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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Getting over someone-the positives

9 replies

Unknown199318 · 11/11/2019 12:41

So I don’t want to drag this on too much but to try and keep it as brief as possible (it’s probably still going to be so long) I was with someone for just under 2 years. Moved in pretty fast (a couple of months) and he began to become really emotionally abusive. He’s denied this all along and has always blamed me for his awful out-bursts (over the most ridiculous things). He’d call me awful name and just scream at me whilst most of the time i sat there quiet.
There was a few occasions where I’ve exploded and he’s always hung on to these times.
He suffers with his mental health (depression and anxiety) which he is in denial about most of the time. I believe this has a big part to play in how he handles most situations.
For the past 6 months there have been numerous times where is has ‘finished me’ but it’s not really been followed through. I have always tried to make things right and take the blame for everything just for an easier life.
He found out about a year ago he has a child from on ONS that he has absolutely nothing to do with, he just pays money through CSA.
Around a week ago, I exploded again and have finally had the courage to leave. I 100% know I am doing the right thing. When I exploded I did end up saying some quite mean, but true things.
I have since messaged to apologise. Not to get back together or anything, simply for my own piece of mind. I’m not a mean person and would hate to think that anything I have said to someone has hurt them. My reply back from him was that he’d never forgive me and I was a terrible girlfriend. I did absolutely everything for him at home, he was so lazy and made 0 effort. I am just so angry about it because I made so much effort and he’s just being a t**t about it.
I don’t really know the reasoning behind my post, I guess I just want to hear some break up stories that have ended up positive.
All though I know I did the right thing, I am really struggling to not blame myself. I really wanted it to work and I feel like I wasted so much effort on someone. I know it was the right thing leaving but I keep thinking maybe he’ll become a different person in the future and we can sort things out.
He told me the reason it hasn’t worked is because I’m too immature and he has been through things in life giving him more life experience. I am 25 and he is 29? I don’t feel this to be true.
I am living back at my mum and dads until I have enough money to buy a place of my own but things aren’t great here.

I’d love some positive stories to help me keep on track with focusing on myself.

Thanks in advance for even reading this Grin

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 11/11/2019 12:48

You aren't married.
You don't own a home together.
You don't have children.

Block and delete this man then send yourself a message, apologising for bringing such a wanker into your life, and list the ways you're going to make it up to you.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 11/11/2019 17:25

OP you did the right thing.You would advise anyone you knew and cared about to leave too...you are entering a period of adjustment ,,its a shock to move out even when its you deciding to do it.It is hard to find your feet and start again but look at you..you have done the hardest bit.The worst is over it can only get better from here on in.So take care of yourself first..make sure you eat the right things and sleep well..You take baby steps and you learn to trust yourself again.Do a new thing every day even if you feel like crap...stop for a coffee on the way home...go for a massage,,,have your hair done...take a pedicure...join a gym...anything at all and once you have something to focus on you will forget him...what you will be doing in future will become more important than the past.Then you are living again....and he becomes a distant memory.Stop talking to him now from today.Make tomorrow day 1 of your new journey...leave him with today and look forward to tomorrow..you can do this.

Unknown199318 · 11/11/2019 17:38

This is fab advice, thank you! When ever I’m feeling low I will read this message I’m sure it will help meSmile but you’re right, the adjustment is so hard. Luckily enough I have a good job and a few good friends around me

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 11/11/2019 17:47

I have a feeling lovely lady you will be just fine! Give yourself time ...you have no idea whats around the corner for you and maybe you will have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince..we all have! Mine took so long to arrive I thought he must have got lost on another planet!! Onwards and upwards! You can do this!

Meruem · 11/11/2019 18:50

Depression and anxiety are not an excuse to treat someone like shit. Learn that now and it will serve you well in the future (I say that as someone who didn’t learn soon enough!). He won’t become a different person because this is who he is. Yes of course relationships take work but it shouldn’t be that much work! A relationship should make you feel good about yourself, not be left feeling crap. I agree with others, block him and don’t settle for anyone who puts you down.

Unknown199318 · 11/11/2019 20:07

I keep reminding myself of these things. I have been to the gym this evening and I feel so much betterSmile I can do this!

OP posts:
Meruem · 11/11/2019 22:34

You can OP. You sound very level headed and I’m sure you will be fine. Flowers

Puffins32 · 11/11/2019 22:43

You know that you walked away because you have self respect, self worth and he wasn’t valuing you, just putting you down and manipulating you into thinking his problems are because of you. He will be like this with who ever he is with.
You have gained a valuable life lesson in all this pain but your moving forward because you are strong and deserving of so much better.
Don’t contact him again, time will give you clarity.

Unknown199318 · 12/11/2019 18:39

Thank you for your encouraging words ☺️

OP posts:
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