How do I get my new SO accepted by my ex?

[user1482949820]

Hi there. It will be three years in January that I told my now ex husband that I wanted to divorce. Things hadn't been going well for a couple of years and despite me bringing it up a few times and trying to talk about how we could improve things (we also went to therapy) my ex didn't really make any changes so in the end I decided we'd be better off going our separate ways.

We are still amicable and I still see my ex stepdaughters (all in their thirties now as my ex is significantly older than me) but on Saturday my ex and my current partner (who I've been with for a little over a year) were at the same birthday party. First time they were in the same place. At the end of the evening and I went to say goodbye to my friends, as I approached a friend who was sitting next to my ex, my current partner introduced himself to my ex. Very kindly, he offered his hand and introduced himself with a smile. My ex didn't even get up, didn't smile. Uttered his name and shook my partner's hand. I felt really bad for my partner who later asked me whether he had done the wrong thing. I think he hasn't - he's done the polite, grown up thing. My friends, who are also my ex's friends, surely are entitled to invite us both (with new partners) without either of us making things awkward? I was surprised at my ex's reaction because he's always been a polite and kind man. Since my new relationship has become more serious, my friends have tended to invite me and my new partner to gatherings, and not my ex. However this was an important birthday party and we were all invited. And I'm sad and disappointed at the above. So how can I get my ex to accept my new partner? I didn't leave my ex for anyone else and we were on fantastic terms when we broke up. We even still went out for 'family dinners' with the kids. However it seems that despite it's been nearly three years since we parted (we were together for 14) my ex is not ready to accept a new person in my life (I know he's been dating too). Any suggestions on how to overcome this would be very gratefully received as besides the awkwardness, I a keen for my ex to be comfortable if our friends decided to have everyone over again. Thank you.

I don't think this is your problem to fix. It doesn't sound like you share children so there is no need for him to be pally with your new partner. If your ex feels uncomfortable that is his problem.

Do not give him the power that you give a fuck...
Plenty of others to chat to.
He will look the petty one.

I just re-read that, you do share children. But as long as he is polite and doesn't bad-mouth him to the kids then I don't see a big problem. He doesn't need to be his mate.

Others have way more experience than me but I don't think there's anything you can do is there? I agree he's being immature and stupid but you can't really stop him being immature and stupid if he feels that way.
I think at best a mutual friend, maybe one who saw the interaction could have a word, without mentioning your input.
Given that he doesn't seem to have been actively hostile though, I think I'd just get on with life and put up with a bit of frostiness until he comes to his senses.

He said his name, shook his hand. That’s good, just leave it!

I don't think there is a chance in hell that your Ex "accepts" your new partner, not in a million years never mind 3.

The first issue is that your new partner has already usurped your Ex in both your life and also in your social group as he is generally no longer invited out as your DP is instead. He has been ostracised from his group of long established friends because you've gotten into a new relationship.

This isn't your fault and you don't need to feel like it's your responsibility to change that but he obviously isn't going to like it and he isn't going to be all chummy with your new partner.

Your best bet is to just forget about him and the situation because if you took a step back and realised how hard this must be for your Ex you would be in danger of feeling bad for him.

Why do you think this is something you should or could fix?

He shook hands, what more do you want? There is no reason to expect them to be friends.

Thank you so much for all the comments. A couple of things:

We don't share kids - it's stepkids. They are my ex's daughters and we are still quite close.

I'd like to 'fix' this because I still feel guilty at leaving my ex. Especially because before me he was left by his first wife after 24 years. And because overall he's a nice guy.

And I would like our friends to be able to invite us all (there are some friends who have stopped inviting me but they were more my ex's friends than 'ours').

I wasn't hoping for my ex and my current partner to be chummy but (naively) I was hoping that in future we could all go to the same (dinner) parties. My ex stepdaughters have met my current partner and they were absolutely lovely to him and he really liked them too. Maybe I had unrealistic expectations.

Thank you again for all the feedback :-)

I think you’re expecting a bit much, he shook his hand. He didn’t swear at him or be unpleasant. I’m not saying his behaviour was great, but it doesn’t sound like a scene.

You can’t “make” anyone do anything & I would be wary if was your new partner that you’re still worrying about your ex’s feelings and accomodating them too much. Like, why do you think this would be your problem to fix ? You say you still played happy families after you broke up with dinners etc...but realistically those rituals tend to die when new partners come onto the scene.

Just focus on your new relationship & stop stressing about your ex’s feelings here.

Yes I think you were optimistic but naive. Usually mutual friends will pick a person & after a break up it’s common to lose touch with some friendship groups.

You’ve won the friends in this breakup. He will either learn to accept it & still be in the group or he won’t & drop out of the circle

But you need to stop letting guilt guide you. You were not happy & chose your happiness. You only get one life, don’t let senseless guilt dwell in your mind.

Do you tend to be a people pleaser?

I don’t think it’s a big deal to be honest. His kids are old enough to see you without him even knowing and he did shake his hand. Not everyone wants to be Bessie mates with the new partner of an ex.

I don't really understand why it matters what he thinks if you don't share children. It's not like you have to be in each other's lives all the time.

Let him be miserable about it, it's not your problem.

It sounds like I should stop worrying about his feelings. It's probably a selfish reason why I do, because the moment he's OK again I will stop feeling guilty I guess. Good to see a fairly united stance among you - thank you again for all the input. It's really helped.