Please, can anyone help?

[Mars72]

Hello,

I am looking for help and nearing desperation. I read other threads to see if there was anyone in a similar situation but it seems that while my situation is not unique, it is uncommon. I'll try not to drip feed.

My husband and I live in London but we are not British and don't have any family here, only our 10yr old son. I only have one friend who lives in Kent and has her own problems to deal with. I am partially deaf and being considered for a hearing implant at the moment. I used to work as receptionist but I have been made redundant at the end of my maternity leave. I wouldn't be able to find a job of similar nature as my hearing has been declining steadily, so I have been doing odd jobs since then, no fixed employment.

I am very lonely and resort to online forums and twitter to have some sort of "human" interaction, only to talk about TV shows, nothing else. My favourite is Strictly. My husband has a real issue with that and he cannot understand why I keep talking to "strangers" on the internet. He opened my twitter ( I never log out as I have nothing to hide) and took a picture of private messages I exchanged with another Strictly fan who has a Strictly blog that I've been reading for over 10 years. Said man is gay and married to another man btw (typical strictly demographic), the messages had absolutely zero private content, I only mentioned that I was in a park with my son at that moment and he was throwing sand on my head and I naively made a joke along the lines "Never have kids". My husband came to me with the screeenshots, livid wanting to know why I was "disclosing our private life to the world". This is just one example of the many things he does. He wants me to find a job but he wants me to work where he decides appropriate (well, besides being a bully, he's not very clever and keeps suggesting jobs that I have no qualification to do it).

We live in social housing and I was the one who fought tooth and nail to get this flat, he did zero to help. My son was born with several health conditions and he never bothered to properly understand them, he left everything for me to handle. He never bothered to understand what it is for me to not hear properly and whispers instead of talking at a volume I can hear purely to spite me and start a fight. Same with my son's secondary school application process. I did all the research, the visits, the paperwork, the online application. I had horrible depression as soon as I knew I was pregnant and it lasted well until my son was around 3 yrs. When I finally started meeting other new mums via FB groups and living a seemingly normal life again, going out for coffee with them for example, he managed to put a kibosh on it too. He keeps dragging the past and is unable to move on, he uses things that I have done - mainly in his own head - and accuses me of being dishonest(?)

He demands I spend all my free time with him, sits beside me on the sofa to watch telly at night, demands that we hold hands and he keeps pawing me all the time. It makes me to want to vomit.

I have no income (I am desperately looking for a job) and depend on him completely. He is not good with money, I manage the household budget but he always spends on unnecessary things and we are in debt.

I tried to leave him several times when we were dating but he always talked me round (ok, call me stupid now).

I've been putting up with all that because my son is an only child and we have zero family here. I genuinely don't know the impact a separation would have on him as he is a very sensitive soul and he adores his dad.

I am sorry for writing such a long message but the tears have started now that I am writing all of that. I had a suicidal episode back in July and I managed to hide that from him and my boy as I was afraid he would use that to take my boy away from me. When I fell pregnant very unexpectedly, I wasn't sure if I was going to keep the baby or not. He threatened to tell that to my son when we had a fight the day before mothers day no less. He is always arguing with me in front of our son and that can't be healthy for a child but the thought "take him away" from his son fills me with dread and that is something that he would certainly blame on me.

To top it all, I am 100% sure he's having an affair with a work colleague half my age and I found out he's been viewing not only a lot of porn (fine with me) but he's been on that livejasmine webcam site which is a lot more sinister. All I really want is prove, evidence, that he is a controlling, cheating and gaslighting bastard so I can take action without fear of being accused of things I never did. I really would give him the chance of leaving with his dignity intact as I really wouldn't want to tell my son his dad is a cheater. "I found this evidence, please leave, don't make a fuss, let's be civil for the sake of our boy".

I am sorry for writing what seems a novel but I have no idea what to do.

Oh my this is a lot to deal with. I'm so sorry OP.

I don't have much advice aside from that you deserve so much better. Hopefully much more experienced MN users will be along soon to help

You can take a look at the CABx website: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/ See what info there is on being a single parent. They can provide immigration and benefit advice.

There is an organiation called Gingerbread for single parents who had advice lines and information on getting back into work: www.gingerbread.org.uk/ They also have single parent support groups.

There's an organisation called Rights of Women who provide free, legal advice on immigration and family law: rightsofwomen.org.uk/

See your GP regarding the depression and suicidal feelings. There is information here on how to refer yourself for counselling: www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/free-therapy-or-counselling/

Mind www.mind.org.uk/ and Saneline www.sane.org.uk/what_we_do/support/helpline can also give you advice and support. You can also contact the Samaritans if you feel suicidal: 116 123

As well as the great organisations 12345 has posted about I would also urge you to contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247. They can also advise you re leaving.

Re your comment:-
"'ve been putting up with all that because my son is an only child and we have zero family here. I genuinely don't know the impact a separation would have on him as he is a very sensitive soul and he adores his dad"

Neither the reasons you cite are reasons really, let alone good ones, to stay with your abuser of a husband. What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here from the two of you?. You are teaching your son that currently at least, this abuse from his dad is acceptable to you on some level.

s parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective we might question the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children.”

If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright.

You do not need any more proof than you already have and you only need to give your own self permission to divorce him. This man is also conducting an affair under your very nose. He thinks you are a right mug and he probably also thinks that you would put up with any old nonsense from him. He has no respect for you or your son whatsoever. Abusive men like your H will never be civil and will also remain difficult and obstructive post separation as a further means of trying to exert power and control.