find here: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and have a chat with them about what resources they have locally. They might have support groups or one to one counselling, anything that can provide support to you.
  1. Contact Gingerbread who are an organisation for Single Parents. They have links to local single parent support groups and can give you advice on child maintenance and anything else you need to know about benefits etc. CABx can do the same. Have a look at their website.

All this drunken chaos is really unhealthy for your children and they are learning about relationships from your behaviour. It really has to stop.

queenjolo29 · 11/11/2019 20:50

He won't have then unless at mine. He says he has nowhere to take them. He can go to his mum's or band it's just another excuse but he won't do it. And he does work,he used to work in the rail way very on and off,now doing his own thing, this is the longest he has been working for so far. He does help with money for Xmas and the girls bday but don't I know it....

OP posts:
queenjolo29 · 11/11/2019 20:53

Nana* sorry my typing is awful

OP posts:
12345kbm · 11/11/2019 20:56

Of course there are places to take them! What about a park? Swimming? Soft Play? Unless he lives on a park bench, he has somewhere to go. Stop making excuses and start putting your foot down.

Interestedwoman · 11/11/2019 20:58

work= 'doing his own thing'

What is it he does?

queenjolo29 · 11/11/2019 21:00

He hasn't been drunk in this house for a year, I would refuse to let him in if he was in the pub which normally ended up with my car being done in or threats to go to my parents house 2mins away. He was awful writing all this now it's madness.

OP posts:
queenjolo29 · 11/11/2019 21:03

He started his own company doing waste removal etc with his friend but can't see it lasting every day I listening to him going on and on he's had enough with it etc.
I've tried telling him to go soft play park etc he wouldn't do them when we was together let alone apart. That's the reason he comes here because he doesn't have to do anything. I'm not stupid I know all this.but when I have to girls asking if daddy's coming it breaks my heart. Even tho they deserve 100x better than him 😔

OP posts:
12345kbm · 11/11/2019 21:03

Stop making excuses OP.

He stopped drinking four months ago.
He goes to your place every day.
He hasn't been in your place drunk for a year.

This isn't making sense.

You either want this to stop or you don't.

queenjolo29 · 11/11/2019 21:12

I know it doesn't make sense.
I'm not very good at explaining, I meant he hasn't been drunk here for a year drunk we was still together I refused to let him jn that's if he showed up at home he would then walk to his mums.
Sorry it's not making much sense I'm awful at explaining and writing it all down.
If I had my way he would pick the girl's up n drop of on a schedule.i have nothing to do with him. Which he also refuses has he's not having me dictate when he has them.....
My point I'm trying awfully to make is it's either staying in this werid not together but together situation or end it which will end my girls realionship with Thier dad.he will not make an effort 😣 How am I Spose to do that.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 12/11/2019 02:14

Tell this violent twat to fuck off for good. Go though CMS if you want support.

You're vastly overestimating how much your DC care about him. If he's managed to fuck off out of their lives for 4 months and does nothing for them, they won't give him a second thought once he's gone.

Your DC are already getting the idea that this is how daddies behave.
I don't think you want to model to them that women pander to drunken violent assholes.

Tell him to get lost. Let him figure out visitation himself. You said he won't make the effort, then that is his choice. If he chooses to stay away, you'll all be better off without his shit influence.

He shows up at your door uninvited, don't answer it. If he kicks off, call the police on him.

champagneandfromage50 · 12/11/2019 09:11

Do not use your DC as an excuse to maintain this toxic relationship. You are ensuring your DC are growing up thinking this is ‘normal’. Maybe you need to refocus your mind and stop the cycle to protect your DC

SittingAround1 · 12/11/2019 12:39

It won't be you ruining your girls' relationship with their father, that is on him and it doesn't sound that great.
You need to get him out, with a fixed contact arrangement in place, at his mum's sound best.
It doesn't matter if this isn't the most convenient for him.
Do you feed him when he comes around as well ?
You have no obligation to continue this arrangement.

queenjolo29 · 04/12/2019 15:32

Well I'm still here. We had a good few weeks, still wasn't together but he was round seeing girls we where getting on well, no aurging etc after writing my last post, but now we are back to square one. I lost it today and I've blocked him on everything. He's back in the pubs not paying for kids lying etc. I thought I was over it all but today I feel like we've just ended again. I feel such a fool I'm going to have to unblock him at some point to sort girls. Such a mess again.

OP posts:
pog100 · 04/12/2019 15:55

It is NOT good to have this man and his relationship to you as THE role model in the lives of your girls for how men should behave. Far from being good for them to have this sort of contact, it is very damaging and will have life long effects. YOU must be strong and keep him away from you and them. You basically know it already, but you need to believe in yourself and get rid. Oh and stop putting yourself down about your explanations, they are just fine, you are just het up when you are writing!

Barsh · 04/12/2019 15:59

Just block him, don't let him in - you don't need to sort out the girls, if he wants access he can go to the courts for it. He won't.

queenjolo29 · 04/12/2019 16:23

I do know it already I've known it for years, it's cutting the last tie so to speak. Will try to keep him blocked. I do feel it has affected me mentelly over the years. I'm a shadow of who I used to be 😭. Having know one in real life to talk to doesn't help. Literally
been walking past my best friend since I was 3ish, just the odd you ok to each other.

OP posts:
queenjolo29 · 05/01/2020 01:01

Still here, last few days have been hard for me, I'm not sure why, well I do know why my head is just sooo messed up. I will never get back with my ex, he's finally moving on slowly, the trying to get back with me is stopping and I'm finding that a struggle, why?? Me nor the girls have seen him since boxing day no maintenance since before Xmas, he was spose to come this afternoon but text me at 4ish saying can we do Monday instead, I knew this was how it was going to be, and yet the wondering what he is doing is driving me crazy. I must be so messed up.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 05/01/2020 01:11

Just focus on your DC and doing what you need to.
He is not going to be an engaged parent, you know this already.
Don’t take the blame for his shit involvement. Just say that Dad has postponed.
Don’t let him dictate activities, if you have something planned, stick to it.
Good luck

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